Oh no, not more bullshit relationship advice?

Yep, you're darn fucking right there is.  This is where I steal genuine relationship/sex questions published on other sites, readdress them to me, then answer them with the full disclosure that I'm an uneducated freak in a hockey mask with a bicycle light around his neck, yet my answers are guaranteed to solve these problems.  One way or another.

The great thing about relationship and dating advice is that it's all ridiculously subjective. So called experts - psychologists, counsellors, sex detectives and mainly Dr Phil - are full of shit. It's such a personal topic that too much personal bias leaks out from the adviser, usually based on their own last failure to meaningfuly connect with another shaven ape. With that in mind, let's explore why it's so hard to get this shit right.
1. Dear Detective,

I just got my ass dumped by the girl of my dreams. How do I deal?

There's only two words that can address heart-break, good sir: beer and boobies. And be smart about this, I mean getting drunk at a titty bar, preferably with single mates who are just as piss weak at holding down a girlfriend (figuratively). Sure, you might feel bad about yourself the next day for wasting cash on boobs you can't actually touch, but you already hate yourself so what do you have to lose? Also, get really jealous and obssessive about the girl that booted your sorry butt to the curb, and incessantly whine about her to your friends for the next 6 months. After the cops have enforced her restraining order, her new boyfriend has kicked your ass, and your buddies have stopped returning your mewling voice mails, you'll realise that back when you initially got dumped things weren't so bad.

2. Attention: SD,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 years and I keep waiting for him to pop the question. He keeps avoiding the subject of marriage, or saying that he wants us to be more financially stable before talking about it. How long do I wait?

Jeez, lady, I'd say about negative 7 or 8 years. The "let's wait until we're rich and successful" excuse is mucho lamo because it's contrary to the way things really work. Marriage and family-making is one of the most powerful incentives to get your shit together. Commitment to another person naturally promotes commitment to building a better life in general. Until then he's using the prospective outcome as the reason not to start the process in the first place.  If your life goal really is marriage then you have two choices: change your life goal, or; set a date and hope he rocks up with a ring.

3. Sex Det,

My boyfriend and I broke up a little while ago (6 months), but I really miss him and want to get back together. Rather than beg after him, though, I've striven to improve my life, health and happiness. Once he sees how far I've come will he regret leaving and want me back?

Fuck, no! By becoming a supposedly better person then flaunting it in his face, the most you're gonna do is assuage his guilt (if any) for dropping you like the needy little girl that you are. He'll be thinking, "Phew, she's obviously doing much better without me, I made the right decision all along, good for me." Have a good look at his life now. If he's hooked up with another girl, then you're history unless she turns out to be worse than you were. If he's happily single, and hasn't even bothered to drunk dial you for a booty call since you guys split, then you must have really fucked him up anyway.

4. Please help,

My boyfriend's penis smells really bad. I've tried hinting that he should clean it more often and even wash it for him when we shower together, but no luck. How do I get it to stop smelling?? It's a turn off.   - Gag.

Holy fuck, I don't know what's worse: the fact that published this on a public domain, or that your log-in name is... wait for it... 'Gag'.  Clearly the human penis is not normally meant to smell like an exotic and expensive French cheese - unless you're French, of course, because nothing would surprise me with you fuckers.  Secondly, your log-in name tells me that despite being coated in a patina of fermented smegma, you still put that disgusting thing in your mouth!  The irony is that while you're complaining to the world about your fella's zombie-dick, he's whinging to his mates about your horrible, cheesy breath.  See, how this is becoming a vicious cycle?

Look, there's a mutually convenient solution to all this.  Get yourself some heavy-duty, alcohol based mouth wash then take and hold a mouthful next time he wants some sucky-sucky.  Within a few minutes, after he's shoved his inflamed member into a bucket of cold water, and is talking to you again, he will get the message, while you will still have minty fresh breath.  Win-win.

Now in bleach flavour!

5. Please, Mr Sex Detective,

I recently broke up with my ex-bf for cheating on me but he continues to text/call me even though he is with a new girl. When i post a status on FB about guys I like, he texts me and cusses me out. Why is he doing this?

