Beware Ye The Lurker!

Lurkers.  I fucking hate fucking Lurkers.  They are the social epitome of all that is wrong with heterosexual males.  You get female Lurkers too, but they tend to be pathetic, wallowy creatures destined for pity.  No, there are few things as reprehensible as the male Lurker.  Make no mistake, they are the most annoying of social thorns in any man's side.


So, Kidd, what the fuck is a Lurker?
We've all met them, especially in our teens and twenties.  Occasionally you'd date a sweet gal who had that one, close male friend.  A real BFF who always remembers her birthday, clocks up hundreds of couch hours watching chick flicks with her, even take her shopping or out to lunch when she's feeling blue.  As far as she's concerned they've been great mates since highschool and he registers zero threat on her radar, despite not being gay or her brother.  He's infiltrated her circle like 'one of the girls' and wheedled into her family like 'part of the furniture'.  And, as far as he's concerned, you're just the latest in a long line of mistakes that she will make until she wakes up and sees him as her soul mate.  Just like in all those chick flicks he watches with her.

Oh, and the playful tickle fights and harmless neck rubs.  We just love that shit, you Lurking cunt. 

She says: "But we're just good friends!"

Poor Jacob: cursed with Lurkanthropy.

Uh-huh, sure.  That's why every time I see him goofing around with you my balls itch and my knuckles start grinding their teeth.  Look, when most straight guys end up in a girl's friend zone we make a point of drifting away like a dog from an empty dinner bowl.  It's because another term for friend zone is "Lost Swamp of Masturbatory Despair".  Sure, we'll drive past it now and again and wave out the window, but we're not about to build a house there.  The Lurker does the oposite and digs in, hoping to win a war of attrition by outlasting all suitors.  Lacking the balls to tell the girl how he really feels, he just hangs on and on out of a false sense of entitlement.

Rationalisations of the Lurker

"I know her better than anyone."
"I make her laugh."
"We've been through so much together."
"I'm always there for her."
"We love each other on a deeper level."

Yeah, yeah, you share such a special, platonic bond that we can hardly notice your boner when you're splashing her at the beach, creep.  I've even heard one Lurker say to me, "We have a running joke whereby if neither of us has settled down by age 40 we'll marry each other - ha ha!"  He was 25, but his wistful eyes told me he would seriously hold out for another 15 years if necessary.

Yeah, we've been best mates ever since she grew boobs.

Why is he a threat?

Make no mistake, a Lurker is competition disguised as a friendly, nonchalant smile.  His only goal is her, so his mission is the demise of your relationship.  His methods will be passive-aggressive and duplicitous because he loathes direct confrontation.  Remember, this fucker is built for endurance - he can wait months before driving home the wedge.  In the mean time he'll either want to be your buddy and recon you for vulnerabilities, or try to monopolise her time with secret in-jokes or staged emergencies.  A creature of festering jealousy, he fears and despises your presence nearly as much as he does his own feeble soul.

Okay, Kidd, so short of waiting for him to have an "accident", how do I deal with a Lurker?

Accidents happen all the time

There is no risk-free way of handling this type of douchebag.  The sad truth is that, short of an acquired brain injury, most chicks know deep down of their Lurker's intent.  They just choose to ignore or suppress this knowledge because they a) don't feel threatened, and b) enjoy the attention and/or power.  Still, the mere fact that he probably spends most nights jerking it to mental images of her is enough to compel you into action.  Unfortunately there are precious few ways to do this without looking like a bit of a tool, which is exactly what he's counting on.  But fuck it, you've got to either take a stand or forever watch your back.

1. Casual Awareness Raising: befriend him on Facebook and send a group mail including him with a link to this article along with a message like "Lol, this guy is seriously paranoid, right?"

2. Guerilla Tactics: this is PsyOps game-playing, but some of you guys love being sneaky fuckers anyway.  Lurkers love routines, especially with the object of their affection.  There are bound to be recurrent little bonding rituals that he shares with the girl - games night every Tuesday, touch football or gallery visits on the weekend, Harry Potter marathons and Mutual Hair Braiding once a month or shit like that.  Upset that routine like upsetting an enemy's supply line: unpredictably and with zero notice.

3. Declaration by Proxy: as in all things, your brethren are your staunchest allies.  If they're anything like you, they will share similar views on Lurkers and be willing to help.  What you really want here is a group forum (including the Lurker and the girl for best effect) and a true friend who is in a stable relationship.  The friend then regales the audience with a highly embellished cautionary tale about a Lurker they bested in the past.

4. The Ultimate Litmus Test: this one has the highest stakes but is most effective when dealing with a girl in denial about her Lurker's agenda.  Warning: there is an even chance you'll come off looking like a psychopath initially, but when this works it does so spectacularly.  It comes down to a simple yet highly volatile discussion with youir girlfriend that goes something like this:

"I believe your so-called friend to be a fucking lurker.  I am willing to bet our relationship on this.  If you don't believe me then offer to suck his dick and see what happens."

