Sex Detective vs Danoz FAQs

Slim Ice

A weight-reduction chemical treatment that slims and tones and firms.  But don't take my word for it, morons, this clip has all the proof you need:

Why did you show us the Spanish ad?

Because Slim Ice speaks for itself.  Universally.  Trust me, it makes just as much sense in English, if not more so.

How does it work?

According to the Danoz spiel online, you just rub this goo on yourself than spray something else over the top.  Reductive Ice Therapy does the rest. 

Um, that doesn't really tell me how, does it?

Well, you ingnorant dicks, it obviously contains active ingedients like CRIOVEX, as named after its Marvel super-villain inventor.  Now, I may not be a post-graduate Reductive Ice Therapist, but I've been an almost bio-chemical physicist professor for nearly an hour now so let me spell it out for you in lay-person terms.  Like every other adult male, I know all too well that cold makes things smaller.  And that's what Slim Ice does.  Ipso facto I'm a genius and you suck.

I just googled CRIOVEX and, apart from a lot of links to the same ad, I can't find a definition for this clearly pretend word.  The internet is home to thousands of pretend words, mind you, so why not this one?

Look, I'm not the alchemist who invents this stuff, alright?

Conclusion

Seriously, how much would you have to hate you to smear what looks like urine-based gel all over your body then spray an alcohol-glycerine mix over the top and convince yourself that subsequent evaporative cooling sensation is actually your fat cells shrinking?  Yes, your skin will contract for a little while in order to form goosebumps, but anything cold will do that.

 

Abdoer Twist

There's a lot of ab-machines out there, suckers, but only one with this name, which makes all the difference.  Don't believe me?  Well, prepare to bone up:

Er, was that in French?

Er, are you really a racist bastard?  Look, we live in a culturally diverse inter-world, try to be a little more broad-minded, Adolf!

So, you speak French then ?

I can hear things regardless of language, now stay on topic.

Okay, the product says it twists in 360 degrees, but I'm pretty sure the human body doesn't.  Is this really a good idea?

I'm 'pretty sure' your mum charges more for blowjobs since I stoved her teeth in.  Allow me to direct you to the facts, fool.  Dr Selner has a couple of clips there to set you straight.  I mean, have you seen the science equipment he uses?  And that lab coat?  Ipso facto he's a genius and you suck.

Uh-huh, but ignoring the fact that you don't understand Latin any more than you do French, why would anyone fork out real money for this piece of shit?

Hah!  Let's see you say that to gold-medallist-in-some-sport, Summer Sanders!

As seen here pushing her Abdoer to Olympic victory.

That would be in swimming in 1992.  A looong time before this monstrosity was invented.

Touché.  That's French, by the way, which means I win!

Conclusion

We've seen many incarnation of the worthless ab-machine over the last 20 years, but the market must be experiencing a creative drought if the best name you can resort to nowadays is 'Ab-Doer'.

Back2Life plus Firmapedic pillow

I've got no idea what this robot is meant to do other than make me masturbate for an hour after I've seen this clip:

Finally, something in English.  Is that guy in the ad meant to come across as anything other than a clinical rapist?

That was never proven.  The clinical trials just happened to be disproportionately represented with women who were already rape victims.  The scienticians couldn't have predicted those traumatic flashbacks under test conditions, okay?

So, this gizmo basically wiggles your hips really slowly and that somehow fixes back pain, right?

It's for back pain!?  Shit, I just ordered two dozen on the premise that it pleasured paraplegics.  Fuck.  Still, at least you get a Firmapedic pillow with it.

Yeah, about that, the site says those pillows are made of 'visco-elastic memory' foam that molds to your head.  How is that different to normal temper-foam?

Who cares, it comes free with the cripple-sex-robot thing.

Conclusion

I thought I had something to say about how useless a hip gyration machine would be for spinal injuries, but after watching that clip I still can't get the word 'buttocks' out of my head.

2 Minute Spoiler: Splice (2009)

A crazy scientist couple (played by Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley) play God by making genetic travesties for the sake of some demonised Evil GMO corporation. The first example is a pair of, I dunno, fleshy slug-things that will revolutionise farming somehow. That's when they're not too busy tonguing each other.