This boy is still hounding you despite having his ass dumped and grabbing another missus because, well, he's a bit of a dick.  Sure, he's got a new girl, but she's what we technically call a 'place-holder', you know, someone to kill time and sex with while chasing what he really wants - your booty again.  Boys that are like this (and make no mistake, this is spoilt boy behaviour, regardless of age) want to have their pie and eat it too.  See, there's this delusion that a boy goes through where he believes he was the best thing to ever happen to you sexually and hence he can't handle the fact that you're moving on to other guys.  Luckily most of us grow out of this ridiculous mind-set by the age of 25.

Those FB updates cut him deep, only he knows he can't comment there because he's officially with a new girlfriend.  Therefore he sends you moany little bitch texts instead.  You rightfully dumped his ass for cheating and his precious little boy ego can't handle it.  To him you're like a favourite pet that suddenly learned how to drive a car and make its own food, cutting him out of the equation of dependence.

Now, a more responsible and morally forthright consultant would advise you delete him off FB, change your number etc.  But I'm the goddamn Sex Detective and a real cunt.  If he gets nastier about this situation (and he will, little boys can't fucking help themselves) then you need to remember that you have a whole archive of time-stamped texts with which to shame him.  He's the one paying you jealous electronic attention while he's in a relationship.  A court might not consider that cheating, but his current girlfriend sure as hell will.

Well, that's it for this round of bullshit advice.  Take care out there in lover-land and always remember: you can play nice, or you can win, the choice is yours.

Sex Detective vs V-Day tokens of love

Yep, less that a week to go until that stupid, commercially created day where couples unironically celebrate their love, and single people dream stalky dreams about someone who probably doesn't give a fuck about them.

I know there are plenty of hopeless romantics out there, but most of you are only hopeless in the sense that you don't stand a fucking chance of scoring that dream date. Seriously, dude, you need to lower the bar and take what you can get.

I'm not much of a romantic myself, too many years bringing justice and heart-break to the imaginary mean streets of the internet, I guess.  Too jaded, too tainted and too damn ugly to care.  Still, even I know the difference between acceptable tryst tokens and crap that is more likely to provoke a restraining order than reciprocated love.
 
That being said, here's what a 5 minute random search turned up as Valentine's Day cards and gifts from people who might as well give up now.
 
Cards
 

There's weak, piss weak, and then this.  Seriously, how would you react to something this nothing?  If it was from your lover you'd ask him for photo ID because he obviously lied about his age.  If it was from a secret admirer you would go out of your way not to discover his identity.  And what the hell is romantic about nuclear warheads?  It's more like something light-hearted terrorists would send each other.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Some folks like to combine sentimentality with nostalgia and send an old timey card from their grandparents' era.  Which is fine if you find something corny and fruit-related like this.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

But not so fucking cool if you opt for this instead.  Boy, those Chinese sure did like to say "EE" on the end of their verbs a alot, apparently.  But the first phrase ("not big valentine") implies that this actually some sort of half-arsed sentiment, as if it really says "I'm not big on cards, but here's one anyway, hope you're as rascist as I am."
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Don't even know what this is meant to be - some sort of pinky blob monster with a couple of empty shoes in front.  Did it just eat the shoe owner?  Is it depressed because it can't wear shoes?  Maybe it's a disembodied brain creature covered in heart shaped tumours?  No matter how you look at this thing it's as sad as fuck.
 
 
 
 
 

Yes, the bottom line in brackets does read "me luv u long time" (cringe) because apparently now the Vietnam War movie era of the '80s is far enough removed to make the poverty-driven prostitution industry of 1970's Vietnam cause for hilarity.  As opposed to, you know, highly offensive racial slurs.  Well done.
 
 
 
 
 
Gifts for her 
Man, if I had a dollar for every time a mate has asked "What should I get her for Valentine's Day?" I'd be slightly better off than I am now, that's for sure.  It's really simple guys - flowers, dinner and/or professional massage, then home for cunnilingus.  V-day is about creating a romantic experience, not material objects per se. You may want to chew a lot of gum over the next few days, though, to build up some jaw endurance if you get my drift.  If you insist on a gift instead, here's some to avoid. 

