Men Beware: Women are superhuman

Okay, so maybe I'm not claiming that women-folk are a bunch of mutant-powered vigilantes who can probe your brain or control your mind.  Or maybe I am, but not in a manner designed to generate undue paranoi- aw hell, let's face it, us guys are royally fucked when it comes to toe-to-toe encounters with the unfairly fairer sex.  I've been asked questions all my adult life by guys who just don't get this, so here's my way of trying to level the playing field between genders.  Below are some Futilely Asked Questions along with my answers and suggested counter-measures.


1. Why doesn't my partner trust me?


Easy: women are telepathic.

There's only two things on your mind.

 

While they may not be able to read your mind per se, many women can sure as shit read everything else about you - appearance, mannersims, body language and paralinguistic cues.  Moreover, they can do so in the context of comparative behavioural profiling.  Similar to a lie detector, once they have a base template of genuine behaviour (ie: how you act when you're being completely honest) they can use that as a reference to future behaviour and compare the difference.  Eye movements, tone and timbre of voice, fidgeting, all that shit gets cross-referenced to see if it matches your 'honest' profile of behaviour.  Compounding this is the fact that women tend to have significantly more interconnections bewteen the left and right hemispheres of the brain, which means they not only effectively process this stuff, but do so on multiple levels at once.

Counter-measure: This is a tough one, and there's really only two options - either be honest ALL the time so your behavioural profile never changes (albeit as an insensitive prick), or lie ALL the time for the same reason.


2. How come my woman always catches me when I check out other women?


Because you are as subtle as you are stupid.

Even the leader of the free world.

Back in ye olde prehistoric times there was a basic demarcation of gender roles.  Men would hunt and fight, women would gather and rear kids (and conspire with other women).  This gives them a natural edge when it comes to peripheral vision and subtle observation.  But it's not just their superior peripheral vision that catches you out, its your own perving skills that make it so easy for them.
Back on the ancient savannah or tundra we men developed very keen, yet tunnelled, vision over range, especially when we moved on from being scavengers to hunters.  Being able to spot and then visually track priority targets (prey, predators and potential mates) was an essential survival ability.  And because we hunted in packs, there was little need to improve our peripheral range so long as our buddies were watching our backs.  Think of your field of view as being like a sniper scope, while women have more of a wide angle lens.
Now, when you're at the pub and some chick with a balltastic rack wanders by, your scope locks onto that pair of party balloons and starts tracking.  Only, because of your subconscious need to keep that target in focal view, you don't just look with your eyes - you move your whole fucking head like a goddamned turret.

Counter-measure: sunglasses only help so much, but a motorcycle helmet combined with a neck brace is better.  I'd suggest ignoring 3rd party boobies all together, but that's like saying 'ignore food and water'.

3. Hey, Kidd, my woman says I've changed since we first started dating, and not for the better.  What gives?

Simple, douchebag, you've just started being more honest.

And after I finished being a test pilot for Space Force I joined the Peace Corps: Ninja Division.

When a guy starts dating a girl he puts on his A game, seeking to make the best impression possible.  All male mammals do it in some way as part of the whole mating ritual thing.  Unfortunately, your 'best' is not sustainable in the long term.  Even more unfortunately, the woman thinks that your 'first impression' efforts are actually your normal self.  As far as she's concerned, you are naturally clean-shaven, well groomed and as morally perfect as you made out to be the first time you both met.  As I always quote from PJ O'Rourke: "I clean my house about once a girlfriend, after that they can get to know the real me".

Counter-measure: Instead of going for the hard sell at the beginning of a relationship, try a bit of marginal underplay.  If she's still willing to give you a go, she'll actually be pleasantly surprised that you're not quite as bad as you made yourself out to be at the start.


4. What the fuck is it with her monthly mood swings, tears and paranoia?

She is either an emo-werewolf or about to start bleeding.  Possibly both.

Men have no conception of the hormonal rollercoaster that is the fertile female body.  PMS, in many cases, is the biological equivalent of a dude scoring some badly cut meth - instead of a buzz, you get stomach cramps, sweats, mild delusions and become highly irritable.  Now, combine that with their relative hyper-senses (women tend to both hear and smell better than men) and a naturally lower threshold for pain*, and you've got a wounded bear out for blood and ready to maul anyone who gets in her way.