That's right, two giant, flaccid dick monsters just going at it while the crowd

cheers them on.

The two geneticists responsible for making me scared of my own penis have a few relationship issues to work through. Really bad issues, that translate into them secretly conducting a second genetic experiment that results in a higher form of mutant life using some of Mrs Scientist's DNA.  She's motivated by the need to have a child of her own.

Or, in this case, a self-waxing penisrat.

This...thing quickly grows and evolves into something else that combines a human girl, kangaroo, bird, scorpion and about 7 too many kneecaps. The couple are forced to hide this creature in a barn and spend time teaching it to be less of a monster.  However, with Evil Corp closing in they are eventually forced to make some tough choices. Like whether to kill it, surrender it, set it free or...

...fuck it?

Wow, I can't believe Mr Scientist just did that, he just shoved his cock into the pet mutant like it was nothing.

Surprisingly, things end badly when flying kanga-scorpion girl suddenly changes gender, kills Mr Scientist, presumedly out of retro-homophobic rage, and rapes Mrs Scientist. The only sane moment in the entire film is when the monster gets its head caved in with a rock.

Climax: Mrs Mad Scientist falls pregnant to her own, husband-murdering creation and decides to keep the baby, despite it being a product of violent, incestuous bestiality.

3 Reality Things That I Know To Suck Without First-hand Experience

I can cook stuff good
Every time I've turned on my car radio over the last 6 days I seem to hear the same shitty sound-bite from the same shitty kid:

“People say that you have to be big to do something good.”

Do they, kid? Do 'people' really fucking say that? Because I've never heard that assertion as a slogan, moral message or cultural truism anywhere or at any time before now. However, after your bitchy kid voice has seared my aural nerves for the 13th time I'm starting to believe that the implied converse is true: that you have to be little to really fuck up.

Hmmm, 8 year olds + hotplates + cleavers = flawless victory over responsible

programming.  And young fingers.

I will never intentionally – or consciously – watch a cooking show. Burning things to make them edible is a purely practical exercise for me, one that typically involves a third party at the other end of an intercom. Plenty of folk get all excited and teary about food-based reality shows, like the concept hasn't been around since the 1950's and that self-proclaimed "chefs" (a title usually requiring several years of accredited, performance-based merit) somehow deserve my emotional investment for 3 months. Now we're doing this crap with kids. Why? Because watching mundane adults and celebrity adults get criticised by actual professionals isn't enough for you monsters who revel in public humiliation. You want to see kids cry on television, you sick fucks.

Hey, maybe you can sing/dance/fellate like a star?

Another thing that's been around since way before television is the talent show. There have always been people surrounded by over-nurturing parents and tone-deaf friends who finally decide to get their shit ruined by a panel of judges. It's just that nowadays they do it in front of a much bigger audience, and that at least one of the judges is paid in reputation to be an utter cunt regardless of how much the contestant tries. This is another type of so-called 'reality' show I actively boycott. Turning a talent competition into a 13 week wank-quest of Tolkien proportions, with Kyle “The-Sex-Detective-is-disgusted-by-your-very-existence” Sandilands playing the part of Sauron, is an insult to my sanity.

The reason fists were invented.

And do you know the most sinister part? The viewers don't just watch this shit to be entertained by the scarce minority with actual talent, they also thrive on seeing the epic failures and melt-downs. Production teams know this and go to great lengths to capture optimal footage of embarrassingly misguided applicants who clearly suffer untreated head injuries. This cringing enjoyment of dignity suicide is called Schadenfreude. It's a real thing and only a couple of steps away from secretly being aroused by the spectacle of prison rape.

Celebrities get real(ly screwed)

You know that your acting career is in deep shit when you have to resort to contestant status on a reality show. That's because your chosen vocation as an actor typically centres on the opposite of reality. That's what acting is, by definition. Of course, being an actor has never been a formal requirement for celebrity status, but if you are and your agent advises you to enter a reality show to remind people of this then you're already fucked.

There is only one reality show I would pay through the balls to watch: Celebrity Big Brother featuring Mark “Chopper” Reid.

