SD vs 6 questions men fear.

As I've mentioned before, brethren, women always out-think us man folk by being able to process and compile thoughts on multiple levels at once.  In the time it takes us to formulate and express a desire like "I want a sandwich" they have already mentally computed the following:

1. Physical properties (the estimated caloric intake of the sandwich)
2. Philosophical discourse (what is a sandwich really and is it metaphorical of other desires?)
3. Social implications (will this sandwich make me appear greedy or simply display my healthy appetite?)
4. Emotional importance (does this food meet the comfort I seek in a food relationship?)
5. Self-image issues (will eating the sandwich be a tidy affair or will I risk looking silly?)

And that's only part of it, I'm sure.  Today I'm going to share some of my experience with the smarter sex thanks to my colourful and checkered history with various women.  This will take the form of actual questions I have been asked during relationships.  You will recognise some of these questions and know that upon hearing them a very primal, instinctive part of your brain - the part that manages self-preservation - automatically starts screaming "It's a trap!  Run!"

In each scenario I will furnish you with examples of the incorrect answer, the compliant answer, and the Sex Detective answer which will guarantee you never get asked that same question again.

Question 1:

Do you want to come with me to see my parents on the weekend?

Incorrect answer: "No way, I'd rather have you hate me for not doing important things with you."
Compliant Answer: "Yes, of course, dear!"
Sex Detective Answer: "Hell yeah, I've gotta few things I want to say to those meddling, back-stabbing fucks.  Great idea, honey, I'll get the car!"


Question 2

Do you think that my friend/cousin/sister is good looking?

Incorrect answer: "Sure, she is very attractive."
Compliant answer: "Dunno, doesn't really do anything for me."
SD answer: "Why, do you want to fuck her?  Do you want me to fuck her?"

Question 3

Does this [whatever she's wearing, like it matters] make my ass look big?

Incorrect answer: "(pause)... no?"
Compliant answer: "No!"
SD answer: "No!  Not nearly enough!  Change immediately into something worthy of that magnificent and majestic booty!"

Question 4

If we wanted a threesome with one of my friends who would you choose?

I'm not kidding, I've been asked that twice in two different relationships.

Incorrect answer: "Hmm, maybe Denise, she's got a rocking ass, or, no, Melissa because of those perky tits..."
Compliant answer: "I do not want a threesome with anyone, honey, too many things could go wrong emotionally."
SD Answer: "Look, babe, this is a very serious question that requires due consideration.  Tell you what, give me a list of relevant friends and I'll fuck-test them then get back to you with the results.  I mean, if you want a threesome with any of them then you clearly don't mind me fucking all of them anyway, right?"

Question 5

What are you thinking?

This one shits me to tears every time.  Because women think all the time they simply assume that guys do too, but the truth is we can go minutes on end without conscious thought, like switching a computer to standby mode.  That wistful, distant look in our eyes?  Means we're literally thinking nothing, ladies, because thinking tires us out.

Incorrect answer: "Nothing."  Don't ever say this, you'll just provoke a deluge of follow up questions that will confuse and frustrate you.
Compliant answer: "I was thinking about how lucky I am to have you in my life, and how much I appreciate you and the interest you take in me."  It might be difficult to hold back the bile, and the reply sounds corny as hell, but trust me she will either fall for it or laugh it off.
SD: answer: "Really?  You really want to know what sort of crazy shit passes through my head?  Okay, just before you asked the most boring question in the world I was wondering what baby orangutan tastes like.  Then, when those words passed your lips my immediate thought was 'none of your fucking business, my thoughts are the one part of me that are sacrasanct, and if they bore any importance to you I would turn them into words for you to hear.'

Question 6

Is there something you want to tell me?

Yep, you're fucked.  Whatever it is you did wrong she either knows about it or, thanks to her inborn telepathy, suspects it.  The safety catch is off, but she's giving you the chance to pull the trigger yourself.

