Yep, less that a week to go until that stupid, commercially created day where couples unironically celebrate their love, and single people dream stalky dreams about someone who probably doesn't give a fuck about them.
I know there are plenty of hopeless romantics out there, but most of you are only hopeless in the sense that you don't stand a fucking chance of scoring that dream date. Seriously, dude, you need to lower the bar and take what you can get.
I'm not much of a romantic myself, too many years bringing justice and heart-break to the imaginary mean streets of the internet, I guess. Too jaded, too tainted and too damn ugly to care. Still, even I know the difference between acceptable tryst tokens and crap that is more likely to provoke a restraining order than reciprocated love.
That being said, here's what a 5 minute random search turned up as Valentine's Day cards and gifts from people who might as well give up now.
Cards
There's weak, piss weak, and then this. Seriously, how would you react to something this nothing? If it was from your lover you'd ask him for photo ID because he obviously lied about his age. If it was from a secret admirer you would go out of your way
not to discover his identity. And what the hell is romantic about nuclear warheads? It's more like something light-hearted terrorists would send each other.
Some folks like to combine sentimentality with nostalgia and send an old timey card from their grandparents' era. Which is fine if you find something corny and fruit-related like this.
But not so fucking cool if you opt for this instead. Boy, those Chinese sure did like to say "EE" on the end of their verbs a alot, apparently. But the first phrase ("not big valentine") implies that this actually some sort of half-arsed sentiment, as if it really says "I'm not big on cards, but here's one anyway, hope you're as rascist as I am."
Don't even know what this is meant to be - some sort of pinky blob monster with a couple of empty shoes in front. Did it just eat the shoe owner? Is it depressed because it can't wear shoes? Maybe it's a disembodied brain creature covered in heart shaped tumours? No matter how you look at this thing it's as sad as fuck.
Yes, the bottom line in brackets does read "me luv u long time" (cringe) because apparently now the Vietnam War movie era of the '80s is far enough removed to make the poverty-driven prostitution industry of 1970's Vietnam cause for hilarity. As opposed to, you know, highly offensive racial slurs. Well done.
Gifts for her
Man, if I had a dollar for every time a mate has asked "What should I get her for Valentine's Day?" I'd be slightly better off than I am now, that's for sure. It's really simple guys - flowers, dinner and/or professional massage, then home for cunnilingus. V-day is about creating a romantic experience, not material objects per se. You may want to chew a lot of gum over the next few days, though, to build up some jaw endurance if you get my drift. If you insist on a gift instead, here's some to avoid.
What a fucking miserable piece of shit. People who give stuffed animal toys to adults as Valentine's gifts really worry me. Adults who enjoy receiving them worry me even more. If your boyfriend surprises you on V-day with something like this then it's actually an ill-conceived ransom payment to get his testicles back from your purse. I wouldn't give that depressing pile of pink plush to a comatose kid in the cancer ward, let alone someone I hoped to one day have sex with.
Fucking-A! Disco boobies! Realistically, though, any woman who isn't secretly a man is probably going to react a little poorly if this is your idea of lingerie. Look, it's never a good idea to dress your love up as Lady Ga-Ga, okay, because subconsciously you'll start checking her for a penis. Admittedly I'm saying that because I don't like her (I'm a Pink man through and through), but I'm just saying.
How happy does that chick look now that she's received a portable stripper pole from her beloved? And she's already hot! Just think how flattered your statistically plain significant other will be when you use 3 tubes of aluminium and an instructional dvd to tell her, "Honey, after all these years I still think you're sexy enough to be a stripper! Start shaking that booty and I'll shove $5 bills down your pants like in that place I usually get drunk at every Thursday night in order to get horny enough to shag you."
The best thing about stripper poles is that they're a great way to lose weight and dignity at the same time. Personally, though, I'd ditch the poles and just wank off to the dvd.
Are you fucking insane? A man never buys a woman exercise equipment, even if they beg him to, and certainly never something as lame as a Thigh Master. Apart from the danger inherent in any spring-loaded device, this piece of crap should be renamed the Divorce Master, because you'll always remember the day she opened this present and started crying.
Gifts for him
Personally I don't agree that guys should receive anything for V-day, other than a well-deserved gobby. V-day is a girlie day, but if your woman insists on getting all 'equality consumerism' in your face at least explain that some gift ideas are worse than others.
Sorry, ladies, but anything in a basket is pretty lame for a guy, unless it's a basket of handjob vouchers and beer. A basket of toiletries is even worse, because we actomatically assume you're telling us to smell like a girl. And anyway, anything more than a roll of deordorant or a splash of aftershave will mess with our musky pheromones, and you definitely don't want that.
Hmmm, gadgets aren't really V-day material, they're more of a birthday/Christmas thing. You want something that represents passion, like a gun or an engraved knife or some classic porn with his voice dubbed over the male roles.
I appreciate that some girls really dig their artsy-crafty side, and assume that it's a fantastic labour of love to create a visual homage to the love of their life. I've received a couple of these in my time, and it creeped me the fuck out. I don't mind the occasional token craft gift, but an entire bio-pictorial of my relationship reminded me too much of family albums, only with a lot more tongue.
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