Sea Patrol: Season 4, Episode 1

Booyah, bitches, Sea Patrol is back.  The crew of the HMAS Hammersley has undergone a few cast changes since last season, but the formula remains faithful.  And why not start this year with plenty of action and intrigue as our fearless navy takes on terrorists.  With so much awesomeness packed into one show, I'm simply going to focus on one or two slight oversights.


Synopsis:  Basically the Sea Patrollers race against time to foil terrorists intent on assassinating the US ambassador while he's holidaying on some secret island resort.  The episode is entitled 'Night of the Long Knives', even though it has no resemblance or reference to the purge of political and military rivals by Hitler in 1934 Germany.  Oh, there is a knife in it, towards the end, but it's not particularly long.

Hang on, he's got a knife, right? AND it's night-time...you know what we

should call this episode?

I can understand writers taking a literal historic reference and applying it to a fuguratively themed title, but who the hell does it the other way round?


Through a series of mystifyingly convenient events, the SP crew learn that the ambassador's secretary has been kidnapped at sea by a group of Al-Queda terrorists and tortured into disclosing the location of the secret diplomatic resort.  They save the inexplicably still alive girl - mainly because Commander Flynn promised her over the radio that he would do so 42 scenes earlier - then head for the island to kick some terrorist ass.  As they close in a speedboat charges the Hammersley.  The crew soon realise that it contains heavily armed terrorists, one of whom is toting... "an RPG!" 

Watch out, its' an extremely caucasian Al-Queda with a tube thingy!

'RPG' stands for Rocket Propelled Grenade (and launcher), a cheap, mass produced piece of shit found in the hands of third-world militias across the globe.  The non-RPG bit, the launcher, is a shoulder-mounted exhaust tube with a simple periscopic sight and ignition trigger that activates an unguided, 5 kilo explosive warhead that's plenty crude but also plenty messy.  Do you know what's missing from this terrorist's launcher?  The unguided, 5 kilo explosive warhead.  You know, the bit that goes Boom!

Circled: the bit that goes Boom!

Before being blown to ash by the Hammersley's 25mm auto-cannon, the terrorist does manage to somehow fire his unloaded RPG at the ship, but the hastily post-edited CGI warhead misses.


One last thing.  When the final fight occurs it involves the heroic Commander Flynn and a knife-wielding* assassin disguised as a waiter.  The duel goes on for a while, long enough to ask where the hell the ambassador's bodyguards are at.  Probably snorting coke off a hooker's ass.  Or, if they've ever encountered C.O. Flynn and his motler crew before, standing around cheering and taking side bets. 

*Surely if you can smuggle in a steel knife you could maybe revamp your tactics by a thousand years and bring in a gun instead. 

5 Rules for Team Leadership

I like to boil things down.  Especially new things like, say, me being promoted to a team leadership role where I have plenty of responsibility but precious little power.  I equate this sort of 'Senior' role with a sergeant in the army.  It's not my job to give orders, only to interpret them and ensure that they are followed through.  It's about tactics, not strategy, making sure me and my team mates can perform with existing resources and a sense of adaptability in order to meet the desires and demands of the officers (our middle management).  With that in mind, I have chosen to distill all that I have read and experienced into 5 simple rules that I know to work.


1. You Are The Rock Around Which Chaos Flows.

See, this is why we have wokplace norms.

The Problem: Shit happens all the time at work.  There are variables that range from staff illness to unpredictable clients to impulsive bosses that heap all their bright new ideas on my desk and expect them to happen yesterday.  An environment of tension and tears ensues.  What's worse is that I'm cursed with being both empathetic and combative.  When things are spinning out of control my instincts scream for me to jump in and start swinging, treating challenges like foes that need to be punched in the balls.

The Solution: Stress and duress are, in the workplace, factors that can be controlled more than you think.  How you are seen to deal with high pressure and tight deadlines will have an impact on your team.  In all matters appear calm and considerate without compromising assertiveness.  Panic is contagious: it's a throwback to when we lived in packs and tribes, fighting and hunting side by side.  A group can only be as confident as its leader.  When emergencies or compounded stressors arise always remember that you get to choose how you face them.  Will you allow yourself to be swept up in a tidal wave of chaos or will you decide to stand fast and let it flow past?  And let's face it, unless you work at a nuclear missile silo, it's probably not the end of the world.


2. Always Respond, Never React.


The Problem: There's a whole lot of crap at work that can push my buttons - some of it incidental, some of it deliberate.  What others tell me and how they tell me can make me upset or angry, especially when someone's playing the blame game or making unreasonable demands of me.  If you're one of those pathetic types like me who often feel compelled to placate others and accommodate any and all requests, you're gonna drown in your own blood sooner or later.