Incorrect answer: "No, nothing springs to mind.  Nothing at all, especially nothing to do with a bottle of tequila and your best friend last Saturday."
Compliant answer: "Yes, there is [insert your highly embellished version of events]."
SD answer:  "You have got to be fucking kidding me, right?  If I wanted to tell you something you would already know about it.  If I didn't then there is no way you would know about it.  See how this works?  You either have all the proof you need and hence this talk is nothing but a trap, or: you need to present me with a specific accusation or concern, and then I argue against it accordingly.  It's called a discussion, and it's what grown ups do instead of vaguely asking for a spontaneous confession regarding unclarified matters."

Now, sure, my answers won't get you out of trouble, but they will transform the whole dynamic of the exchange.  Women tend to think more than we do - just compare the number of female status updates to male ones on Facebook.  Chicks leak their thoughts all the time like a flood-gate.  But thinking more actually means thinking less efficiently: you statistically come up with more assertions, but you also come up with more corresponding doubts.  When you're a complicated thinker then even the simplest of problems suddenly become complicated in your mind, because complications are your speciality.  I'm frequently asked by women to interpret messages from men, messages that are obviously simple to my man brain, but because I'm trained to switch between simplicity and complexity in terms of cognition (Psychology training = complex, Investigative training = simple), I can put it in terms they understand.

And that's why I am the goddamn Sex Detective.I'm surprised this cliche still comes up but it does.  I mean, she's asking for fashion advice from the one man in her life she knows for sure isn't gay, so why would he be considered a reliable judge?Women are highly competitive on many levels, and compare themselves to other women all the time when they feel insecure.  Like all female questions this is a test, not a general survey.This is a classically mistaken enquiry because it is really statement and not a question at all.  What she is saying is: "You do want to come with me to see my parents on the weekend."  You'll find that women often phrase statements of compliance as questions to give the illusion of choice, but that's only to be courteous.

Sex Detective vs Love & Marriage

Love isn't usually my imaginary domain as a pretend detective, I tend to leave that to professors, poets and pussies, but you don't investigate as many relationship issues as I do without picking up a few ideas on the whole romance thingy.  Personally I eschew romance on the basis that it wastes valuable fucking time, but alot of you out there seem to get something out of it, so I'll tell you what this hard-boiled, street savvy sonovabitch knows.

Love - the type that's actually interesting, not all that unconditional shit you have with kids and pets (boring!) - generally progresses through three fundamental phases.

1. Infatuation
Yep, the whole crush n' lust phase.  You meet someone attractive, your eyes lock, you both smile and idiocy ensues.  The woman/man of your dreams is also attracted to you!  Great, you (probably) think, that'll let me spent money on chocolates, flowers and grown-up restaurants instead of duct tape, illegal prescriptions and basement sound-proofing.  You get all goofy and nervous around each other, check your phone every 5 minutes whenever you're apart, and start acting annoyingly chipper around your friends and colleagues.  You also have sex.  A lot of it.  More than you ever will later in the relationship.  Entire weekends are spent boning and ignoring the chafing so you can bone some more.  Well done, you've just turned your life into a Disney/porn hybrid of romance.

A,k.a the fun, clumsy bit.

2. Bonding
So, 3-6 months have passed and you guys are settling into a routine.  You've met each other's families and friends, and you're now universally accepted as a 'couple'.  Those initial buzzes you felt around each other are waning, and instead are replaced by an expectation of reliability and cohesion.  You start to share emotional information not just about your past but also about your mutual future.  You'll spend more time but less sex together because you're learning to accept each other as comprehensive people (including each other's flaws, habits, traits and dreams).  Sooner or later you'll move in together just to kick it to the next level.  Co-operation becomes a priority and co-dependence creeps in.

3. Familiarity
After a few years you'll realise that your identities have merged.  You've learned everything about the other pseron that you ever will for now, so it's a case of living and working together as one.  You can happily leave the toilet door open while conversing with your partner.  You may also have a couple of kids kicking around.  The whole of your relationship is now greater than the sum of its parts.  Congratulations, you are now your parents, the circle is complete.

