While other sex and relationship advice sites claim to offer you the most empathetic, assertive, empowering ways to tackle your love life, I will save you both time and childish optimism by simply bukkaking your mind with the information and skills necessary to hold back the tears when you do fail at personal shit that was probably a longshot anyway, loser. Good luck!
Halloween isn't a particularly big deal in this country, but we do love our costume parties. I've neen a spaceman, cross dresser, toga boy, superhero, centurion and, more commonly, a masked Sex Detective. But while investigating the seemingly universal urge to play dress-ups, I've encountered some images that just baffle me.
Pets
Animals are an infinite source of joy and companionship, yet time and time again owners feel compelled to test the age-old question: "Given enough shame, can my pet become suicidal?"
This one just fucking scares me. Bad enough that dog owners can't help but exploit their pets for cheap laughs, but this example is actually creepy. I'm sorry, but if I saw this thing trotting my way in a dark alley I simply wouldn't stop shooting until I found enough petrol to burn its remains.
How is this not abuse? What are you trying to achieve here, hilarious pug owner? The poor little fella obviously isn't comfortable being weighed down by this monstrosity, and all your friends will think is that you're showing them what happens when you feed a dog ass-first to a croc.
As you can see by this dog's wall-eyed expression, its still recovering from the tazing required to get it strapped into this complicated get-up.
Hey, what expression best captures the process of stuffing a puppy into a bird suit then making it look into a mirror?
If you're going to humiliate your pet with a costume, try to ensure that it's something people are familair with, okay? Or at least clearly labelled. Otherwise you end up with this.
I mean, what the fuck is it meant to be? Those... things sticking out of its head - eye stalks? antennae? inflatable horns? I'll never know. The only vague, horrible guess I can offer is that Rufus is meant to be a Pokemon. But dressing up dogs as Pokemons just to watch them fight is so wrong. WRONG!
This cat's expression is not uncommon when experiencing an existential crisis.
Superheroes
Holy calories, Batman!
In this alterante universe Batman & Robin fight Ronald McDonald instead of the Joker. They fight him a lot, like twice a day and also at breakfast time on weekends.
Unfamiliar with the concept of metaphors, these Japanese heroes have literally just come out of the closet. And to drive the point home they made sure to don their penis helmets, mankinis and... giant magnets?
Just how ambiguous does your costume have to be if you need to emblazon the chest with a titled portrait of the hero you're trying to emulate? "Hi, kids, I'm Aquaman. You can tell by the photo of me wearing something completely different on my suit. Sure, I wear a face mask, complete with its own face, but only on my crotch as part of my bail conditions."
Bi-polar mood affective disorder is a serious mental illness and should not be mocked in this fashion.
Star Wars
I have a sinking feeling this guy got his mates to papier mache this dodgy piece of crap around his body just outside whatever low expectation conference he was attending. Where are his arms? Poor dude can't even defend himself on the long walk home after learning the hard way he can no longer fit through a bus door.
C-3PO, Chewie and Darth Vader are iconic figures from a sci-fi classic. So why did it take me a little while to work out out who these fucks were trying to be? Here we have three stoners who left their creative ideas to the last minute. Darth has the right helmet, but looks like he taped a CD player to his chest. C-3PO has somehow managed to look like an 8-bit video game version of himself. And is that kitchen bin with a glued-on light at the bottom of the shot meant to be R2-D2? The Wookie-girl, having never seen the most popular space opera of all time, based her efforts on a brief, descriptive text message she received at 3am the night before.
And here we have all your favourites in the one shot: There's Jabba's dancing girl getting ready to suck cock Yoda, R2-Dustbin, Darth Ned Kelly, the box that C-3PO originally came in, Princess Leia weilding a light sabre just like she never did on screen, and a guy wearing sunglasses and a garbage bag.