The Solution: There's a lesson to be learned in martial arts that can readily apply to the work place: control is about responding, not reacting.  Think about replies instead of using whatever emotional reflex you're experiencing at the moment.  And never be afraid of buying time.  People like me are not fast thinkers, instead we prefer to think things through and do a little research or fact-checking before giving an answer or reason.  "I don't know, but I'll find out," is a common reply to use, as is "You may be right, but let me do some checking just to make sure".  Folks hate that last one because it's tantamount to saying "I agree with you that you think you're right."


3. Make Them Sweat Now So They Don't Bleed Later.


The Problem: Teams will only do as much as they have to.  We all do this because we're all subject to fluctuating motivation depending on our health, mental state, and a thousand external factors that make up our lives.  We work only as hard as we can when we have to.


We all have busy days and slow days at work.  The trick is to make those slow days as busy as possible.  Why?  Because you can't ever tell when a shit storm is going to hit.  Too many slow days in a row make people complacent and lethargic.  They're creatures of habit.  They lose their edge and get soft, then wonder why they stress out when a clump of hard shit hits them in the face. 


The Solution: If you're leading a team it's pretty much up to you to keep your team mates busy as much as possible, but make sure you share out tasks that are worthwhile and of tangible benefit to your work.


No more appointments for the day? 
Here's a list of businesses to canvas.  You take West side, I'll take East.

I've finished all my admin. 
Cool, the boss wants 6 files audited, we'll go halves, eh?

Mind if I take an extended lunch? 
No probs, but only if you bring me back the name and contact details of the restaurant manager for me to enter into the database.  Also, grab me a danish.


4. Lead By Example.

Yeah, cos that worked out so well last time.

The Problem: I'm stomping around telling my peers to do this and do that and get their asses into gear and meet quotas.  I'm even asking them to do stuff that I don't fully know how to do myself, because, dammit, that's how delegation works, right?


Yeah, sure thing, Mr Senior Douchebag.


The Solution: The reason you've been promoted is because you can work either harder or smarter than your peers.  Or dirtier.  When I last performed in a senior role it was at an emergency youth shelter.  One day I walked in to learn that a toilet was blocked and, given the toilet paper/watermelon rind/lumps of feces nature of the blockage, none of the staff on shift were in a hurry to unblock it.  They were waiting for me to waste $200 and 24 hours on authorising a plumber to solve the problem.  Instead I told them to watch and learn as I donned rubber gloves and removed the waste myself.  Ah, happy times. 


The point is, you need to know exactly what's expected of your team and exactly how their job works so you can show by example how to fix a problem or use a handy short-cut.  This is not the same as doing it for them - they have to watch you perform every step of the process in question and they sure as hell better be taking notes because next time they ask for your help in a similar circumstance your first and only reply will be "do it how I showed you last time."


5. Volunteer For Nothing

Not pictured: a quantifiable reward for your professional efforts.

The Problem: So, I'm new at my role and nervous and want to make a great impression on everyone, most of all the bosses.  In lieu of experential competence I over-compensate with confidence instead and start contributing all kinds of exciting innovations, ideas and sub-projects.  Before I know it I've volunteered to be on 7 committees, arranged 12 network groups that meet weekly, and promised to re-vamp the entire filing system by Thursday using some half-assed freeware I saw on the internet.  Also, it's now Wednesday.


The Solution:  Shut your fucking mouth and put your hand down, green-meat.  Seriously, you already have a job spec, why add to it unnecessarily?  At least become extremely good and comfortable in your new role before taking on extra work.  Leave all that political, strategic and logistic crap for middle management.  They will come up with more than enough additional duties for you every week without you jumping up and down screaming "Pick me!  Pick me!"


However, avoiding additional duties does not mean being an outright douche to your employers (they get just as hurt as anyone else when you reject them with the word 'no').  It just means showing them that anything considered above the call of duty will require negotiation and committment on their part.  And they hate that shit.


Boss: I need a senior who can compile a 10,000 word report for me for an upcoming tender by the end of the week.


Senior Asstaster: Sure thing, boss, I can get on it straight away!


Senior Bonerking: I have all the data, resources and templates necessary to meet that request.  As soon as you authorise the 8 hours of overtime required for me to complete the task I can guarantee I'll make the deadline.


Boss: Hmmm, I think Asstaster would be the cheapest best option for this assignment.