Exceptions to the rule
It doesn't work like this for everyone, of course, and it doesn't always run the full course.  Some couples start off as platonic friends and hence bypass the whole silly infatuation phase because they've already bonded on a deeper level that would make dating ironically hilarious.  Funnily enough, although in the minority, these often prove to be the most successful relationships of all.  You have already bonded emotionally and socially, you already know all about each other, and you already trust each other because you're friends.  It's also the difference between loving someone because they're beautiful, and them becoming beautiful because you have learned to love them.  I've only come across a couple of instances where this has occurred (big shout out to Shaz and Stu, by the way) but it's fantastic to see and often explains why second marriages work so well. 

Other couples have trouble transitioning from bonding to familiarity because being familiar with a partner means tolerating every little annoyance all the time.  You put any two adults in the same house for a few years and irritability is inevitable.  Some people just can't hack that, and after a drawn out campaign of idiosynchrocratic attrition one or the other decides that splitting up is healthier than fighting homicidal urges.  Living together is not the same as growing together, and learning to do the latter synergistically is what makes all the difference.

Marriage
We are only ever as good as the promises we make, which is why I rarely used the P-word.  In my culture an oath carries mucho weight, and breaking an oath carries harsh consequences in terms of social status.  That's also why I belive that marriage as an institution is a noble decision.  Look, before you get all "What?  The Sex Detective is pro-archaic ritual/religious dogma?" just shut your fucking holes for a second and hear me out.  In the 21st Century of Western society you can take or leave marriage as you wish.  No one's forcing people to get hitched.  Hell, most of you are pro-marriage anyway because you support that right to be afforded to deserving gay couples, right?  All I'm saying is that I think it's a pity that sometimes people decide to get married for stupid reasons like keeping their families and/or gods happy instead of doing it to publically declare their intrinsically motivated long-term committment for each other.

Goddammit, Japan, I was trying to make a serious point here.

Rant: Hell, I've known some girls who get more excited and obsessed about the wedding than the actual marriage.  Fuck you, princess, if you're going to burst into tears because the flowers don't match the table cloths on your wedding day then chances are you don't deserve the man patient enough to put up with your spolit brat attitude anyway.

Every serious decision we make in life is a test of our true character.  If you decide to get married then make damn sure that you understand one fundamental truth: marriage serves to celebrate committment, not reinforce it.  Signing that piece of paper won't magically make you a better couple, only you can do that.  Ever since 'no fault' divorce laws came into effect, that piece of paper can be thrown in the bin at any time for any reason that constitutes irreconcilable differences.  So give it some serious fucking thought, people, instead of day-dreaming about white picket fences and and a 'set and forget' lifestyle, because when you finish walking down that aisle the real work is just beginning.

The secret is to kieep it fresh by not wearing anything under your blankets.

Sex Detective vs Shitty Sex Ed

I remember being in primary school and having my class ushered into the library to meet two important visitors.  This couple were sex educators, there to explain how our bodies work when puberty hits and what horrific changes to expect.  The session was pretty detailed, covering intercourse, menstruation, primary and secondary sexual characteristics, masturbation and so on.  We eagerly lapped up this knowledge, even if some of it left us a little confused and revolted.  Personally I was disappointed to find that calling someone a 'homo-sapien' wasn't a phobic insult at all, but that boobs sounded like a capital idea for girls.  Then came question time and one of my female classmates asked:  "How do you do a hedgehog?"

There was an awkward pause before the male educator cleared his throat and replied, "I think you mean 'head job'.  Does anyone know the answer?"  Thankfully he wasn't stupid enough to give us any chance to respond, delving immediately instead into a basic 'penis in mouth' definition.  Then came the whole birth control and diseases bit, at which point most of us decided that no matter how much our 12 yo pants were tingling, sex was a life sentence or death sentence, so fuck that idea to hell.

Nowadays the digital age allows kids of all ages to learn all about sex via simple entries into a searchie.  If you think kids won't do this then you are suffering blunt trauma and forgotten the first thing you did when you got online.  I figured some real research was in order on this topic so I hit Youtube and entered 'sex ed'.



Yep, one of the top results is a creepy guy in a playground seranading about which parts of your body he intends to touch.  Accurate terminology is important for child molesters so as to avoid confusion in the back of the van.  And a mere 20 seconds into this musical glossary of violation we get this strange snippet of a no-less-creepy dude clarifying what girls have down below.