What a fucking miserable piece of shit.  People who give stuffed animal toys to adults as Valentine's gifts really worry me.  Adults who enjoy receiving them worry me even more.  If your boyfriend surprises you on V-day with something like this then it's actually an ill-conceived ransom payment to get his testicles back from your purse.  I wouldn't give that depressing pile of pink plush to a comatose kid in the cancer ward, let alone someone I hoped to one day have sex with.
 
 
 
 
 

Fucking-A!  Disco boobies!  Realistically, though, any woman who isn't secretly a man is probably going to react a little poorly if this is your idea of lingerie.  Look, it's never a good idea to dress your love up as Lady Ga-Ga, okay, because subconsciously you'll start checking her for a penis.  Admittedly I'm saying that because I don't like her (I'm a Pink man through and through), but I'm just saying.
 
 
 
 
 
 

How happy does that chick look now that she's received a portable stripper pole from her beloved?  And she's already hot!  Just think how flattered your statistically plain significant other will be when you use 3 tubes of aluminium and an instructional dvd to tell her, "Honey, after all these years I still think you're sexy enough to be a stripper!  Start shaking that booty and I'll shove $5 bills down your pants like in that place I usually get drunk at every Thursday night in order to get horny enough to shag you."
The best thing about stripper poles is that they're a great way to lose weight and dignity at the same time.  Personally, though, I'd ditch the poles and just wank off to the dvd.

Are you fucking insane?  A man never buys a woman exercise equipment, even if they beg him to, and certainly never something as lame as a Thigh Master.  Apart from the danger inherent in any spring-loaded device, this piece of crap should be renamed the Divorce Master, because you'll always remember the day she opened this present and started crying.





Gifts for him
Personally I don't agree that guys should receive anything for V-day, other than a well-deserved gobby.  V-day is a girlie day, but if your woman insists on getting all 'equality consumerism' in your face at least explain that some gift ideas are worse than others.

Sorry, ladies, but anything in a basket is pretty lame for a guy, unless it's a basket of handjob vouchers and beer.  A basket of toiletries is even worse, because we actomatically assume you're telling us to smell like a girl.  And anyway, anything more than a roll of deordorant or a splash of aftershave will mess with our musky pheromones, and you definitely don't want that.

Hmmm, gadgets aren't really V-day material, they're more of a birthday/Christmas thing.  You want something that represents passion, like a gun or an engraved knife or some classic porn with his voice dubbed over the male roles.

I appreciate that some girls really dig their artsy-crafty side, and assume that it's a fantastic labour of love to create a visual homage to the love of their life.  I've received a couple of these in my time, and it creeped me the fuck out.  I don't mind the occasional token craft gift, but an entire bio-pictorial of my relationship reminded me too much of family albums, only with a lot more tongue.

SD vs 6 questions men fear.

As I've mentioned before, brethren, women always out-think us man folk by being able to process and compile thoughts on multiple levels at once.  In the time it takes us to formulate and express a desire like "I want a sandwich" they have already mentally computed the following:

1. Physical properties (the estimated caloric intake of the sandwich)
2. Philosophical discourse (what is a sandwich really and is it metaphorical of other desires?)
3. Social implications (will this sandwich make me appear greedy or simply display my healthy appetite?)
4. Emotional importance (does this food meet the comfort I seek in a food relationship?)
5. Self-image issues (will eating the sandwich be a tidy affair or will I risk looking silly?)

And that's only part of it, I'm sure.  Today I'm going to share some of my experience with the smarter sex thanks to my colourful and checkered history with various women.  This will take the form of actual questions I have been asked during relationships.  You will recognise some of these questions and know that upon hearing them a very primal, instinctive part of your brain - the part that manages self-preservation - automatically starts screaming "It's a trap!  Run!"

In each scenario I will furnish you with examples of the incorrect answer, the compliant answer, and the Sex Detective answer which will guarantee you never get asked that same question again.

Question 1:

Do you want to come with me to see my parents on the weekend?

Incorrect answer: "No way, I'd rather have you hate me for not doing important things with you."
Compliant Answer: "Yes, of course, dear!"
Sex Detective Answer: "Hell yeah, I've gotta few things I want to say to those meddling, back-stabbing fucks.  Great idea, honey, I'll get the car!"


Question 2

Do you think that my friend/cousin/sister is good looking?