For anyone who isn't familiar with Hamas, it's an independent Palestinian socio-political and militant organisation who, despite public claims of not being anti-semetic, is a little pissy about the state of Israel. You can occasionally pick up on their dissatisfaction by all the stuff they do that involves wanting to kill Jews in general, and Israeli Jews in particular. That's not to say they don't do a lot of positive community work in the Gaza strip, but, you know, they're really... intense about the Jew thing. Pointed, in fact. So much so, that they are officially considered a terrorist organisation by most of the Western world.
But I'm not here to debate decades of who stole what from who, or how feuding with attack choppers and human bombs isn't necessarily the best way to resolve this issue. No, I'm much more concerned about their Al-Aqsa TV station, and their clearly insane kiddies' show, Tomorrow's Pioneers. It's broadly based on kiddy shows you see here all the time - kiddy hosts and colourful mascot-dressed characters. I don't know if you would call their overtly Western format ironic, but I do know that they endeavour to educate Palestinian children in cultural values. Such as bomb strapping for toddlers and 3rd grader AK-47 maintenance. And today you get to meet a legacy of three cutely designed animal characters that featured consecutively on this show between 2007 and 2009. Note that when this show 'kills off' a character in order to replace it they do NOT fuck around.
Farfour the Pussy Mouse
Once you watch this vid you will realise that Tomorrow's Pioneers did not just rip-off Mickey (even the voice), they did so to send a giant 'fuck you' to Disney.
You may not fully comprehend what just happened, so let me break it down. This is a real show, not a parody, spoof, or satirical production. You just watched a giant cartoon mouse guy try to fulfill his human grandfather's dying wish, only to be beaten to death by a Mossad real-estate agent. We also have a pre-teen host girl telling the young audience that not only should they kill Jews, but that death is preferable to not killing Jews. I repeat, this is an actual kid's show that has clocked up hundreds of episodes. It's target audience is 3-10 year olds. You need to think on that, people, to really understand how screwed the Gaza Strip issue is.
Nahoul the Retarded Bumble Bee
The whining-death-by-beating sacrifice of Farfour opened the way for a new man-in-a-bad-costume character called Nahoul. He's meant to be a bee for some reason, and he's kind of a dick.
So, apparently Palestinian zoos have a caged enclosure for the rare felinus domesticus, a cage easily accessible by a giant Asperger's insect whose first urge is to torture sleeping cats. Not content with tormenting moggies, Narhoul moves onto larger cats, chucking rocks at very pissed off lions. Ah, but then comes the kicker. We learn that this was actually an educational video showing kids how to learn from mistakes. Kids! Don't forget to stop fucking around with zoo animals! Also, kill some more Jews!
Assoud the Bugs Bunny
You'll be happy to know that Narhoul the cat bullying bee dies, despite all the brief and clumsy efforts to revive him. His death is also the fault of dirty, Zionist Israelis, I guess. But this tragedy spawns another hero dedicated to propogating child hate crimes.
That's right, kids, make way for Assoud. He's a rabbit with human parents and a dead bumble-bee for a brother. Obviously. So it only makes sense that his name - 'Assoud' - is Arabic for 'lion'. A caller even quizzes him on this discrepancy, and I fucking dare any of you to explain his "I'm-not-a-coward-rabbit-even-though-I'm-clearly-a-rabbit-costume" reply. Anyway, Lion the Rabbit is all snarky and shit when he learns that his brother the bee died because Israel didn't let a giant bug get medical treatment in Egypt. Well, it looks like you fucked up for the last time, Israel, because now a giant, pink bunny is going to go on a rampage and eat some Jews. That's right, carnivorous death threats from a dude dressed as a rabbit claiming to be a lion.
Jew Eating: you know it makes sense.
So there you have it, cartoonish martyrdom role-models for kids. Apparently bunny boy also bites it somehow and now Tomorrow's Pioneers have a jihad bear filling in for the insanity, possibly because the producers realised that a bear is a far more terrifying creature than, say, a mouse, a rabbit or a fucking bumble-bee with Down Syndrome. Unless it looks like this...
Adelaide's sexiest Sex Detective is committed to bullshit. You can take that however you want, but I'm not about to pass any opportunity to take cheap shots at so-called relationship experts who peddle their patronising crap to the public. The first examples come from Cosmopolitan Magazine online.