Counter-measure: if you want your relationship to work, and to minimise any conflict therein, you will chart and track her menstrual cycle.  She won't - it still dumbfounds me how so many girls forget when their next period is due, then act all surprised when PMS hits again.  It's up to you to draw up a secret calendar highlighting the expected danger dates.  Then, when the time draws near follow this simple rule: Stay. The. Fuck. Away.
In my case I tend to be extremely honest with the love of my life when she's at this phase of her cycle.  I tell her outright that I'll be ignoring her outbursts and accusations for the next few days and won't take any of it personally due to her temporary insanity.  Then again, I say this over the phone from my place which is 30km away.

* And don't give me any of that 'but women can bear the pain of chilbirth, you mysoginistic cunt!'  That shit won't play because it's the 9 month exception to the pain threshold rule, during which time their bodies produce superhuman levels of endorphins and other pain control chemicals in deliberate preparation for labour.

Sea Patrol Season 4: 3 in 1 Wrap Up

I've been catching up on SP and its endless evocation of tears and laughter.  This article covers episodes 2-4 because, well, there really isn't that much to them.  Each ep contains a synopsis and a highlight that best encapsulates the spirit of this full motion naval recuitment campaign.

Episode 2 title: Crocodile Tears
Why?  Because of all the sad crocodiles.  And by 'sad' I mean dead.  And flayed.

So gross.

Synopsis:  the crew of the HMAS Hammersley, temporarily skippered by a tubby Steve Bastoni (CO Flynn is sailing a desk since taking a promotion), discover the presence of croc poachers.  During leave at some fictional sovereign island where poachers hang out, 2 Dads and the new commander have a big bar fight and attempt to steal and release a captive crocodile, leading to potentially international incident.  CO Cocktard coerces 2 Dads to take the fall, but is exposed at the end when the head poacher is arrested.  Also, CO Flynn and XO McGregor (Ian Stenlake and Lisa McCune) finally get down and dirty.

Even grosser.

Highlight: Commander Expendable and 2Dads flee the busted up bar after rescuing a resident crocodile that entertains patrons by performing tricks (it eats things - seriously, that's the trick).  They then free it by the side of a main road where it scuttles into oncoming traffic.  Splat!

I'm an expert on crocs, 2Dads, just set it down here on Main street and it'll hitch a ride back to the swamp, okay?

Episode 3 title: The Right Stuff
Why?  I don't fucking know.  The phrase is generally reserved for US fighter pilots who are accepted into the NASA astronaut program.  They could have called it "A Few Good Men" or "Star Wars" and made just as much referential sense.


Plot Synopsis:  A bunch of international theives steal a few container loads of uranium because apparently it's as easy as nicking old tyres from the city dump.  The Hammersley crew track down the missing shipment with the help of a dodgy old Israeli security consultant who ends up being in on the whole scam.  There's a somewhat one-sided firefight at the end before everyone sails home for tea and medals.

Dodgy old Israeli turns out to be dodgy. Who knew?

It never ceases to amaze me how shit-easy it is to take over an Australian war vessel.  Provided you have a pair of opposable thumbs and a spontaneous cover story, you can waltz aboard and start disarming the crew by claiming to be a bullet inspector.


Highlight: Some kid who's important to the Commander in some way (godson or ex-lover or whatever, I wasn't really listening) is taken hostage by the uranium theives ad nearly gets his dick shot off during the ensuing rescue.  As a result of this trauma he decides to join the Navy in order to get laid.

"You life will be just like a patrol boat: full of seamen."

Episode 4 title: Ransom

Why?  Shit, this one's right on the money.  The ep actually has kidnappers and a plan involving the exchange of valuables for an abductee.

Plot Synopsis:  the crew help rescue a kidnapped little brat of a girl.  It's kinda confusing because somehow the kid's step-dad masterminded the whole deal, but so did the biological father.  Or something.  Anyway, the crew hatch a plan that seems inconceivable to anyone who isn't autistic and proceed to fuck it up until the bad guys die of frustrated confusion.  And since when does the Navy handle civilian kidnappings anyway?  And where did the boss kidnapper get a WWII Sten gun?

Warning: one-handed firing of antique machinegun may result in tooth loss.

Highlight: in this ep my highlight concerns editing rather than plot.  As XO McGregor (Lisa McCune) and the kidnap victim (some child actor who'll be lucky to get a commercial gig after this crap) flee from their gormless captors we get a shot of this:

Pictured: microphone pack.  Not pictured: assistant editor being sacked.

Sea Patrol: Season 4, Episode 1

Booyah, bitches, Sea Patrol is back.  The crew of the HMAS Hammersley has undergone a few cast changes since last season, but the formula remains faithful.  And why not start this year with plenty of action and intrigue as our fearless navy takes on terrorists.  With so much awesomeness packed into one show, I'm simply going to focus on one or two slight oversights.


