But even doing the dumping can go wrong if you don't fully comprehend the risks and requirements of the task before you. So, please, allow me to run you through this helpful little guide to break-up reasons, break-up etiquette, and burning bridges. This way, when you do inevitably fuck things up anyway, I'll be there to throw it all in your face. In the kindest, most supportive way.
Eternal Love? Wanna bet?
Nothing made of man lasts forever, and that can include how you feel about the love of your life. If you're lucky the pair of you survived the lusty attraction phase to bond on a more organic level and resigned yourselves to the fact that no one else is going to put up with your 'real selves'. Congrats, you're soul mates, now get off my fucking site with your successful marriage bullshit! You're making my balls itch.
However, for each happily settled, long-term relationship there are at least as many failures. The reasons for these are as unique as the relationship itself in every case, but the baseline result is that you no longer feel the same way you used to about your partner.
WHAT IS LOVE?
There's nothing particularly rational about an emotionally co-dependent, sex-based relationship. No one (who isn't a sociopath) decides to just spontaneously feel 'that spark' when they connect romantically with another person. There's a whole lot of subconscious, biological shit going on to do with dopamine receptors, pyscho-visual cross-referencing and invisibly stinky pheromones when you start crushing on that special someone. All that stuff culminates, hopefully, in you falling in love then boning each other senseless for several months. But those chemical highs are a short-term buzz, there to encourage you to spend an obscene amount of time together so that when it wears off you're already addicted to each other (via a gradual accumulation of the pair-bonding drug, oxytocin) . And it's just as well that euphoria slackens off, otherwise, as a species, we would be too busy making babies to look after babies.
But like I said, long-term love isn't always the outcome, and one day you may just wake up feeling decidedly rational about something as irrational as a romantic relationship, and start thinking that your partner isn't someone you want in your life forever. If that's the case then your creepy, neighbourhod Sex Detective has a few
4 Golden Sex Detective Rules for a Successful Break-up!
Surprisingly, very few people feel all that good about breaking someone else's heart. Not regarding the decision itself - they're fine with that bit - but the process involved. I get bizarre questions from otherwise smart adults like, "I want to end things with her but how do I do that without looking like an asshole?"
Another even more baffling question I've heard is, "How do I break up without hurting her feelings?"
Rule 3: Thou shall be a cruel Cunt!
One fantastically sinister thing about us humans is that most of our emotion-based decisions occur subconsciously a few moments before we run them up our conscious flag-pole. All our conscious mind does in these scenarios is seek mental justifications for that decision after the fact. Intellectually and technically we're the masters of the biological hierarchy, but emotionally we're still retarded mammals. A higher IQ just let's us come up with fancier excuses for our moody actions.
Firstly, you have to be prepared to feel extremely uncomfortable. Your soon-to-be-ex is going to run either hot (screaming tears and shitfits) or cold (numb surrender, possibly masked by babbling fake agreeance). You know it's not real agreeance because if it was they would have dumped your ass first, dickhead.
NB: By the way, if you're not a big fan of the "C-word" then... hang on, no, I shouldn't spoil this surprise. That would be like issuing awarning about an imminent focus on subject matter that may trigger a strong emotional response. Why would I ever give a foreboding fuck about your emotional responses? Just keep reading and pretend you're not a complete soft-cock instead.
Rule 1: Thou shalt be a Cunt!
Surprisingly, very few people feel all that good about breaking someone else's heart. Not regarding the decision itself - they're fine with that bit - but the process involved. I get bizarre questions from otherwise smart adults like, "I want to end things with her but how do I do that without looking like an asshole?"
The first thing you must accept if you choose to dump someone is that you will look like an asshole when you deliver the news. No exceptions. Ever. It doesn't matter how well reasoned you think your justification is, the other party will feel that you just wronged them. If you consciously try to look less like an asshole by using platitudes or 'it's me' bollocks you will just end up coming across as a particularly pathetic asshole. Which is even worse. You must accept the fact that as far as the dumpee, their friends and their family are concerned, you now suck balls.