Be preapared for all sorts of ugly shit to come out of this (previously undisclosed sexual histories, her going ballistic at having to concede the truth, her actually falling for him like a bad movie), but live with the consolation that anything short of her finally acknowledging the Lurker for what he is means your relationship was probably doomed anyway.


DISCLAIMER: some folk are going to cry about me broadcasting insecurities - bullshit. An insecurity is a fear that you fail to act on. I've always acted on my fears, especially when relationships are at stake. This has often ended in messy results, but one thing I'm never afraid of is to get dirty to get to the truth. Others may think I'm arguing that members of the opposite sex can't be friends with each other. Rubbish, provided they're honest about it to all concerned. I respect any man who has the balls to approach and say: "Hi, I'm a direct rival for your girlfriend's affection." provided he also has the same guts to say it to her.

Men Beware: Women are superhuman

Okay, so maybe I'm not claiming that women-folk are a bunch of mutant-powered vigilantes who can probe your brain or control your mind.  Or maybe I am, but not in a manner designed to generate undue paranoi- aw hell, let's face it, us guys are royally fucked when it comes to toe-to-toe encounters with the unfairly fairer sex.  I've been asked questions all my adult life by guys who just don't get this, so here's my way of trying to level the playing field between genders.  Below are some Futilely Asked Questions along with my answers and suggested counter-measures.


1. Why doesn't my partner trust me?


Easy: women are telepathic.

There's only two things on your mind.

 

While they may not be able to read your mind per se, many women can sure as shit read everything else about you - appearance, mannersims, body language and paralinguistic cues.  Moreover, they can do so in the context of comparative behavioural profiling.  Similar to a lie detector, once they have a base template of genuine behaviour (ie: how you act when you're being completely honest) they can use that as a reference to future behaviour and compare the difference.  Eye movements, tone and timbre of voice, fidgeting, all that shit gets cross-referenced to see if it matches your 'honest' profile of behaviour.  Compounding this is the fact that women tend to have significantly more interconnections bewteen the left and right hemispheres of the brain, which means they not only effectively process this stuff, but do so on multiple levels at once.

Counter-measure: This is a tough one, and there's really only two options - either be honest ALL the time so your behavioural profile never changes (albeit as an insensitive prick), or lie ALL the time for the same reason.


2. How come my woman always catches me when I check out other women?


Because you are as subtle as you are stupid.

Even the leader of the free world.

Back in ye olde prehistoric times there was a basic demarcation of gender roles.  Men would hunt and fight, women would gather and rear kids (and conspire with other women).  This gives them a natural edge when it comes to peripheral vision and subtle observation.  But it's not just their superior peripheral vision that catches you out, its your own perving skills that make it so easy for them.
Back on the ancient savannah or tundra we men developed very keen, yet tunnelled, vision over range, especially when we moved on from being scavengers to hunters.  Being able to spot and then visually track priority targets (prey, predators and potential mates) was an essential survival ability.  And because we hunted in packs, there was little need to improve our peripheral range so long as our buddies were watching our backs.  Think of your field of view as being like a sniper scope, while women have more of a wide angle lens.
Now, when you're at the pub and some chick with a balltastic rack wanders by, your scope locks onto that pair of party balloons and starts tracking.  Only, because of your subconscious need to keep that target in focal view, you don't just look with your eyes - you move your whole fucking head like a goddamned turret.

Counter-measure: sunglasses only help so much, but a motorcycle helmet combined with a neck brace is better.  I'd suggest ignoring 3rd party boobies all together, but that's like saying 'ignore food and water'.

3. Hey, Kidd, my woman says I've changed since we first started dating, and not for the better.  What gives?

Simple, douchebag, you've just started being more honest.

And after I finished being a test pilot for Space Force I joined the Peace Corps: Ninja Division.

When a guy starts dating a girl he puts on his A game, seeking to make the best impression possible.  All male mammals do it in some way as part of the whole mating ritual thing.  Unfortunately, your 'best' is not sustainable in the long term.  Even more unfortunately, the woman thinks that your 'first impression' efforts are actually your normal self.  As far as she's concerned, you are naturally clean-shaven, well groomed and as morally perfect as you made out to be the first time you both met.  As I always quote from PJ O'Rourke: "I clean my house about once a girlfriend, after that they can get to know the real me".

Counter-measure: Instead of going for the hard sell at the beginning of a relationship, try a bit of marginal underplay.  If she's still willing to give you a go, she'll actually be pleasantly surprised that you're not quite as bad as you made yourself out to be at the start.


4. What the fuck is it with her monthly mood swings, tears and paranoia?

She is either an emo-werewolf or about to start bleeding.  Possibly both.