Incorrect answer: "Sure, she is very attractive."
Compliant answer: "Dunno, doesn't really do anything for me."
SD answer: "Why, do you want to fuck her?  Do you want me to fuck her?"

Question 3

Does this [whatever she's wearing, like it matters] make my ass look big?

Incorrect answer: "(pause)... no?"
Compliant answer: "No!"
SD answer: "No!  Not nearly enough!  Change immediately into something worthy of that magnificent and majestic booty!"

Question 4

If we wanted a threesome with one of my friends who would you choose?

I'm not kidding, I've been asked that twice in two different relationships.

Incorrect answer: "Hmm, maybe Denise, she's got a rocking ass, or, no, Melissa because of those perky tits..."
Compliant answer: "I do not want a threesome with anyone, honey, too many things could go wrong emotionally."
SD Answer: "Look, babe, this is a very serious question that requires due consideration.  Tell you what, give me a list of relevant friends and I'll fuck-test them then get back to you with the results.  I mean, if you want a threesome with any of them then you clearly don't mind me fucking all of them anyway, right?"

Question 5

What are you thinking?

This one shits me to tears every time.  Because women think all the time they simply assume that guys do too, but the truth is we can go minutes on end without conscious thought, like switching a computer to standby mode.  That wistful, distant look in our eyes?  Means we're literally thinking nothing, ladies, because thinking tires us out.

Incorrect answer: "Nothing."  Don't ever say this, you'll just provoke a deluge of follow up questions that will confuse and frustrate you.
Compliant answer: "I was thinking about how lucky I am to have you in my life, and how much I appreciate you and the interest you take in me."  It might be difficult to hold back the bile, and the reply sounds corny as hell, but trust me she will either fall for it or laugh it off.
SD: answer: "Really?  You really want to know what sort of crazy shit passes through my head?  Okay, just before you asked the most boring question in the world I was wondering what baby orangutan tastes like.  Then, when those words passed your lips my immediate thought was 'none of your fucking business, my thoughts are the one part of me that are sacrasanct, and if they bore any importance to you I would turn them into words for you to hear.'

Question 6

Is there something you want to tell me?

Yep, you're fucked.  Whatever it is you did wrong she either knows about it or, thanks to her inborn telepathy, suspects it.  The safety catch is off, but she's giving you the chance to pull the trigger yourself.

Incorrect answer: "No, nothing springs to mind.  Nothing at all, especially nothing to do with a bottle of tequila and your best friend last Saturday."
Compliant answer: "Yes, there is [insert your highly embellished version of events]."
SD answer:  "You have got to be fucking kidding me, right?  If I wanted to tell you something you would already know about it.  If I didn't then there is no way you would know about it.  See how this works?  You either have all the proof you need and hence this talk is nothing but a trap, or: you need to present me with a specific accusation or concern, and then I argue against it accordingly.  It's called a discussion, and it's what grown ups do instead of vaguely asking for a spontaneous confession regarding unclarified matters."

Now, sure, my answers won't get you out of trouble, but they will transform the whole dynamic of the exchange.  Women tend to think more than we do - just compare the number of female status updates to male ones on Facebook.  Chicks leak their thoughts all the time like a flood-gate.  But thinking more actually means thinking less efficiently: you statistically come up with more assertions, but you also come up with more corresponding doubts.  When you're a complicated thinker then even the simplest of problems suddenly become complicated in your mind, because complications are your speciality.  I'm frequently asked by women to interpret messages from men, messages that are obviously simple to my man brain, but because I'm trained to switch between simplicity and complexity in terms of cognition (Psychology training = complex, Investigative training = simple), I can put it in terms they understand.

And that's why I am the goddamn Sex Detective.I'm surprised this cliche still comes up but it does.  I mean, she's asking for fashion advice from the one man in her life she knows for sure isn't gay, so why would he be considered a reliable judge?Women are highly competitive on many levels, and compare themselves to other women all the time when they feel insecure.  Like all female questions this is a test, not a general survey.This is a classically mistaken enquiry because it is really statement and not a question at all.  What she is saying is: "You do want to come with me to see my parents on the weekend."  You'll find that women often phrase statements of compliance as questions to give the illusion of choice, but that's only to be courteous.