And don't for a second think you've escaped this bitterness "because they seemed cool with it when I ran it past them" bullshit. The only reason they played it cool was to try to save face, idiot, not to spontaneously agree that they weren't good enough for you.
This line is not recommended for beginners. Or slow runners.
Embrace being the cunt, though, instead of fighting it. It will actualy be your best tool later on.
Rule 2: Thou shalt be cruel!
Another even more baffling question I've heard is, "How do I break up without hurting her feelings?"
The same way you break an egg without cracking the shell. No, it's not a trick question, just a stupid one.
Most Earth-humans with even a shred of self-esteem feel hurt when they get rejected. When you dump someone you take that one step further by rejecting someone you had already previously accepted. So it's kinda like rejection times rejection to the power of dump. Compare punching someone in the face with punching them in the balls. One is worse than the other, right? Well, dumping someone who's actually in love with you is more like grabbing the back of their head and using their own face to hammer their balls.
The Break-up equation:
(rejection x rejection)dump = how your ex feels, you fucking monster.
Listen, if you are too afraid of hurting your partner's feelings then you probably don't have much reason for being in a serious, grown-up relationship in the first place. Feelings get bruised all the time between people who share a close, intimate relationship - sometimes unintentionally, often subconsciously. And even if you were somehow able to miraculously dump someone without hurting their feels then either they're a sex robot or you haven't really broken up with them at all.
On the other- hand, if you're a sex robot then just go back
to your primary programming, you lucky robot!
Rule 3: Thou shall be a cruel Cunt!
One fantastically sinister thing about us humans is that most of our emotion-based decisions occur subconsciously a few moments before we run them up our conscious flag-pole. All our conscious mind does in these scenarios is seek mental justifications for that decision after the fact. Intellectually and technically we're the masters of the biological hierarchy, but emotionally we're still retarded mammals. A higher IQ just let's us come up with fancier excuses for our moody actions.
The point I'm reaching for is that your decision to end a relationship has probably been brewing for a while, and that only a lazy habit cycle and the other person's expectations have barred you from giving it serious and full consideration before.
But now your mind is made up. No negotiation, no counselling, just you serving a subpoena to Dump Court.
Well, if that's how you feel then that's okay. And as I've said, there's no nice way this shit is going to go down. So if you can't do it nicely, make fucking sure you do it effectively. Now is not the time for doubt or ambiguity. If it was you'd be looking for a means of resolution, not dissolution.
But now your mind is made up. No negotiation, no counselling, just you serving a subpoena to Dump Court.
Well, if that's how you feel then that's okay. And as I've said, there's no nice way this shit is going to go down. So if you can't do it nicely, make fucking sure you do it effectively. Now is not the time for doubt or ambiguity. If it was you'd be looking for a means of resolution, not dissolution.
If you're not sure on how cruel you should be, just ask:
"What Would Simon Do?"
Firstly, you have to be prepared to feel extremely uncomfortable. Your soon-to-be-ex is going to run either hot (screaming tears and shitfits) or cold (numb surrender, possibly masked by babbling fake agreeance). You know it's not real agreeance because if it was they would have dumped your ass first, dickhead.
Rule 4: Thou shalt be a cruel, crystal clear and concise Cunt!
If you just hung up the phone or arrived back home thinking "Shit, that went well," then you've clearly just failed at breaking up. People who are in love with you have their own 'irrational justification machine' in their head. It's called false hope, and unless you stated your case very clearly to them they will just think you're not being serious. Also, if you use pussy terms like "I need my own space" instead of real imperatives like "I want you the fuck out of my life, you horrible, soul-draining harpy!", they will just think that all this is a hiatus until you 'find yourself' or similar hippie bullshit.
45 reasons? More like '1 reason' I had to repeat, you know, 44 times.
That being said, breaking up is the one time you must rely on emotional arguments instead of logical ones. The moment you start listing technical faults with the relationship...
for example,
- "I don't like the way you talk about my cat."
