Sex Detective vs Dr Phil, part one

You know why I despise Dr Phil?  Yeah, apart from him being everything I'm not - rich, successful, famous, well-marketed, Texan, bald and fat.  No, what shits me is what he represents: just the right mix of simplistic truth and twisting lies that sells so well to people who have forgotten how to think like fully functional adults.  Phil is a great believer salesman in instantaneous behavioural modification.  "You've gotta change your life!"  "Take charge of your life today!"  "Today is gonna to be a turning point in your life!"  But like all salesmen, his solutions weren't warranted until he told you there was a problem in the first place.  It's Dianetics and infomercials all rolled into one.  Do you have a troubled teen?  Is your relationship on the rocks because of lies?  Does your kid hate vegetables?  Is your ass suffocating your head?  Then buy one of my many books that tell you how to live your life, because you obviously can't be trusted to work it out yourself, moron.


What Would You Do?
I had a peek at his blog today in order to tackle the hard questions on offer.  Today's biting provocation into the heart of your soul was this: What would you do if you only had 24 hours to live?  Many respondents droned on about forgiving rapists, surrounding themselves with family, or praying to their imaginary friends or something.  Personally I found the scenario bizarrely disturbing.  I could only come up with two viable reasons why it would present itself.

1. I was already dying horribly from something and the doctors just gave me the expiration date, in which case the best I could wish for on my last day were every happy drug they could pump into me.

2. I was being held hostage by some assholes who were real sticklers for punctuality, meaning that I had a whole day to piss and shit myself in between begging and sobbing.

"Hey, guys, what would YOU do if you only had 24 hours to live?"

"Rape you 48 times, now shut up and keep walking, imperialist scum."

But even assuming I was otherwise healthy and unrestrained when the news broke, I'd be so fucked up by the prospect that I doubt anything sanely worthwhile would occur to me.  I guess I probably wouldn't go to work for a start.  Not too sure I'd be all nostalgic and remorseful either.  No way would I waste time contacting every family member and close friend to let them know - why the hell would I put the people I love through that grief?  I'm actually not always a very nice guy, and by telling me I'm dead by tomorrow kinda disinclines me to keep that flaw in check.  In fact I can almost guarantee that over the next 24 hours there would be a lot of 'closure' heading towards every cunt who ever pissed me off, mainly in the form of highly ironic practical jokes.  And by 'jokes' I mean 'fists'.  It would be a 24 hour smack-fest.  A knock at the door followed by a falcon punch without preamble or explanation.  Balls or ovaries, I wouldn't discriminate, just punch, punch, punch til the timer on my cortex bomb ran out.


Keep It Real, dude
But aside from inciting pointless fantasy scenarios, Dr Phil likes to dish out simplistic relationship advice for folks who need a crash helmet to navigate a stairwell.

Do you ever lie? Or are you in a relationship with a liar? Dr. Phil offers steps to change your behavior, and in turn, change your relationship with a dishonest person.

Everyone lies, Phil, even you.  It's not only one of many innate human traits, it's essential for people to function in society.  Bad people lie for careless gain, good people lie to help others.  Some people even lie to sell shitty self-help books on their TV shows.  Deceit is just as valid a survival ability as any other.  It's not the lie itself that harms, it's the reason behind it.  But, no, that's way too cynical for the audience.  Instead you offer them insanity.

Be Real with Yourself and Your Partner
If you lie to yourself, you’re the filter. You’re the way the world gets to see you, so if you’re distorting, then you’re totally lost.

Technically these are legitimate sentences oozing out of his self-righteous head, but fucked if I can make sense of them.  Put the word 'dude' at the end of his sentences and suddenly you realise it's just '70s stoner philosophy as typically discussed while waiting for the pizza to arrive.


A Family Affair Fucking Train Wreck

Ed hates his wife, but she wants to save the marriage as punishment.

Six months ago, Ed revealed to his wife (Kandi) of 12 years that he'd been having an affair. That news was shocking enough, but shortly after he dropped another bombshell: The mistress is pregnant.

Ed is a doctor (a real one, not like Phil) and yet possibly the stupidest man on television.  His family, his really pissy looking wife most of all, think that by exposing Ed's shame publically on Dr Phil, some ageing Texan therapist can fix this shit.  Hey, do you wanna know what men do when women pressure them with shame for fucking up?  They continue to fuck up more, often in new and interesting ways.  Compound this pressure with half an audience of rabid women and you turn an otherwise conventional marital abortion into a national disaster.  He's confessed to fucking at least one of his nurses, and unless this mistress did her medical training in the Vatican, she deliberately allowed him to impregnate her.  Still, Dr Phil reckons he can help with some vague, hick advice on marriage saving.

"There definitely is a plan and a way to work through this. But both of you have to say, 'I'm just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other'."

Sure enough, the marriage is doomed, no matter how many feet get put where.  Ed moves out (gets his ass booted) leaving his wife and their 3 kids behind.  Of course Phil will claim this is because they failed to follow his advice.  That's what we call a non-falsifiable claim, or unprovable bollocks.  Look, the guy was getting his on the side, hoping for just a fling, but ended up in a shit storm of his own making.  I'm guessing the guy is great at his job - the medical bit, I mean, not necessarily the nurse-fucking bit - which means he probably sucks at other stuff like monogamous, healthy relationships.  Instead he turns soft-cock, telling each woman whatever bullshit they want to hear at the time until one or both of them make a decision (eg: get the hell out) for him.  Why?  Because he can.  He knows damn well he's got 2 broads fighting over him.  Many modern women are competitive on levels we guys cannot conceive but are happy to exploit if we are weak enough to do so.

Ed adopted a victim mentality the moment he fessed up to Kandi.  He wanted to get away from her, but lacked the cajones to file for divorce.  Instead he simply had to continue to be a lecherous dick until she threw him out.  The public shame forum that is Dr Phil just solidified his victimhood status in his own mind.

The Sex Detective would certainly adopt a different approach.

SD: "Ed, it's obvious to me that you hate your marriage, otherwise you wouldn't be fucking some other chick out of boredom or spite, or, from what I've seen of your wife, pure physical revulsion.  Divorce her, dickhead."

Ed: "But my kids - "

SD: "Will be fucking fine, just like every third kid in their class living with divorced parents right now."

Ed: "But I think I still love my wife!"

SD: "Can it, fool.  Love's a verb, not a noun.  It's a doing word, and you ain't doing shit, pal.  Divorce her now, and if you still feel that way about her on a few years time you can always marry her again, okay?  Pussy.  [Turns to audience] Next we have a mom whose emo kid likes to cut himself in his room, so we're going to give her some carpet cleaning tips.  Stay tuned."

Click here to see Part Two...