3x Sample Advice from Cosmopolitan Magazine Online Q1:I am 20 years old and I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We have slept in the same bed numerous times but we haven’t had sex. Is it me, is he just not attracted to me? from Isabel
Cosmo: He might be waiting for you to say something and doesn’t feel like he is pressuring you. This is a good situation to be in! There’s nothing worse than being pressure by a guy to do it when you’re not ready so the fact that he wants to wait means that he genuinely cares about you. Broaching the topic with him and indicating that you might be ready is a good way to break the ice, and to let him know that you might be ready to take the next step!
SD:Two years!? Holy fucking Christ, Isabel, most sane, sexually active mammals wouldn't wear that shit for 2 months. Are you sure he's your boyfriend and not just some homeless dude who's after a place to crash? Look, lady, any straight guy who shares your bed without making a move is, by sheer definition of libido, not attracted to you. So, congratulations, it is you after all.
Q2:HELP! Recently all my friends got boyfriends and they are madly in love but, I have never ever even had someone crush on me, let alone a boyfriend, I really want one, what do I do? from Jess
Cosmo: You need to start believing that you’re a sexy capable woman and will be able to get any man you put your mind too! Once you believe that you are confident and sexy, it’s time to start getting out there and meeting men. Ask all your girlfriends to get their boyfriends to introduce them to their friends and start mingling. Don’t be desperate or clingy – just show them how funny, sexy and cool you really are, and they’ll come running.
SD:Every social group invariably has an ugly duckling, destined to become an ugly duck. Quack, quack, Jess. Cosmo's advice about believing yourself to be confident and sexy will simply add 'hilariously delusional' to your list of ugly qualities. Good luck with being "funny, sexy and cool".
Q3:Every time I start getting close with a guy I freak out and find the smallest things I don’t like about them in order to get rid of them. How do I learn to not pick at the small things? from Bree
Cosmo: It might be that you’re simply afraid of commitment. Or it might be that you just haven’t found the right guy yet! If small things are annoying you from the outset, they’re only going to get worse as the relationship progresses. So it’s important for you to find someone you think you can stick around for the long haul. On the other hand, perhaps you should learn to stop being so picky!
SD:Seriously, Cosmo? Some chick asks you how to be less picky and your advice is "stop being so picky"? You dumb fucks, the solution is pretty simple - keep doing exactly what you're doing, Bree. That way you will eventually remove yourself from the gene pool and mankind will be saved from your arrogant, bullshit OCD approach to selecting a mate.
3x Sample Advice from Guyspeak
The second selection of advice fodder comes from Guyspeak, a site that is actually slightly above average most of the time when it comes to dishing out considered opinions. Most of the time. I'm not reprinting their entire answers to these questions because most of the panel tend to drone on while trying to be funny (even though only one of them, the legendary Michael Swaim, is an actual comedian).
Q1:Do men speak the TRUTH when they are drunk or stoned or both ie they really have feelings for you? What to do?
Guyspeak:The answer basically boils down to "maybe/maybe not" with a whole lot of fuck-knows-what references in between.
SD:No-one speaks the TRUTH when they're off their face. The closest you'll get, darling, is the DRUNKEN/STONED TRUTH. It's really quite basic - intoxicants alter your mental state, hence any so-called honest statements are only so in regards to that mental state. The guy who professes his love to you while hammered is only speaking from the heart of his drunken version, not his real, sober, far less embarrassing persona. It's beer-goggles truth, not the real deal.
Q2:My boyfriend is a physics major, I'm a fashion major. One of his good friends (a girl who is "in love" with him) is a physics major too. I can't help but worry that over the years he'll become attracted to her since they have that similar interest.
Guyspeak: "Highly doubtful. If my eighth grade science teacher taught me anything, it's that opposites attract. The fact that your major is the polar opposite of his is part of why he was drawn to you in the first place..."
