Unbearable

Pandas, they sure are cute, but let's face it, they're lazy, hardly ever fuck, and don't even taste that good (too stringy, and they're a bitch to skin).  Seriously, what kind of bear eats wood instead of meat as a calorie source?  The average panda has to chomp through 20 kilos a day of bamboo just to find the energy to take a nap.  That's because when it comes to nutrition, bamboo has about as much to offer as cardboard.

Check out the Adelaide Panda site.  It's full of great panda facts (like...they eat and sleep most of the time) and personality profiles (one sleeps slightly less than the other).  Why do humans insist on projecting human behavioural traits onto non-human things?  There's also the translation of their adorable names.  'Funi' means 'Lucky Girl', a cutely optimistic name for any member of an endangered species.  'Wang Wang', on the other hand, translates as 'Net Net'. 

Net Net?  What the hell does that even mean?

Anyway, it turns out that I was remiss in assuming that all these emobears did was eat and sleep.  There is a group of zoo volunteers who organise 'enrichment' activities.  It's pretty much occupational therapy for bears.  Or playing with toys.  You know, just like in the wild.  Wang Wang loves to play with...I dunno, three balls and a rope, I guess.

Or an elephant's love beads, I'm no expert.

Meanwhile, Funi gains enrichment by:

getting her head stuck in a bucket.

The crowds love this shit, but I can't help but feel that the zoo had to chuck some toys/janitorial supplies at the bears because 6 months of the eating and sleeping novelty was wearing thin.  And the zoo needs people to pay good money to see these critters.  Nowhere on the site does it mention just how many million dollars it costs to build the enclosures, train staff, grow 140 000 square metres of bamboo, conduct specialist medical care and buy head-sized buckets for the pair.  And that's not including the seven figure panda-rental fees paid to China for the privilege.

You can pay normal admission on the off chance to briefly view the enclosure and no guarantee of seeing the pandas, or you can do what I did today and not see them on pandacam instead.  But if you're serious about seeing the world's most boring bears then you'll fork out for a proper panda tour.

The Panda & Friends Tour

For a mere $130 you and 49 other customers can rock up early in the morning for 3.5 hours of visiting the other type of panda (the red ones nobody gives a shit about), then taken to watch the real pandas get out of bed, before being dragged away for a tour of the zoo and all the animals you didn't come along to see.

Funi & Wang Wang's red-headed step-brother, Derek.

VIP Panda Tour

This here is the real deal.  For an entire hour you get to visit Giant Panda Headquarters (no shit, that's a real thing) and stare at the beasts through glass while some zoo keeper lectures you on how bamboo works.  And all that for just $495.

Hang on, you mean that I don't even get to arm wrestle a panda for that price, let alone live out my dream of fighting one in a gladiator pit?  But I even brought my trident and Net Net net, you fuckers.

It promises to be a once in a life time experience.  But for that price I figure I can afford other unique experiences that don't involve some keeper telling me repeatedly that pandas eat fucking bamboo.

Like a pair of waders and a couple of very open-minded hookers, for a start.

Oh, and don't forget to look up the panda blog.  It only gets updated every month or so, but let's face it, that's how often a panda probably does something even mildly interesting.