Sea Patrol Season 4: 3 in 1 Wrap Up

I've been catching up on SP and its endless evocation of tears and laughter.  This article covers episodes 2-4 because, well, there really isn't that much to them.  Each ep contains a synopsis and a highlight that best encapsulates the spirit of this full motion naval recuitment campaign.

Episode 2 title: Crocodile Tears
Why?  Because of all the sad crocodiles.  And by 'sad' I mean dead.  And flayed.

So gross.

Synopsis:  the crew of the HMAS Hammersley, temporarily skippered by a tubby Steve Bastoni (CO Flynn is sailing a desk since taking a promotion), discover the presence of croc poachers.  During leave at some fictional sovereign island where poachers hang out, 2 Dads and the new commander have a big bar fight and attempt to steal and release a captive crocodile, leading to potentially international incident.  CO Cocktard coerces 2 Dads to take the fall, but is exposed at the end when the head poacher is arrested.  Also, CO Flynn and XO McGregor (Ian Stenlake and Lisa McCune) finally get down and dirty.

Even grosser.

Highlight: Commander Expendable and 2Dads flee the busted up bar after rescuing a resident crocodile that entertains patrons by performing tricks (it eats things - seriously, that's the trick).  They then free it by the side of a main road where it scuttles into oncoming traffic.  Splat!

I'm an expert on crocs, 2Dads, just set it down here on Main street and it'll hitch a ride back to the swamp, okay?

Episode 3 title: The Right Stuff
Why?  I don't fucking know.  The phrase is generally reserved for US fighter pilots who are accepted into the NASA astronaut program.  They could have called it "A Few Good Men" or "Star Wars" and made just as much referential sense.


Plot Synopsis:  A bunch of international theives steal a few container loads of uranium because apparently it's as easy as nicking old tyres from the city dump.  The Hammersley crew track down the missing shipment with the help of a dodgy old Israeli security consultant who ends up being in on the whole scam.  There's a somewhat one-sided firefight at the end before everyone sails home for tea and medals.

Dodgy old Israeli turns out to be dodgy. Who knew?

It never ceases to amaze me how shit-easy it is to take over an Australian war vessel.  Provided you have a pair of opposable thumbs and a spontaneous cover story, you can waltz aboard and start disarming the crew by claiming to be a bullet inspector.


Highlight: Some kid who's important to the Commander in some way (godson or ex-lover or whatever, I wasn't really listening) is taken hostage by the uranium theives ad nearly gets his dick shot off during the ensuing rescue.  As a result of this trauma he decides to join the Navy in order to get laid.

"You life will be just like a patrol boat: full of seamen."

Episode 4 title: Ransom

Why?  Shit, this one's right on the money.  The ep actually has kidnappers and a plan involving the exchange of valuables for an abductee.

Plot Synopsis:  the crew help rescue a kidnapped little brat of a girl.  It's kinda confusing because somehow the kid's step-dad masterminded the whole deal, but so did the biological father.  Or something.  Anyway, the crew hatch a plan that seems inconceivable to anyone who isn't autistic and proceed to fuck it up until the bad guys die of frustrated confusion.  And since when does the Navy handle civilian kidnappings anyway?  And where did the boss kidnapper get a WWII Sten gun?

Warning: one-handed firing of antique machinegun may result in tooth loss.

Highlight: in this ep my highlight concerns editing rather than plot.  As XO McGregor (Lisa McCune) and the kidnap victim (some child actor who'll be lucky to get a commercial gig after this crap) flee from their gormless captors we get a shot of this:

Pictured: microphone pack.  Not pictured: assistant editor being sacked.