1. You Are The Rock Around Which Chaos Flows.
See, this is why we have wokplace norms.
The Problem: Shit happens all the time at work. There are variables that range from staff illness to unpredictable clients to impulsive bosses that heap all their bright new ideas on my desk and expect them to happen yesterday. An environment of tension and tears ensues. What's worse is that I'm cursed with being both empathetic and combative. When things are spinning out of control my instincts scream for me to jump in and start swinging, treating challenges like foes that need to be punched in the balls.
The Solution: Stress and duress are, in the workplace, factors that can be controlled more than you think. How you are seen to deal with high pressure and tight deadlines will have an impact on your team. In all matters appear calm and considerate without compromising assertiveness. Panic is contagious: it's a throwback to when we lived in packs and tribes, fighting and hunting side by side. A group can only be as confident as its leader. When emergencies or compounded stressors arise always remember that you get to choose how you face them. Will you allow yourself to be swept up in a tidal wave of chaos or will you decide to stand fast and let it flow past? And let's face it, unless you work at a nuclear missile silo, it's probably not the end of the world.
2. Always Respond, Never React.
The Problem: There's a whole lot of crap at work that can push my buttons - some of it incidental, some of it deliberate. What others tell me and how they tell me can make me upset or angry, especially when someone's playing the blame game or making unreasonable demands of me. If you're one of those pathetic types like me who often feel compelled to placate others and accommodate any and all requests, you're gonna drown in your own blood sooner or later.
The Solution: There's a lesson to be learned in martial arts that can readily apply to the work place: control is about responding, not reacting. Think about replies instead of using whatever emotional reflex you're experiencing at the moment. And never be afraid of buying time. People like me are not fast thinkers, instead we prefer to think things through and do a little research or fact-checking before giving an answer or reason. "I don't know, but I'll find out," is a common reply to use, as is "You may be right, but let me do some checking just to make sure". Folks hate that last one because it's tantamount to saying "I agree with you that you think you're right."
3. Make Them Sweat Now So They Don't Bleed Later.
The Problem: Teams will only do as much as they have to. We all do this because we're all subject to fluctuating motivation depending on our health, mental state, and a thousand external factors that make up our lives. We work only as hard as we can when we have to.
We all have busy days and slow days at work. The trick is to make those slow days as busy as possible. Why? Because you can't ever tell when a shit storm is going to hit. Too many slow days in a row make people complacent and lethargic. They're creatures of habit. They lose their edge and get soft, then wonder why they stress out when a clump of hard shit hits them in the face.
The Solution: If you're leading a team it's pretty much up to you to keep your team mates busy as much as possible, but make sure you share out tasks that are worthwhile and of tangible benefit to your work.
No more appointments for the day?
Here's a list of businesses to canvas. You take West side, I'll take East.
I've finished all my admin.
Cool, the boss wants 6 files audited, we'll go halves, eh?
Mind if I take an extended lunch?
No probs, but only if you bring me back the name and contact details of the restaurant manager for me to enter into the database. Also, grab me a danish.
4. Lead By Example.
Yeah, cos that worked out so well last time.
The Problem: I'm stomping around telling my peers to do this and do that and get their asses into gear and meet quotas. I'm even asking them to do stuff that I don't fully know how to do myself, because, dammit, that's how delegation works, right?
Yeah, sure thing, Mr Senior Douchebag.
The Solution: The reason you've been promoted is because you can work either harder or smarter than your peers. Or dirtier. When I last performed in a senior role it was at an emergency youth shelter. One day I walked in to learn that a toilet was blocked and, given the toilet paper/watermelon rind/lumps of feces nature of the blockage, none of the staff on shift were in a hurry to unblock it. They were waiting for me to waste $200 and 24 hours on authorising a plumber to solve the problem. Instead I told them to watch and learn as I donned rubber gloves and removed the waste myself. Ah, happy times.
The point is, you need to know exactly what's expected of your team and exactly how their job works so you can show by example how to fix a problem or use a handy short-cut. This is not the same as doing it for them - they have to watch you perform every step of the process in question and they sure as hell better be taking notes because next time they ask for your help in a similar circumstance your first and only reply will be "do it how I showed you last time."
5. Volunteer For Nothing
Not pictured: a quantifiable reward for your professional efforts.
The Problem: So, I'm new at my role and nervous and want to make a great impression on everyone, most of all the bosses. In lieu of experential competence I over-compensate with confidence instead and start contributing all kinds of exciting innovations, ideas and sub-projects. Before I know it I've volunteered to be on 7 committees, arranged 12 network groups that meet weekly, and promised to re-vamp the entire filing system by Thursday using some half-assed freeware I saw on the internet. Also, it's now Wednesday.
The Solution: Shut your fucking mouth and put your hand down, green-meat. Seriously, you already have a job spec, why add to it unnecessarily? At least become extremely good and comfortable in your new role before taking on extra work. Leave all that political, strategic and logistic crap for middle management. They will come up with more than enough additional duties for you every week without you jumping up and down screaming "Pick me! Pick me!"
However, avoiding additional duties does not mean being an outright douche to your employers (they get just as hurt as anyone else when you reject them with the word 'no'). It just means showing them that anything considered above the call of duty will require negotiation and committment on their part. And they hate that shit.
Boss: I need a senior who can compile a 10,000 word report for me for an upcoming tender by the end of the week.
Senior Asstaster: Sure thing, boss, I can get on it straight away!
Senior Bonerking: I have all the data, resources and templates necessary to meet that request. As soon as you authorise the 8 hours of overtime required for me to complete the task I can guarantee I'll make the deadline.
Boss: Hmmm, I think Asstaster would be the
NB: Also be wary of team mates who are prone to conspicuous altrusim - those self-appointed martyrs who readily take on extra work then bravely and persistently mention how much additional, unpaid time they're devoting to the company. We see right through your bullshit, try-hard, and so do the bosses. You might as well wear a great big "Please Exploit Me!" sign on your ass. The thing is, you run the risk of setting up artificially high benchmarks for yourself as well as being alienated and resented by your peers.