SD:Aargh, I hate this fucking shit! The romantic ideal that opposites attract like magnetically polarised metals is the stupidest and most irrelevant analogy ever. For a start, how is a physics major and fashion major polar opposites? There's no logical basis for this assumption at all. Wouldn't, say, a physics major and a psychic sorcerer be more of a contrast? Anyway, if I've learned anything from the ash heaps of failed relationships I've left in my wake, it's that commonality is your greatest asset if you want things to work - common life goals, values, moral attitudes and so on. What you study at uni is pretty much irrelevant, the fact that you're both committed to tertiary education in order to launch a preferred career is commonality enough.
Q3:What does it mean if my boyfriend has the same birthday as my dad?
Guyspeak: "It means you should stop dating your dad cuz you are giving me the creeps."
SD:Hahaha! It's funny because it's incest! Actually, I'm not sure if it is that funny. What the Guyspeak panelist has done here is called 'reaching', an attempt at humour through deliberate misinterpretation or begging the reader to make an additional mental step in order to make the joke work. Now, if the question had been phrased 'the same date of birth as my dad' or even better, 'was born on the same day as my long lost father', the respondent's punchline would hold some merit. But as the question currently stands, it's clear that this girl's boyfriend is a separate entity from her father, and that the two simply share the same calendar day and month when it comes to their birthdays. As for the importance of this 1 in 365 coincidence, there obviously is none.
How the fuck should I know? Seriously, folks, happiness is overrated or, more to the point, under-valued. Feeling good about stuff is unique to every individual on the planet. Some people feel happiness when they see a kitten. Others feel the same warm glow while feeding body parts into a chipper. Good luck finding a DIY personality book that covers both those scenarios. Instead, I will focus on some of the general concepts that popular culture tells us is important for a happy life.
Self-esteem
I tackle this one all the time in my real world life. Every time I do I feel like the evil parent telling his kids that Santa is no more real than God, or vice versa. But it has to be done. See, in the '90s there were a lot of amateur psychologists, motivational speakers and childrens' programmers who tried to sell the idea that self-esteem could be taught. It can't. Sure, you can listen to some stage-loving con artist for a couple of hours, buy into his bullshit and feel better about your life for a little while, but it won't take long to learn that those crystals and whale music CDs he sold you won't actually make you handle life with any more self-esteem than you had before. The only thing those self-help merchants are doing is improving their own self-esteem by making money out of your misery.
So, how do you elevate your self-esteem for free? Thanks to the 21st Century, help is only a few internet clicks and 3 minutes, 11 seconds away. Here, let Carolin Dalman of 'carolinlovecoach' tell you how.
See, all you have to do is treat your low self-esteem like a separate entity, an invisible...volleyball(?) if you will. Then you talk to the volleyball and throw it away. Or, if you're shaking hands with your girlfriend/boss, just send your low self-esteem on a trip to Fiji until the end of the year. That's her advice, free of charge, and worth every cent. Guranteed to work right up until the point where you realise that you're talking out loud about imaginary beach sports and metaphorical travel agents like these things will make you feel better about yourself.
Look, it's really quite simple: people don't find success by improving their self-esteem, they improve self-esteem by actually succeeding at something. Anything will do. Paying a bill on time for a change. Not pouring your savings into a poker machine. Refusing to cry after masturbation. They are all positive changes in behaviour that are reinforced by tangible achievement.
Confidence
Closley related to the above topic, confidence is the ability to act in a manner that pre-supposes your intent to succeed. If you're serious about increasing your confidence, but only have 3 minutes to spare, then Dr Jeanine Austin has the answer for you right here.
Uh-huh. Thanks, Jeanine. Oh, and I see that, according to the spiel associated with this clip, you're somehow qualified to coach us in the following:
A Course in Miracles Coaching,
Spiral Dynamics,
Flow Authenticity,
Metaphysics New Thought, and, of course,
Positivie Psychology Psychology.
That's right, 'Positivie'. This list is far from exhaustive and in fact just gets more surreal as it goes on. But as far as building confidence goes, how better to do so than to walk into a wedding and ask "How may I be of service and extend my love?"