NB: Also be wary of team mates who are prone to conspicuous altrusim - those self-appointed martyrs who readily take on extra work then bravely and persistently mention how much additional, unpaid time they're devoting to the company.  We see right through your bullshit, try-hard, and so do the bosses.  You might as well wear a great big "Please Exploit Me!" sign on your ass.  The thing is, you run the risk of setting up artificially high benchmarks for yourself as well as being alienated and resented by your peers.

Chasing The Australian Dream (Machine)

I found an article on Cracked.com that included reference to the below....video game thingy.  Though I was patriotically proud that this had made the top of the article's list, I was compelled to expand on this piece of shit, if for no other reason than to prove that it was not a joke.

In the US they're using motion capture technology to develop completely console-less gaming experiences.  Back here one company has decided to go completely the other way.

I do not, cannot know where to begin with this gaming console concept product.  Please visit the site of this monstrosity and soak up the god-awful weasel words and terms on offer.  Terms like 'multi-modal' (adjustable), 'physiointeractive' (you move around in it) and even 'computer game players' (we're called 'gamers', cocktard).  Don't get me wrong, this thing could revolutionise immersive gaming as we know it, but only if the market suddenly creates a popular need for indoor swingset simulators.

Okay, let's begin.

What is wrong with this picture?  The awkwardly photoshopped poses of the dancing onlookers?  The little kid in the foreground pointing at the crudely bitmapped wall-speaker?  The way the supporting tent poles of this contraption are straining under the weight of the operator?  

All great answers, I'm sure, but for me it has to be the ambiguous bulges in creepy Uncle Mario's sweat pants as he prepares to lunge in for one of his famous 'rear hugs'. 

And here we see how the Deam Machine is Turning Computer Gaming Into Sport.  Yep, it's a fitness machine for gamers, kinda like Wii Fit, only somewhat less convenient.  When not taking up your entire lounge room, the DM folds up into a pile of bits that (according to the site) can be stored in half a linen cabinet, along with every other ab-machine and sex swing you ever ordered online. And is it just me, or is Uncle Mario in the centre there having way too much fun for someone who isn't even using it to play a video game?  It looks like he's just swinging around uncontrollably while making "Brmm! Brmm!" noises.

And what is with the distorted views of the gameplay examples on the left half of this pic?  The guy top left looks like he just rolled up to a cartoon car accident on my old receptionist's Gopher Scooter.  Sleeveless-camo boy (mid left) is somehow tilting the entire tripod assembly in synch with that motorcycle he's chasing.  While at the bottom left corner some dude has managed to chain his Dream Machine to the ceiling so he can gaze down on the giant plasma screen he left lying face-up on the floor.

The DM comes with interchangeable, multiple application attachments, like this 'bike' version. (or, as I like to call this shot, 'The Loneliest Man in the World').  Here's the spiel for this piece of innovation:

This is an absolutely realistic cycling simulation system, for use with games like “Tour dè France” and “Velodrome,” which we hope to find being made, or want to J.V. - commission. Get in touch if you wish to help.

That's right, they've developed attachments for games that don't actually exist, but 'hope to find being made'.

And extreme sportsters also win with the DM because here's the 'board games' option, which despite being only a wafer thin disc, somehow supports the weight of a fully grown man without bending.  This is easily explained, of course, when you realise that 'boarder man' here is actually only two-thirds the size of his biking clone above.

But DM aren't content with just offering you, the home gamer, the chance to hilariously injure yourself and nearby loved-ones with the machine.  Please prepare to ejaculate as I present the Dream Machine Arcade:

Welcome to The Future of Arcades, a coin-op wonderland where you can pay for the privilege of bringing in your own game disc and memory card to compete against our pastel clones.  Guaranteed to be way more fun than competing for free online.  Both portrait and landscape screens are available, just ask my mother's floating torso at the front of the store.

Okay, I know this is a nightmarish attempt by some family (whose 'older brother, Chris,' apparently developed a hang gliding simulator a while back) to somehow break into the console accessory/home gym niche that we've all been clamouring for.  But seriously, what the hell?  Even if this simcon was actually 'compatable' with most systems like they claim, the physics behind the tripod design is dangerously unstable.  The site makes all manner of unlikely promises, but to fully appreciate the imminent power of this product just check out the quotes and sources listed on their 'E3 Comments' page.  It reads like a literary montage of irony. 

But then I hear you cry:  "Fuck you, Ash, this thing has me throbbing with unnatural desire.  Where do I get one of these Dream Machines, dammit?"   Hah, well fuck you too, retarded compulsive shopper, because the 'Order' page only has this to say:

The Dream Machine Simcon will be available soon. Commercial and Institutional Enquiries Welcomed.

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