Due to no demand whatsoever, here's another seven things I'd rather hate than resolve...
Royal Weddings
It's twenty-fucking-eleven! I should be sitting in a rocket chair watching clones fight for food on the Moon! Why the hell is there even a royalty anymore? I'll tell you why, because watching Royals do things is like seeing time travellers pop up now and again to remind us how far we've come since serfdom.
Wikileaks
I know you're trying to make government shennanigans transparent and more accountable, but what you're really doing is spamming us with things we really don't want to know, okay? There are so many cables and excerpts flying around now that I'm starting to miss the old cover-ups.
Soft Stalkers
Thanks to the cyber-age of information, stalking has never been lazier. Back in the old days it took serious, obsessive narcissism to get out and physically follow the object of your twisted desire. If the cops didn't get you the new boyfriend's attack dogs would. Nowadays people just patch together a few fake online profiles and fish for whatever info they can glean on the whereabouts and activities of exes. Then they start the hate-campaigns, constructing elaborate propoganda vehicles on Facebook, Twitter, SMS spamming and whatever else the kids are using to lie to the universe these days. If you're going to act out like a sad, sulky child, for Christ's sake have the gumption to do it in person so the authorities can field test their new tazers.
Soft Revenge
It's like vengeance lost its balls and revenge fantasies were rewritten by Disney. Nobody wreaks revenge by bettering their own life, they do it by destroying someone else's. Revenge is what you do when you DON'T want to get over something, that's the whole fucking point. It's the opposite of moral maturity, the high road and natural justice. Leave it up to karma? Good luck waiting for your nemesis to die off and return as a caterpillar, hippie. Look, I'm not advocating petty vindication, I'm just saying that you have the options to either evolve with dignity or avenge your situation by sneaking over to that fucker's place and spray-painting the word 'RACIST' on their car bonnet. One option may eventually make you feel satisfied with life, while the other will definitely be hilarious.
Internet Porn
You say there's too much? I say not enough, at least not enough interesting stuff out in Adult Entertainment Land. All the permutations have been thrashed to death, every possible carnal configuration between consenting adults explored. It's getting to the stage where real life sex is becoming a preferable again.
3D Movies
Not worth the extra $5 if it's still a crappy movie, alright? Any film that has to rely on tricking my brain into thinking its pointing things at me in order to sell tickets is probably not going to end up in my masterpiece collection.
Wars
A lot of these armed conflicts aren't about good guys fighting bad guys, they're about one sort of bad guy fighting another sort of bad guy, neither of whom care about you, okay? The media only presents it as a 'Light vs Darkness' scenario because tallying up the true atrocities accrued by both sides would take too long and would make you finally realise that all the guns belong to crazy assholes.
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