Okay, so confidence is a great thing. It is not, however, a substitute for actual competence. If you've read my shit before you would have learned about the Dunning-Kruger Effect - the inability by a person to recognise their own mediocrity in an area where they believe their actions to be exemplary. Confidence is important, but only where it is justified. I can walk into the gun range with all the confidence in the world but that doesn't mean I'll place a tightly grouped 10-ring result. Only competence through the practiced improvement of technique will get me that score. But, if I try substituting that by declaring an intent to extend my love and offering to service people, and all you'll get is a loud pervert with a gun and a lead slot on the evening news.
Popularity
For those who are concerned about how their culture see them, popularity is going to be the cornerstone of their happiness. But popularity doesn't just happen, does it? To learn more about how to be popularised, let's turn to...fuck, seriously? This bitch again? Okay, whatever...
"It's usually the really good people that are the most popular,"? Why not just spit in my face, you cuntfuck whore- Er, I mean, how many people right here right now remember how school popularity and personal morality were indivisible? Anybody? Hell, she even says herself that the tough girls are popular, before trying to cover it with some crap about being nice all the time.
Tip #1: NO ONE IS NICE ALL THE TIME UNLESS THEY WANT TO EAT YOUR LIVER!
In the grown-up world there are two ways to gain popularity: 1) through the use of charismatic persuasion, or 2) through earned respect.
The former is impressive and almost immediate, achieved through the projection of amiable personality traits, sharp oration and animated enthusiasm. Once again, motivational speakers rely on this. They will ply their audience with highly relatable scenarios to gain their sympathy ("Have you ever...", "Don't you hate it when...", or "You know you're Gen Y/X/Boomer when..."). Once they have you on side with their fucking obvious and uncontestable truisms ("Everyone here hates rape, am I right?") they can sell you their shit no problem. After all, who would argue with an anti-rapist? Yes, but I mean apart from rapists, obviously.
Earning respect is much, much harder. It means letting people get to know you and to constantly judge you by your actions. Of course, the Sex Detective never judges, he just moves straight onto the sentencing.
Friendship
Do you need friends to be happy? Probably. We're hard-wired to be social creatures. The reason we form societies is because groups tend to out-perform individuals. We get to share in the benefits of cooperative effort. Also, there's more pussy. But the concept of 'friendship' has become diluted by the advent of globalised communication, as if you can quantify it with numbers on Facebook instead of the quality of social bonds that really matter.
Here's an almost hilarious clip about making friends, even if it does reinforce the point I'm about to make.
Being liked actually requires you to first do something likeable, even if it's just baking a cake or listening to someone prattle on about shit (like reading this blog - thanks, by the way). Every social interaction is in fact a transaction. You and the other party are exchanging something, otherwise you wouldn't bother interacting at all. And make no mistake, everybody uses everybody - for reassurance, sympathy, sex, love, entertainment, spare organs, whatever. It's the balance of the exchange that defines the strength of the friendship.
The real key to friendship - genuine friendship, not just being polite to people you know - is commonality. It requires sharing similar beliefs in things that count, things that really matter to you as a person. Similar morality, values and standards. Cooperative friendships allow us to achieve things that would otherwise be very difficult: a sense of comraderie, someone to help us move house, someone to watch our back in a fight, and most importantly someone to tell us when we're being a dick.
ConclusionHappiness was never designed to be a constant state. It's a gratification your brain gets for doing something right now and again. Conversely, unhappiness is your mind's way of telling you something is wrong at the moment. The one exception to this occurs when you encounter someone who says they're happy all the time. In that case something is very, very wrong and you best back away slowly. They will eat your fucking liver, people.
If you want to really provoke a Sex Detective, try the following conversation with him.
"Tell me, SD, are you happy with your life?"
"Yeah, strange motivational speaker at my door, things are pretty sweet right now."
"Good, but are you really happy with where you are right now and where your life is heading, or would you like it moving somehwere else?"
"Ah, I see what you're saying. Let me ask you something."
"Okay."
"Are you happy with your teeth?"
"Wha- sure, I guess."
