Chasing The Australian Dream (Machine)

I found an article on Cracked.com that included reference to the below....video game thingy.  Though I was patriotically proud that this had made the top of the article's list, I was compelled to expand on this piece of shit, if for no other reason than to prove that it was not a joke.

In the US they're using motion capture technology to develop completely console-less gaming experiences.  Back here one company has decided to go completely the other way.

I do not, cannot know where to begin with this gaming console concept product.  Please visit the site of this monstrosity and soak up the god-awful weasel words and terms on offer.  Terms like 'multi-modal' (adjustable), 'physiointeractive' (you move around in it) and even 'computer game players' (we're called 'gamers', cocktard).  Don't get me wrong, this thing could revolutionise immersive gaming as we know it, but only if the market suddenly creates a popular need for indoor swingset simulators.

Okay, let's begin.

What is wrong with this picture?  The awkwardly photoshopped poses of the dancing onlookers?  The little kid in the foreground pointing at the crudely bitmapped wall-speaker?  The way the supporting tent poles of this contraption are straining under the weight of the operator?  

All great answers, I'm sure, but for me it has to be the ambiguous bulges in creepy Uncle Mario's sweat pants as he prepares to lunge in for one of his famous 'rear hugs'. 

And here we see how the Deam Machine is Turning Computer Gaming Into Sport.  Yep, it's a fitness machine for gamers, kinda like Wii Fit, only somewhat less convenient.  When not taking up your entire lounge room, the DM folds up into a pile of bits that (according to the site) can be stored in half a linen cabinet, along with every other ab-machine and sex swing you ever ordered online. And is it just me, or is Uncle Mario in the centre there having way too much fun for someone who isn't even using it to play a video game?  It looks like he's just swinging around uncontrollably while making "Brmm! Brmm!" noises.

And what is with the distorted views of the gameplay examples on the left half of this pic?  The guy top left looks like he just rolled up to a cartoon car accident on my old receptionist's Gopher Scooter.  Sleeveless-camo boy (mid left) is somehow tilting the entire tripod assembly in synch with that motorcycle he's chasing.  While at the bottom left corner some dude has managed to chain his Dream Machine to the ceiling so he can gaze down on the giant plasma screen he left lying face-up on the floor.

The DM comes with interchangeable, multiple application attachments, like this 'bike' version. (or, as I like to call this shot, 'The Loneliest Man in the World').  Here's the spiel for this piece of innovation:

This is an absolutely realistic cycling simulation system, for use with games like “Tour dè France” and “Velodrome,” which we hope to find being made, or want to J.V. - commission. Get in touch if you wish to help.

That's right, they've developed attachments for games that don't actually exist, but 'hope to find being made'.

And extreme sportsters also win with the DM because here's the 'board games' option, which despite being only a wafer thin disc, somehow supports the weight of a fully grown man without bending.  This is easily explained, of course, when you realise that 'boarder man' here is actually only two-thirds the size of his biking clone above.

But DM aren't content with just offering you, the home gamer, the chance to hilariously injure yourself and nearby loved-ones with the machine.  Please prepare to ejaculate as I present the Dream Machine Arcade:

Welcome to The Future of Arcades, a coin-op wonderland where you can pay for the privilege of bringing in your own game disc and memory card to compete against our pastel clones.  Guaranteed to be way more fun than competing for free online.  Both portrait and landscape screens are available, just ask my mother's floating torso at the front of the store.

Okay, I know this is a nightmarish attempt by some family (whose 'older brother, Chris,' apparently developed a hang gliding simulator a while back) to somehow break into the console accessory/home gym niche that we've all been clamouring for.  But seriously, what the hell?  Even if this simcon was actually 'compatable' with most systems like they claim, the physics behind the tripod design is dangerously unstable.  The site makes all manner of unlikely promises, but to fully appreciate the imminent power of this product just check out the quotes and sources listed on their 'E3 Comments' page.  It reads like a literary montage of irony. 

But then I hear you cry:  "Fuck you, Ash, this thing has me throbbing with unnatural desire.  Where do I get one of these Dream Machines, dammit?"   Hah, well fuck you too, retarded compulsive shopper, because the 'Order' page only has this to say:

The Dream Machine Simcon will be available soon. Commercial and Institutional Enquiries Welcomed.

please send an email click here