How the fuck should I know? Seriously, folks, happiness is overrated or, more to the point, under-valued. Feeling good about stuff is unique to every individual on the planet. Some people feel happiness when they see a kitten. Others feel the same warm glow while feeding body parts into a chipper. Good luck finding a DIY personality book that covers both those scenarios. Instead, I will focus on some of the general concepts that popular culture tells us is important for a happy life.
Self-esteem
I tackle this one all the time in my real world life. Every time I do I feel like the evil parent telling his kids that Santa is no more real than God, or vice versa. But it has to be done. See, in the '90s there were a lot of amateur psychologists, motivational speakers and childrens' programmers who tried to sell the idea that self-esteem could be taught. It can't. Sure, you can listen to some stage-loving con artist for a couple of hours, buy into his bullshit and feel better about your life for a little while, but it won't take long to learn that those crystals and whale music CDs he sold you won't actually make you handle life with any more self-esteem than you had before. The only thing those self-help merchants are doing is improving their own self-esteem by making money out of your misery.
So, how do you elevate your self-esteem for free? Thanks to the 21st Century, help is only a few internet clicks and 3 minutes, 11 seconds away. Here, let Carolin Dalman of 'carolinlovecoach' tell you how.
See, all you have to do is treat your low self-esteem like a separate entity, an invisible...volleyball(?) if you will. Then you talk to the volleyball and throw it away. Or, if you're shaking hands with your girlfriend/boss, just send your low self-esteem on a trip to Fiji until the end of the year. That's her advice, free of charge, and worth every cent. Guranteed to work right up until the point where you realise that you're talking out loud about imaginary beach sports and metaphorical travel agents like these things will make you feel better about yourself.
Look, it's really quite simple: people don't find success by improving their self-esteem, they improve self-esteem by actually succeeding at something. Anything will do. Paying a bill on time for a change. Not pouring your savings into a poker machine. Refusing to cry after masturbation. They are all positive changes in behaviour that are reinforced by tangible achievement.
Confidence
Closley related to the above topic, confidence is the ability to act in a manner that pre-supposes your intent to succeed. If you're serious about increasing your confidence, but only have 3 minutes to spare, then Dr Jeanine Austin has the answer for you right here.
Uh-huh. Thanks, Jeanine. Oh, and I see that, according to the spiel associated with this clip, you're somehow qualified to coach us in the following:
- A Course in Miracles Coaching,
- Spiral Dynamics,
- Flow Authenticity,
- Metaphysics New Thought, and, of course,
- Positivie Psychology Psychology.
That's right, 'Positivie'. This list is far from exhaustive and in fact just gets more surreal as it goes on. But as far as building confidence goes, how better to do so than to walk into a wedding and ask "How may I be of service and extend my love?"
Okay, so confidence is a great thing. It is not, however, a substitute for actual competence. If you've read my shit before you would have learned about the Dunning-Kruger Effect - the inability by a person to recognise their own mediocrity in an area where they believe their actions to be exemplary. Confidence is important, but only where it is justified. I can walk into the gun range with all the confidence in the world but that doesn't mean I'll place a tightly grouped 10-ring result. Only competence through the practiced improvement of technique will get me that score. But, if I try substituting that by declaring an intent to extend my love and offering to service people, and all you'll get is a loud pervert with a gun and a lead slot on the evening news.
Popularity
For those who are concerned about how their culture see them, popularity is going to be the cornerstone of their happiness. But popularity doesn't just happen, does it? To learn more about how to be popularised, let's turn to...fuck, seriously? This bitch again? Okay, whatever...
"It's usually the really good people that are the most popular,"? Why not just spit in my face, you cuntfuck whore- Er, I mean, how many people right here right now remember how school popularity and personal morality were indivisible? Anybody? Hell, she even says herself that the tough girls are popular, before trying to cover it with some crap about being nice all the time.
Tip #1: NO ONE IS NICE ALL THE TIME UNLESS THEY WANT TO EAT YOUR LIVER!
In the grown-up world there are two ways to gain popularity: 1) through the use of charismatic persuasion, or 2) through earned respect.
The former is impressive and almost immediate, achieved through the projection of amiable personality traits, sharp oration and animated enthusiasm. Once again, motivational speakers rely on this. They will ply their audience with highly relatable scenarios to gain their sympathy ("Have you ever...", "Don't you hate it when...", or "You know you're Gen Y/X/Boomer when..."). Once they have you on side with their fucking obvious and uncontestable truisms ("Everyone here hates rape, am I right?") they can sell you their shit no problem. After all, who would argue with an anti-rapist? Yes, but I mean apart from rapists, obviously.
Earning respect is much, much harder. It means letting people get to know you and to constantly judge you by your actions. Of course, the Sex Detective never judges, he just moves straight onto the sentencing.
Friendship
Do you need friends to be happy? Probably. We're hard-wired to be social creatures. The reason we form societies is because groups tend to out-perform individuals. We get to share in the benefits of cooperative effort. Also, there's more pussy. But the concept of 'friendship' has become diluted by the advent of globalised communication, as if you can quantify it with numbers on Facebook instead of the quality of social bonds that really matter.
Here's an almost hilarious clip about making friends, even if it does reinforce the point I'm about to make.
Being liked actually requires you to first do something likeable, even if it's just baking a cake or listening to someone prattle on about shit (like reading this blog - thanks, by the way). Every social interaction is in fact a transaction. You and the other party are exchanging something, otherwise you wouldn't bother interacting at all. And make no mistake, everybody uses everybody - for reassurance, sympathy, sex, love, entertainment, spare organs, whatever. It's the balance of the exchange that defines the strength of the friendship.
The real key to friendship - genuine friendship, not just being polite to people you know - is commonality. It requires sharing similar beliefs in things that count, things that really matter to you as a person. Similar morality, values and standards. Cooperative friendships allow us to achieve things that would otherwise be very difficult: a sense of comraderie, someone to help us move house, someone to watch our back in a fight, and most importantly someone to tell us when we're being a dick.
ConclusionHappiness was never designed to be a constant state. It's a gratification your brain gets for doing something right now and again. Conversely, unhappiness is your mind's way of telling you something is wrong at the moment. The one exception to this occurs when you encounter someone who says they're happy all the time. In that case something is very, very wrong and you best back away slowly. They will eat your fucking liver, people.
If you want to really provoke a Sex Detective, try the following conversation with him.
"Tell me, SD, are you happy with your life?"That's the other thing about happiness, it's really no-one else's business.
"Yeah, strange motivational speaker at my door, things are pretty sweet right now."
"Good, but are you really happy with where you are right now and where your life is heading, or would you like it moving somehwere else?"
"Ah, I see what you're saying. Let me ask you something."
"Okay."
"Are you happy with your teeth?"
"Wha- sure, I guess."
"Good, but are you really happy with where they are right now or would you like me to move them somewhere else, like the floor, maybe?"
"Um, I really have to be going..."
"Aw, c'mon, it'd make me happy, and isn't that why you knocked on my door in the first place?"
Tip #2: If you want to trick yourself into being happy for a bit just smile. I'm not being trite, your facial muscles and brain's happy centres are actually wired on a two-way connection, just like your senses. It's science, fools, look it up.
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