- "Your eating habits turn my stomach."
or
- "Your constant sucking of my brother's cock really grates on me."
...you open up apologetic debate, with your target now promising to clean up their act and stop wearing their 'I Suck His Brother's Cock' T-shirts. Those sorts of discussions can go on for hours while the dumpee deconstructs the relational history to scavenge verbal ammo and launch counter-attacks. In other words, they will try to coerce this confrontation into 'just another fight' that all couples have.
for example,
- "I don't like the way you talk about my cat."
- "Your eating habits turn my stomach."
or
- "Your constant sucking of my brother's cock really grates on me."
...you open up apologetic debate, with your target now promising to clean up their act and stop wearing their 'I Suck His Brother's Cock' T-shirts. Those sorts of discussions can go on for hours while the dumpee deconstructs the relational history to scavenge verbal ammo and launch counter-attacks. In other words, they will try to coerce this confrontation into 'just another fight' that all couples have.
But the truth is that the moment you knocked on their door or dialled their number you were no longer supposed to be a couple.
Do you know the one thing that your redundant partner can't argue with? How you feel. There's a strange, intrinsic vs extrinsic emotional dichotomy in us that goes something like this:
"only I can make myself happy, no one else;"
however,
"other people can quite readily make me feel unhappy."
As an example, see that look on your ex's face just as you dumped her? That's you making her feel unhappy. And that sense of overwhelming relief coursing through your brain now that you've ended things? That's you making yourself happy, even if you had to be cruel to get there.
That's right, babe, I dumped you because of you being so complicated, in depth and having more
flesh-wounding battle scars than me. It had absolutely nothing to do with that consistent, fucking
emo, whining bullshit you think is 'vampire poetry' but to everyone else is just verbal PMS. Seriously.
So, just keep it simple and full of statements. "I am breaking up with you," is always a good start, as is "This relationship between you and me? Over." In response to the next inevitable question ("Why, dear god, why?") reply with "Because I no longer love/care about/trust/even remotely tolerate you," or maybe, "Because the mere sight of you makes me vomit," which is also effective, but be prepared to back it up with actual puking. Nobody can argue with optical-reactive vomiting.
Then there's the nuclear armageddon reason, the one that maximises both harm and effectiveness: "I've fallen in love with somebody else." Hell, I've deployed that statement before even though it was palpably untrue, simply because I know it works. I've even have the bruises to prove it.
Don't be afraid to repeat and reinforce your intent either. Some dumpees will strive to wear you down into a state where retracting your decision seems easier than executing it. Don't bitch out. It won't change how you feel, and unless of course you think guilty pity is a solid foundation for a loving relationship, things are still doomed.
Visual aids also help to get the message across. Expedite the process by slapping this sticker on his/her car window or front door.
And for those denialist exes who insist on maintaining your relationship facade for the sake of family, Australian Idol auditions or simple public appearance, feel free to copy and paste the image below as your new social media cover pic, or even have it printed on a t-shirt.
One size fits all, gentlemen.
PS: ALWAYS TREAT SOC-MED AS AN MMORPG.
And that's another thing: why the fuck are people still unironically putting shit like a real-life relationship status on public forums and platforms? marketing algorithms don't take that shit into consideration, they take it as a challenge. Right now there are thousands of 'Married' account holders trying desperately to explain to a poise looking over their shoulder why half their feed is Madison Ashley ads, while 'Single' are slowly yet certainly losing a war of attrition to Fleshlight and dildo companies. And aside from those commercialist carrion eaters, there is nothing sadder this side of vampire poetry than a busted-up couple where the dumper has 'is single' and the dumpee still has 'is in a relationship' in their respective bios.
Anyway, good luck with your next, inevitable break-up, and if you have any concerns or medical bills relating yo the advice I just spent the last 45 minutes inventing, feel free to lodge your complaint on a Post It notes and tape it to the top of your mother's head. That way I'm sure to see it next time I rest my beer there.