Synopsis:  Basically the Sea Patrollers race against time to foil terrorists intent on assassinating the US ambassador while he's holidaying on some secret island resort.  The episode is entitled 'Night of the Long Knives', even though it has no resemblance or reference to the purge of political and military rivals by Hitler in 1934 Germany.  Oh, there is a knife in it, towards the end, but it's not particularly long.

Hang on, he's got a knife, right? AND it's night-time...you know what we

should call this episode?

I can understand writers taking a literal historic reference and applying it to a fuguratively themed title, but who the hell does it the other way round?


Through a series of mystifyingly convenient events, the SP crew learn that the ambassador's secretary has been kidnapped at sea by a group of Al-Queda terrorists and tortured into disclosing the location of the secret diplomatic resort.  They save the inexplicably still alive girl - mainly because Commander Flynn promised her over the radio that he would do so 42 scenes earlier - then head for the island to kick some terrorist ass.  As they close in a speedboat charges the Hammersley.  The crew soon realise that it contains heavily armed terrorists, one of whom is toting... "an RPG!" 

Watch out, its' an extremely caucasian Al-Queda with a tube thingy!

'RPG' stands for Rocket Propelled Grenade (and launcher), a cheap, mass produced piece of shit found in the hands of third-world militias across the globe.  The non-RPG bit, the launcher, is a shoulder-mounted exhaust tube with a simple periscopic sight and ignition trigger that activates an unguided, 5 kilo explosive warhead that's plenty crude but also plenty messy.  Do you know what's missing from this terrorist's launcher?  The unguided, 5 kilo explosive warhead.  You know, the bit that goes Boom!

Circled: the bit that goes Boom!

Before being blown to ash by the Hammersley's 25mm auto-cannon, the terrorist does manage to somehow fire his unloaded RPG at the ship, but the hastily post-edited CGI warhead misses.


One last thing.  When the final fight occurs it involves the heroic Commander Flynn and a knife-wielding* assassin disguised as a waiter.  The duel goes on for a while, long enough to ask where the hell the ambassador's bodyguards are at.  Probably snorting coke off a hooker's ass.  Or, if they've ever encountered C.O. Flynn and his motler crew before, standing around cheering and taking side bets. 

*Surely if you can smuggle in a steel knife you could maybe revamp your tactics by a thousand years and bring in a gun instead. 

5 Rules for Team Leadership

I like to boil things down.  Especially new things like, say, me being promoted to a team leadership role where I have plenty of responsibility but precious little power.  I equate this sort of 'Senior' role with a sergeant in the army.  It's not my job to give orders, only to interpret them and ensure that they are followed through.  It's about tactics, not strategy, making sure me and my team mates can perform with existing resources and a sense of adaptability in order to meet the desires and demands of the officers (our middle management).  With that in mind, I have chosen to distill all that I have read and experienced into 5 simple rules that I know to work.


1. You Are The Rock Around Which Chaos Flows.

See, this is why we have wokplace norms.

The Problem: Shit happens all the time at work.  There are variables that range from staff illness to unpredictable clients to impulsive bosses that heap all their bright new ideas on my desk and expect them to happen yesterday.  An environment of tension and tears ensues.  What's worse is that I'm cursed with being both empathetic and combative.  When things are spinning out of control my instincts scream for me to jump in and start swinging, treating challenges like foes that need to be punched in the balls.

The Solution: Stress and duress are, in the workplace, factors that can be controlled more than you think.  How you are seen to deal with high pressure and tight deadlines will have an impact on your team.  In all matters appear calm and considerate without compromising assertiveness.  Panic is contagious: it's a throwback to when we lived in packs and tribes, fighting and hunting side by side.  A group can only be as confident as its leader.  When emergencies or compounded stressors arise always remember that you get to choose how you face them.  Will you allow yourself to be swept up in a tidal wave of chaos or will you decide to stand fast and let it flow past?  And let's face it, unless you work at a nuclear missile silo, it's probably not the end of the world.


2. Always Respond, Never React.


The Problem: There's a whole lot of crap at work that can push my buttons - some of it incidental, some of it deliberate.  What others tell me and how they tell me can make me upset or angry, especially when someone's playing the blame game or making unreasonable demands of me.  If you're one of those pathetic types like me who often feel compelled to placate others and accommodate any and all requests, you're gonna drown in your own blood sooner or later.


