vs Beiberisms, Beliebers, Beiberology, Beiber Fever, and that fucking haircut!

Up until recently my interest in Gen Z pop culture was dispassionate to say the least.  That was until a faithful reader and friend (Thanks, Nicole, for putting me through this crap) asked why a 16 year old with a bowl haircut would release a bio-pic world-wide when the 'bio' part of that equation was only, well, 16 years old?  Anyone and everyone over the age of, say, 16, is probably asking the same question.  At least when Myley Cyrus tried that shit in '08 her extended concert film, she played both her personae, and the show was also packed with other equally repulsive yet popular artists (yes, Jonas Brothers, I haven't forgotten about you and your fucking gay purity rings) and followed years of television and music deals.  It wasn't trying to be the bio-pic of some girl who was childishly famous, even though she had done a lot more - media wise - in her short life by that stage.

But, here we are.  It's 2011 (and although by this time I was hoping to be writing this article from a rocket car) I dump the word 'Beiber' into the searchie and get this.

 I have watched this clip 23 times now and I still don't know what the fucking
movie can possibly be about, other than "I'm special, fuck the rest of you."

Sure, the trailer starts out cute enough: "My name is Justin, and this is how I bang my tiny hands on furniture."  But then it gets all dramatic with ridiculous title overlays...

Who?  Who the fuck said "It" would never happen?

"They?"  Give me a hint!  The Freemasons?  Illuminati?  Presbytarians?  It was those fucking Presby wankers, wasn't it?

Ah, at least I know that the "You" here refers to every girl born after Napster died.

It's not until halfway through we get to the meat of the plot.

So, out of 5 widescreen, titleboard statements I've conceded one as accurate (about this being a 'true' story), inferred that one might possibly reference his fan base, while the rest are either completely unsupportable claims or outright lies.  Justin may be a lot of things, but, no, he is certainly not an ORDINARY KID.

Take a look at the head-byte of some supposedly grown adult I can't be bothered googling - he's wearing a cap, that's all I know - at 00:35 seconds into the trailer.  And I quote: "He's 16 and he's doing it all on his own."

What the fucking fuck!?!  Beiber has done absolutely nothing on his own.  And I'm probably including masturbation.  His mum posted anything featuring him making singing noises on Youtube since the kid was 12.  Then a year later she pretty much sold him to this guy after consulting God.  From there Mr "he's doing it on his own" cap-wearer managed the boy and created a new label with Usher just to make Beiber an icon.  He became so much of an icon that Braun and Usher's label merged with Island records no problem to make this teenager an even bigger craze.  So, between Justin's mum, manager (Braun) and mentor (Usher) I can safely say the little shit achieved nothing alone.

But that won't be the film you'll see, because "young, adequately talented tween gets made over into a star by a savvy Jewish entrepreneur, an already famous black singer, his insanely religious white mother and millions in investment dollars" doesn't seem as satisfying.  Anyway, when you're selling a product swiped from Youtube all your marketing is done for you.  Yes, this part-biography/mainly extended concert clip only has one target audience, like I said.  Girls aged between crayon-eating and training bra.

Or so I thought.  See, I actually took on this case because that afore-mentioned reader of mine told me that adult women also want a piece of this kid.  No way, I thought, JB is just what fills a girl's life in between the Wiggles and menstruation, right?  Uh-uh.  Seems not.  And now I'm sick to my stomach at the thought of this...

 The Beiber gang sign, or just putting in an order for hookers, I dunno.

..pashing this:

Take a good look, people.  Look at his haircut.  Is that the haircut

of somebody that ANY adult woman should be pashing?

That's Steffi Landerer.  You know Steffi, she was in the German version of Idol recently.  And she's an actress too, maybe.  But mainly (as in for as long as it has taken you to read this) you know her as the 20 year-old who mouth-kissed a 16 year old pop star.

And here we have a shot of Justin at some clip-thing he did with 31 year old socialite/waste of fucking oxygen, Kim Kardashian.

You know, just frolicking in the surf and discussing cleavage with a bowl-cut

boy half her age.

I'm not even amazed that the industry is rushing to sexualise him for an older audience, I'm just horrified that he started hanging with full grown women while still in that absurd haircut. 

What's that?  He's remodelling his 'do?  Cool, let's take a look.

The New Look Beiber, now with less hair, lowered testicles and... dog tags?

Hey, do you know what Beiber looks like to me with this new look?  Really fucking ordinary, just like any other kid who chose a pair of scissors over constant beatings in the school yard.  His producers/managers/publicists/manicurists are in a pickle now (which is why they probably had to rush that 3D abortion of a film out asap) because nothing loses flavour like a boy star who's now old enough to be an actual sexual threat to his fan base.  I'm not saying he's about to wantonly rape little girls, I just mean that his natural, pubescent behaviour will inevitably confuse and upset little girls.

I'm not kidding:

That kid (who makes a lot of Youtube vids for young kids, by the way) is all of 8 years old and feels disappointed in Justin because he pashed a chick, but also sorry for him because his parents are divorced and he might be feeling sad.  Or something.  Trust me, kid, Justin might feel a lot of things, but sad would not be on that top ten list.  Also, little girl, you can [butterfly]kiss his ass goodbye within 12 months because you'll slide out of his new demographic (16-24 yo females/16-65 yo gay men) and there's no going back. 

See, when you're a tween heart-throb your fan-base buys all your shit because they harrass their parents to do so.  Parents will relent, but only on the basis that you're a relatively asexual, cutesy momma's boy who would rather but a girl a pony than finger her behind the bike shed.  The moment your haircut looks less like something you'd usually find on a Lego man, and you're kissing real-life women, those parents are going to start questioning the innocence of your appeal and stop creasing their credit cards for little Tammy's Justin posters/dolls/tickets/lollypops.

See, that's the irony. folks, the Beiber Bowl Cut was what made the guy acceptable to adults.

With that in mind, I now say that Never Say Never is really a bio-pic of sorts, one that covers the pre-pubescent peak of a young boy's career as portrayed by the people that built him from the ground up.  The rest of his life probably won't be worth documenting in theatres, though, because, hey, what's another teenage-focused star in today's market?

Ah, Justin,. you're nearly old enough to assault in a car park

without it being a crime against a minor.  Can hardly wait.