"Good, but are you really happy with where they are right now or would you like me to move them somewhere else, like the floor, maybe?"
"Um, I really have to be going..."
"Aw, c'mon, it'd make me happy, and isn't that why you knocked on my door in the first place?"
That's the other thing about happiness, it's really no-one else's business.
Tip #2: If you want to trick yourself into being happy for a bit just smile. I'm not being trite, your facial muscles and brain's happy centres are actually wired on a two-way connection, just like your senses. It's science, fools, look it up.
I'm not particularly pro or anti-religious. Not really. Sure, I have a few problems with the ignorant vitriol spouted by the religious right, but that applies to several religions, not just Christianity. Whether they're praying for bushfires to consume abortionists or flying planes into buildings, very little good comes from putting archaic doctrine before humans. I acknowledge religion as a historical force that has shaped our civilisation and contributed to many of the social norms we take for granted today. However, clinging onto concepts that have either been soundly disproven by hard science or made redundant by rational humanism does little to endear these various gods to modern people.
Fundamentalist Christianity has always intrigued me. I've visited their churches, had coffee in their homes, and watched them do their tongue-speaking, faith-healing, demon-exorcising performances in various circumstances. For the most part they seem to be good people. Sorry, I mean well-intentioned people. Like anyone, they want the best for their kin and to protect their families from harm. We all have coping mechanisms to help make the world seem safer, as if by defining the dangers therein somehow gives us power over them. Some folks cling to political authority, others to a god of some sort. The point is, we fear those we cannot control so we attribute values such as 'terrorist' or 'sinner' to them. These film trailers I found provide some examples of what some Christians seek to control.
Teen Pregnancy
Somehow this is still a spiritual and social issue in the 21st Century. While the rest of us have accepted that teenage, unmarried pregnancy is no less common or more distressing than headlice, some Christian film makers still think it's a huge moral dilemma.
Here's the problem inherent in the evils of pre-marital sex. In modern western culture there is absolutely no reason why pregnancy should be a punishment for sex. We've developed so many ways to help stop that from happening that you would have to be raised by Pentecostal wolves not to know how contraception works. Now I'm sure the characters in this heart-wrenching drama eventually get over their whining and guilt to come to a loving resolution (or a loveless marriage) with the help of some old book, but really, why are Christians dressed and acting like it's 1983?
Persecution Complex
This trailer is just insane.
From what I can tell it's about some Bizarro version of the US where Christianity is not by far the most prevalent faith in that country. The government is the enemy, political correctness is the facist ideology out to destroy the righteous, and some dude in surplus-store army camo is the secret police who tortures middle-class white kids for believing in God. This kind of scare-mongering not only agitates the nuttiest of religious right idiots, it's a direct insult to every religious minority who actually have been persecuted for their faith. They even bastardise quotes from Malcolm X. Malcolm fucking X! Just how ignorant do you have to be to quote a pioneer like him, a guy who was 1) not very middle-class and white at all, and 2) definitely and proudly not a Christian? If this were an ironic parody it would be in appalling taste, but unfortunately it's something even worse.
God Hates Bullies
City of Angels meets The Karate Kid. Or something.
This looks as awesome as it does baffling. Kid gets picked on for being an uncool Christian. Kid gets schooled by imaginary Japanese bushido types. Kid summons an army of angels. This film seems to be what you get when a revenge fantasy for 14 years olds gets written by 12 year olds. "And then he gets transported to samurai school where he masters all martial arts, and then he comes back to face the bully, and then a host of kick-ass looking angels appear, and then he gets superpowers as well."
I can't even begin to reconcile how a clearly Christian kid film can incorporate Japanese warrior ethos. Bushido has absolutely nothing to do with Jesus. Feudal Japan, samurai, ninjas, and (painfully caucasian looking) grandmasters have fuck all to do with the Abrahamic God. Shinto, maybe, but not Christianity. It would be like Thor teaching Muslim kids how to throw magic hammers at infidels.
But Also Loves Bullies?
Remember back in 1970 when you and the rest of your pre-pubescent pals could hang with some old dude down the street and no one called the cops?