Men have no conception of the hormonal rollercoaster that is the fertile female body.  PMS, in many cases, is the biological equivalent of a dude scoring some badly cut meth - instead of a buzz, you get stomach cramps, sweats, mild delusions and become highly irritable.  Now, combine that with their relative hyper-senses (women tend to both hear and smell better than men) and a naturally lower threshold for pain*, and you've got a wounded bear out for blood and ready to maul anyone who gets in her way.

Counter-measure: if you want your relationship to work, and to minimise any conflict therein, you will chart and track her menstrual cycle.  She won't - it still dumbfounds me how so many girls forget when their next period is due, then act all surprised when PMS hits again.  It's up to you to draw up a secret calendar highlighting the expected danger dates.  Then, when the time draws near follow this simple rule: Stay. The. Fuck. Away.
In my case I tend to be extremely honest with the love of my life when she's at this phase of her cycle.  I tell her outright that I'll be ignoring her outbursts and accusations for the next few days and won't take any of it personally due to her temporary insanity.  Then again, I say this over the phone from my place which is 30km away.

* And don't give me any of that 'but women can bear the pain of chilbirth, you mysoginistic cunt!'  That shit won't play because it's the 9 month exception to the pain threshold rule, during which time their bodies produce superhuman levels of endorphins and other pain control chemicals in deliberate preparation for labour.

Sea Patrol Season 4: 3 in 1 Wrap Up

I've been catching up on SP and its endless evocation of tears and laughter.  This article covers episodes 2-4 because, well, there really isn't that much to them.  Each ep contains a synopsis and a highlight that best encapsulates the spirit of this full motion naval recuitment campaign.

Episode 2 title: Crocodile Tears
Why?  Because of all the sad crocodiles.  And by 'sad' I mean dead.  And flayed.

So gross.

Synopsis:  the crew of the HMAS Hammersley, temporarily skippered by a tubby Steve Bastoni (CO Flynn is sailing a desk since taking a promotion), discover the presence of croc poachers.  During leave at some fictional sovereign island where poachers hang out, 2 Dads and the new commander have a big bar fight and attempt to steal and release a captive crocodile, leading to potentially international incident.  CO Cocktard coerces 2 Dads to take the fall, but is exposed at the end when the head poacher is arrested.  Also, CO Flynn and XO McGregor (Ian Stenlake and Lisa McCune) finally get down and dirty.

Even grosser.

Highlight: Commander Expendable and 2Dads flee the busted up bar after rescuing a resident crocodile that entertains patrons by performing tricks (it eats things - seriously, that's the trick).  They then free it by the side of a main road where it scuttles into oncoming traffic.  Splat!

I'm an expert on crocs, 2Dads, just set it down here on Main street and it'll hitch a ride back to the swamp, okay?

Episode 3 title: The Right Stuff
Why?  I don't fucking know.  The phrase is generally reserved for US fighter pilots who are accepted into the NASA astronaut program.  They could have called it "A Few Good Men" or "Star Wars" and made just as much referential sense.


Plot Synopsis:  A bunch of international theives steal a few container loads of uranium because apparently it's as easy as nicking old tyres from the city dump.  The Hammersley crew track down the missing shipment with the help of a dodgy old Israeli security consultant who ends up being in on the whole scam.  There's a somewhat one-sided firefight at the end before everyone sails home for tea and medals.

Dodgy old Israeli turns out to be dodgy. Who knew?

It never ceases to amaze me how shit-easy it is to take over an Australian war vessel.  Provided you have a pair of opposable thumbs and a spontaneous cover story, you can waltz aboard and start disarming the crew by claiming to be a bullet inspector.


Highlight: Some kid who's important to the Commander in some way (godson or ex-lover or whatever, I wasn't really listening) is taken hostage by the uranium theives ad nearly gets his dick shot off during the ensuing rescue.  As a result of this trauma he decides to join the Navy in order to get laid.

"You life will be just like a patrol boat: full of seamen."

Episode 4 title: Ransom

Why?  Shit, this one's right on the money.  The ep actually has kidnappers and a plan involving the exchange of valuables for an abductee.

Plot Synopsis:  the crew help rescue a kidnapped little brat of a girl.  It's kinda confusing because somehow the kid's step-dad masterminded the whole deal, but so did the biological father.  Or something.  Anyway, the crew hatch a plan that seems inconceivable to anyone who isn't autistic and proceed to fuck it up until the bad guys die of frustrated confusion.  And since when does the Navy handle civilian kidnappings anyway?  And where did the boss kidnapper get a WWII Sten gun?

Warning: one-handed firing of antique machinegun may result in tooth loss.

Highlight: in this ep my highlight concerns editing rather than plot.  As XO McGregor (Lisa McCune) and the kidnap victim (some child actor who'll be lucky to get a commercial gig after this crap) flee from their gormless captors we get a shot of this:

Pictured: microphone pack.  Not pictured: assistant editor being sacked.