Alright, true believers, I've given you a horrific insight into fundamentalist Hamas kids' shows, now let's see what those equally disturbing (but much less militant) Americans are cooking in their propoganda labs.
But first, a word from Stephanie.
I find it strange that a partially shaven wookie should be proselytizing about Jesus, but there you go.
Next up we have Doctor See who warns us about the dangers of television.
Gee, that gratuitously black puppet sure is pissed off, while the subtley Asian one sounds retarded. But the lesson is sound: don't watch television, kids, unless you want to die of horror.
Okay, time to cheer you up. With a cute kid and a funny clown.
Sorry, I mean a fucking annoying, precocious kid and a bi-polar clown. I love how at the beginning the mother - probably sick to death of little Gary droning on about how Jesus is way better than real people - adamantly refuses to accompany the kid as he skips off to talk to a transvestite puppet. "Okay, but I'll wait right here, Gary... because fucked if I'm getting within rape distance of that thing!" What follows is the fastest therapy session in the universe as the hideous talking doll finds love through Jesus and a 5 year old whose idea of praying is trying to make a wooden clown happy on the inside'. Last time someone offered to make me 'happy on the inside' I was behind bars awaiting bail.
In that previous post of mine you met children's heroes whose primary traits were martyrdom and a bloodthirst for Jews. Here we get to see fundamentalist zealotry of a converse nature: a grown man and friends who dress as superheroes to deliver the word of God with biblical quotes and laser swords. They don't fight Jews, I don't think, bit instead fight the personifications of certain unholy concepts like greed, jealousy, gossiping, online networking and, I dunno, fashion sense I guess.
Bibleman. Yep, he's a real kids' show, with collections of dvds available wherever religious insanity is sold. In this episode pair of zombie hands replace Zach's drinking water with a green, fluorescent liquid that, upon imbibing, turns the kid into... a whiney kid? Anyway, that's enough to force a cutscene to an aluminium trailer that can only be entered via a glowing mail box. This is the high tech command base for Bibleman, where actors talk over each other in between awkward pauses and change into gaily armoured Christian warriors.
Oh, and that bit where I said they don't hassle Jews...PSYKE! Check out this representation as created by the Bibleman writers:
Uh-huh. You can see that Bibleman is up against it, folks, subject to Christ-like persecution on the set of a low-budget Jerry Springeresque show hosted by Sammy Davey. Somehow the people who produce this shit-awful series thought that the perfect mockery of a New York Jew would be a cross between Mr Springer and Sammy Davis Jnr. Only, instead of hiring an actor amoral enough to naturally fit this profile, they put a clearly white guy in a curly wig and dark make-up. Classy move, you hate-mongering fucks.
Now we move onto meta-kids' shows, where tweens learn how to babysit younger children in just over 2 minutes.
I don't have to be a schizophrenic to know that hiring one shouldn't be your first choice to edit an instructional video on caring for the young. The transitions and cohesion in this clip remind me of my crippling crystal-meth addiction. Some kid wants shoes so she needs to make money. Fast. Luckily some sort of babysitting mentor - with a voice like testicles - is on hand to give her a crash course in unlicensed child-care. When not reading openly from her script, the mentor teaches her protege about funbags (insert humour here), games and mints. Then there's the buisness end of the deal: getting short-changed. "Yeah, this old biddy tried to bone me out of five bucks one time, but I just reminded her how easy it is for little Johnny to 'accidentally' choke on stuff, if you know what I mean?"
Yeah, about the choking hazard thing - twice we get told that little kids put everything in their mouths. To drive the point home here's a toddler we shoved a handful of change into before filming. Nice.
NB: If you simply adore random video insanity you must visit http://www.everythingisterrible.com/. Tell them some pervert in a hockey mask sent ya.
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