Oh look, a cunt telling me about vaginas, how poetic.

The Problem

Sex ed is one of those things you needs to explain to kids before they're old enough to do it.  Unfortunately it requires a level of explicit detail not usually associated with conditionally prohibited behaviour.  When we teach kids that serial killing is wrong we don't usually throw in a biology lesson about lethal lacerations and gunshot wounds.  We certainly don't let them role-play the responsibility associated with it the by giving them murdered dolls to bury under their house for a week.

But Sex Ed - being so much lamer that Murder Ed - involves a fuckton of information: biological, social, and legal at least.  That's not including any religious crap thrown in too.

Eeew!  Whenever you make a biological function a moral controversy you automatically generate ignorance.  Hooray for this evangelist reciting the very day and minute he first fucked his wife.  It's hip to shock kids with the image of you flopping clumsily atop some poor woman for 30 seconds, I'm sure.  But tell me, Pastor Ainsworth, can your holy powers of eidetic recall tell us where and when you first masturbated?  That's the only question I'd throw at him after his creepy boasting, because I already know that fundamentalists fucking hate that line of inquiry.  They either lie outright with denial, or make some clearly insane statement about wanking without actually thinking about sex.  Do you know how many healthy, 20 year old men have never masturbated?  Of course you do, because 'zero' is always the easiest number to remember.

It's like parents who excuse their kids from sex ed for religious reasons.  "You don't need to know about it until your wedding night."  Denying sex is like denying pretty much everything else in the world: it doesn't make you a better person, just a dumber one.  Sexual morality is like lying in that regard, it's not about the act itself, it's about the circumstances and motivations behind it that mess with your conscience.


The Solution
Oh, and just one simple thing: pedophilia, rape and indecent assault are not sex, they're violent crimes of power abuse - the same way that hugging someone is not the same as strangling them.  Pretty much the opposite of the true act itself.  Do not confuse the two.  I mention this because it should be THE FIRST THING WE TEACH KIDS when talking about the social aspects of sex and sexuality.  Biology does not translate into morality.  Our bodily functions are all tools that we use within context, and it's the context part that should be explained as clearly as possible.

Yes, sex as a concept is scary and exciting for kids.  Even when laboriously explained using charts, diagrams and dolls it's still confusing as hell, especially when you're then told by pastors and over-protective parents that it's taboo.  I guess I was lucky, growing up in a rural area, because you couldn't look out the back door without seeing animals fucking each other, so the baby making process was pretty straight forward.  What I didn't know is that with humans sex is employed for many reasons other than procreation.  Sometimes it's for relief, sometimes for self-esteem, sometimes for loneliness, sometimes for money or other rewards.  Some even do it for love-based bonding.  But the fact is that the vast majority of people between puberty and decrepit age can and will have sex.  Our eyes are used to see, our ears to hear, our hands to hold things, and our junk to do the nasty.  That is how the world works, and has done so for a very long time.

Sex is the legally aged, consensual act of mutual, physical gratification between two humans (or more in some cases).  It is not masturbation (no issue of consent), it is not violence or exploitation (non-consensual) and it is not a source of shame.  Do not worry about sex ed encouraging kids to have sex.  Trust me, adolescents do not need additional encouragement, it's already hardwired into their hormones.  What you do instead is ensure harm minimisation and risk management.  Teach them birth control if you don't want to become a grand parent right now.  Teach them venereal protection if you want them to be healthy.  Teach them about consent: explain what sexual and indecent assault is, describe what constitutes date-rape and the diminished capacity inherent in intoxication.  If you want kids to act responsibly (and despite the media and religious scare-mongering, most kids want to be good people too) then you need to give them all the information, not just the bits that suit your agenda, because they will find out the rest from less reliable sources anyway.

Most of all, parents, teachers and similar role modelling adults need to educate themselves.  Think just because you're a parent that you know it all?  Bullshit, you just know how to have sex, not teach it.  Learn then teach, that's the only way it works, fools.

And now I'll leave you with a classic example of what happens when you let religious morality interfere with biology.  Heed the words of Dan Savage here.