Sea Patrol: protecting our borders from....stuff

I'd never watched this show before, and I certainly don't know anything about naval procedures, but I came away feeling a little concerned, like the subtext was an attempt to lull our enemies into a false sense of security by portraying patrol boat crews as guillible idiots.

Crew look on in horror as their zealous captain conducts an impromptu, wrist-deep cavity search.

In amongst the rest of the plot - something about weapon smugglers hiding on an island - there's a supposedly wronged innocent party (whose obviously a secret bad guy), who claims to be ex-navy and hence is inexplicably given the run of the ship.

I too was once a sea soldier for the Water Army.  Mind if I take your boatship for a spin?

The crew even take him on a guided tour of engineering and brief him on the fire control systems. Then some chromosonally challenged night-watch sailor lets this dodgy dude take over control of the bridge while Disable Seaman Douche Bag pops out for a coffee. Surprisingly (?), Mr Dodgy frees his fellow gun-runners and they nearly all escape. Dammit, but we trusted this dishonourably discharged total stranger!
As penance for simultaneously deserting his post and all but handing the keys over to a terrorist, Deckhand Douchebag (DB) is severely punished by...by not being allowed to play with the other boys and girls during shore leave for a few hours. I guess I'd handle it a bit differently:

Deckhand Douchebag, now with a screw-top lid.

Cap'n Kidd: "Okay, crew, you can all go enjoy your shore leave.....Douchebag! Where do you think you're going?"
DB: "On shore leave, sir?"
Cap'n Kidd: "You've got to be fucking kidding me. You'll report back to the ship for watch duty."
DB (shrugs): "Okay, captain, fair enough."
Cap'n Kidd: "Until SIB get here and put you in a naval sodomy prison for ten years."
DB: "Aw, captain -"
Cap'n Kidd: "After which you will be shot as a traitor."
DB: "Oh."

But, in all fairness, DB doesn't have the best of role models onboard.

The Commander of the HMAS Hammersley, whose name may be Captain Dick Bukkake for all I know, hardly inspires command confidence. After he initially foils the weapon smugglers on the island by unnecessarily dive tackling one off a hover craft as the baddies try to escape, he returns to the ship and orders an ensign or someone to deal with the contraband in a somewhat impractical way. Here's my version. See if you can pick which sceptical yet over-endowed ensign I'm playing.

Capt Dick: "Ensign?"
Ensign Megapecker: "Sir?"
Capt Dick: "I want you to put the ordnance we captured from the hovercraft back on the beach and post a couple of sentries. The Feds will be here tomorrow to pick it up."
Ensign Megapecker: "Let me get this straight, sir. You want us to take the anti-tank launchers and military grade explosives back out of our fortified arms locker and return them to the indefensible, deserted beach and then split our man-power by having to guard it out in the open?"
Capt Dick: "Um, yes, that's right. Then the Feds can get it from us tomorrow."
Ensign Megapecker: "Uh-huh. So, rather than simply rendezvous with our heavily armed patrol boat, the Feds would prefer the added hassle of having to get to the beach and haul the stuff away?"
Capt Dick: "Absolutely, ensign. Now, any other questions?"
Ensign Megapecker: "Only one, sir: whose side are you on?"