For is it not written in the Book of Pussies that, "If your enemy takes a piece of your pizza, offer him two."
Fuck you, old man, I'm summoning a gang of Ninja Angels.
Fuck Knows?
Christian film makers produce art-house horror movies now? Who knew?
I dunno, maybe it's an attempt to appeal to Goths or something. Sure as hell looks depressing.
Science
Aaand here we go. A film that seeks to unify creationsim and evolution.
The trouble with the false argument that Science is somehow the enemy of Faith, is that one is that the latter is a doctrine while the former is a process. Science does not have all the answers - that's the whole point - but it is a fucking great way to ask the right questions. It is a system of continuous improvement based on observable facts, trial and error, and deduction. It doesn't rely on easy answers but pain-staking truths. Every human made thing within your current line of sight is a result of the scientific method - testing, experimentation, recording and documenting the results so they could be passed down and revised. The very process that so many faithers revile as a threat to their mythology is responsible for the quality of life they get to enjoy today. But the Bible is not a science book. It really isn't.
donnabarnes
Meet Donna Barnes. She's a Dating/Relationship/Life Coach and Television Expert. She's a Coach Expert thingy because she's had relationships before and also did some kinda coaching course through some Life Coaching Course place in New York.
As you can see by her picture, Donna is a pretty girl, even if she doesn't really understand how cleavage works. Her website tells you what TV shows she's an expert for, as well as promoting her coaching services and some book with a clumsy title.
What Donna has a lot of is advice. An entire eHow channel of the shit, where the complexities of adult relationships are broken down to minute-long answers. I'm talking really brief, which means she's incredibly good at her spiel, or this 'advice' is possibly a little simplistic. Let's find out.
Hmmm, sage advice. For retards. Not that the advice per se is retarded, just the obvious target audience. Actually, Donna, your advice on being in love sorta sounds a little like what I felt for my toy dog when I was five.
ysabellabrave
Meet Ysabella. She has a thing for nice guys. I think.
"Sometimes you have to let them know, because if you don't let us know, we won't know, okay?" Okay, Ysabella, there's a few things I want to let you know, but I'm too distracted by the wind chimes tied to your ears, not to mention the hilarious introductory story about you wearing celebrity sunglasses. Heh, stickers, too funny. Ysabella has her own channel, complete with a bizarrely self-indulgent, multi-portrait wall paper of her head stuck in a sock. Also, most of her clips there have that soft-focus, 1970's porn effect, like she's broadcasting from heaven.
Anyway, Ysabella is pro-nice guys, provided they're pro-Ysabella. I don't have to draw you a Venn diagram to show what a tiny demographic that would be.
askchauntel
Now meet Chauntel. She also has something to say about nice guys. Several things, in fact. But beware, viewers, the following has been post-edited with tile overlays and transition wipes.
Look I accept that what Chauntel had to say probably makes sense to a lot of intelligent women out there. Women want a guy who is protective but not controlling but in control. And a guy who is argumentative without fighting but with a backbone and who puts women in their place. Or whatever. To the rest of us simpletons her spiel is just dangerously confusing. WE HEAR YOUR WORDS, CHAUNTEL, BUT THEY BAFFLE US! WHAT IS IT YOU WANT? IS IT CAKE? SOMEBODY GET CHAUNTEL SOME CAKE!
askdrpaul
I was starting to think I just don't understand female advice, so let's get some from a male professional who holds a doctorate in Behavioral Psychology and a martini with grace.
As Hugh Hefner's decoy android, Dr Paul knows a lot about relationships. His 1957 approach to psychology makes life pretty fucking straight-forward. He concedes that people may be able to modify their behaviour (otherwise his PhD would be somewhat redundant) but that they can never change. Sure, thousands of rehabilitative and correctional services out there may disagree, but Paul is simply too drunk to care. In his world the best advice comes from an old dude wearing a dressing gown and getting shit-faced on a sofa, or in other words, your creepy uncle.
There are good reasons why the Sex Detective doesn't do vlogs. You've just watched four of them.