The Solution: There's a lesson to be learned in martial arts that can readily apply to the work place: control is about responding, not reacting.  Think about replies instead of using whatever emotional reflex you're experiencing at the moment.  And never be afraid of buying time.  People like me are not fast thinkers, instead we prefer to think things through and do a little research or fact-checking before giving an answer or reason.  "I don't know, but I'll find out," is a common reply to use, as is "You may be right, but let me do some checking just to make sure".  Folks hate that last one because it's tantamount to saying "I agree with you that you think you're right."


3. Make Them Sweat Now So They Don't Bleed Later.


The Problem: Teams will only do as much as they have to.  We all do this because we're all subject to fluctuating motivation depending on our health, mental state, and a thousand external factors that make up our lives.  We work only as hard as we can when we have to.


We all have busy days and slow days at work.  The trick is to make those slow days as busy as possible.  Why?  Because you can't ever tell when a shit storm is going to hit.  Too many slow days in a row make people complacent and lethargic.  They're creatures of habit.  They lose their edge and get soft, then wonder why they stress out when a clump of hard shit hits them in the face. 


The Solution: If you're leading a team it's pretty much up to you to keep your team mates busy as much as possible, but make sure you share out tasks that are worthwhile and of tangible benefit to your work.


No more appointments for the day? 
Here's a list of businesses to canvas.  You take West side, I'll take East.

I've finished all my admin. 
Cool, the boss wants 6 files audited, we'll go halves, eh?

Mind if I take an extended lunch? 
No probs, but only if you bring me back the name and contact details of the restaurant manager for me to enter into the database.  Also, grab me a danish.


4. Lead By Example.

Yeah, cos that worked out so well last time.

The Problem: I'm stomping around telling my peers to do this and do that and get their asses into gear and meet quotas.  I'm even asking them to do stuff that I don't fully know how to do myself, because, dammit, that's how delegation works, right?


Yeah, sure thing, Mr Senior Douchebag.


The Solution: The reason you've been promoted is because you can work either harder or smarter than your peers.  Or dirtier.  When I last performed in a senior role it was at an emergency youth shelter.  One day I walked in to learn that a toilet was blocked and, given the toilet paper/watermelon rind/lumps of feces nature of the blockage, none of the staff on shift were in a hurry to unblock it.  They were waiting for me to waste $200 and 24 hours on authorising a plumber to solve the problem.  Instead I told them to watch and learn as I donned rubber gloves and removed the waste myself.  Ah, happy times. 


The point is, you need to know exactly what's expected of your team and exactly how their job works so you can show by example how to fix a problem or use a handy short-cut.  This is not the same as doing it for them - they have to watch you perform every step of the process in question and they sure as hell better be taking notes because next time they ask for your help in a similar circumstance your first and only reply will be "do it how I showed you last time."


5. Volunteer For Nothing

Not pictured: a quantifiable reward for your professional efforts.

The Problem: So, I'm new at my role and nervous and want to make a great impression on everyone, most of all the bosses.  In lieu of experential competence I over-compensate with confidence instead and start contributing all kinds of exciting innovations, ideas and sub-projects.  Before I know it I've volunteered to be on 7 committees, arranged 12 network groups that meet weekly, and promised to re-vamp the entire filing system by Thursday using some half-assed freeware I saw on the internet.  Also, it's now Wednesday.


The Solution:  Shut your fucking mouth and put your hand down, green-meat.  Seriously, you already have a job spec, why add to it unnecessarily?  At least become extremely good and comfortable in your new role before taking on extra work.  Leave all that political, strategic and logistic crap for middle management.  They will come up with more than enough additional duties for you every week without you jumping up and down screaming "Pick me!  Pick me!"


However, avoiding additional duties does not mean being an outright douche to your employers (they get just as hurt as anyone else when you reject them with the word 'no').  It just means showing them that anything considered above the call of duty will require negotiation and committment on their part.  And they hate that shit.


Boss: I need a senior who can compile a 10,000 word report for me for an upcoming tender by the end of the week.


Senior Asstaster: Sure thing, boss, I can get on it straight away!


Senior Bonerking: I have all the data, resources and templates necessary to meet that request.  As soon as you authorise the 8 hours of overtime required for me to complete the task I can guarantee I'll make the deadline.


Boss: Hmmm, I think Asstaster would be the cheapest best option for this assignment.


NB: Also be wary of team mates who are prone to conspicuous altrusim - those self-appointed martyrs who readily take on extra work then bravely and persistently mention how much additional, unpaid time they're devoting to the company.  We see right through your bullshit, try-hard, and so do the bosses.  You might as well wear a great big "Please Exploit Me!" sign on your ass.  The thing is, you run the risk of setting up artificially high benchmarks for yourself as well as being alienated and resented by your peers.