Any man who comes with his own subtitles has universal appeal.

Sex Detective vs eHarmony, Part Two

The story so far,

Lovelorn and horny heart-broken, the Sex Detective resorts to online dating at eHarmony in order to assess the current love market and possibly flag himself on an FBI database.

Wow, I just logged back into my eHarmony account (under my nomme d'amore of 'Max Bonethruster') and despite having only completed half the profile questions I already have 18 matches.  Somehwere out there are 18 women prepared to hook up with what is clearly a very toxic sociopath.  My profile pic is a hockey mask next to a tube of lube, ladies.  My hobbies include handguns and taping people... to other people.  Also, half of you come from countries where English isn't even likely to be your seventh language.

Anyway, eHarmony just told me that this free trial runs out in a few hours, so I better get this profile finished.

More Q & A
Question 7: What are you most passionate about?

Sample Answer 7:

I am passionate about living life to its fullest! For me that includes traveling to new places and experiencing all sorts of things. There's nothing quite like exiting an airport in a new country and taking that first breath of air. Every city let me tell you, has its own smell. Give me a room with a view, and I'm good to go! My own travels have taught me to see my home town through the eyes of a tourist. I now know more about my hometown and make a super tourist guide when friends come to visit.

Sex Detective Answer 7:

Pretty much the same as Sample-boy up there, ladies, provided I was also an international assassin or Nazi fugitive.  Also, I'm damned if I would know how to 'make a super tourist guide' when my friends come over.  I could tape a few normal guides together, I guess.

 
Question 8: How do you typically spend your leisure time?
 
Sample Answer 8:

Leisure time can seem scarce, but when it's around I can enjoy time spent with friends, or curled up with a good book. I may have read a certain currently popular series of books out there but I will flat out deny it if asked. Yes, that series - so you know why I won't admit to actually reading all of the books, let alone liking them.

Sex Detective Answer 8:

Sure, I deny reading stuff all the time (traffic laws, cooking instructions, sexual harrassment policies) but I don't get all weird and defensive about it.  Especially if I fail to specify what the fuck it is I'm denying in the first place.  I mean, maybe he's coy about his Harry Potter/Twilight/Sweet Valley High habit, but it could equally be Deutschland Skat Monthly for all we know.  Rather than try to set up some intrigue about my *yawn* reading habits, I'll just let you know how my downtime is spent: living hard, loving hard and fucking hard.  And trust me, dames, it is always fucking hard.  Booyah! 

Okay, so now I'm ready to plunge into a world full of women whose lives must be so awful that they've forgotten how to read profiles or recognise any of the other 37 hints that maybe I'm not ideal dating material (my favourite movie is listed as Invasion Of The Space Martians From Outer-space; Mars To Be Precise).  But before I end up balls deep in romantic refugees, I better make sure eHarmony can deliver the goods.

 
 
eHarmony's Scientific Matching

Cool, they use science somehow, that's a relief.  The last three dating sites I perused seemed to rely mostly on sudoku and chloroform.

 

But not eHarmony.  Check out this research:

eHarmony interviewed over 5000 married couples to understand their relationships and to find the keys to a relationship which will succeed. The findings showed that having a spark with someone isn’t enough – even if there is chemistry, 3 out of 4 couples end up unhappy or divorced.

Hmmm, compelling stuff, but I still don't know if your tests were controlled, double-blinded or even real. And where the fuck did you find time to conduct 5000 separate interviews? Even with a minimal time constraint of 30 minutes per session and a crippling crystal-meth habit, that would require 15 weeks straight of interrogating bewildered couples. Even then, all you're telling me is that you've gained expert knowledge of a 75% failure rate.

 

But wait, there's light at the end of the datey science tunnel.  eHarmony have stumbled upon something that no other datey scientician has taken into account before.

eHarmony's research identified Key Dimensions which form the basis of a happy relationship...eHarmony matches you based on Key Dimensions of compatibility, giving you results that you won't get anywhere else.

The key dimensions are grouped into Core Traits and Vital Attributes.  Core Traits are stable parts of who you are as a person which will stay mostly unchanged throughout your life. Vital Attributes may change based on the events which happen in your life – they are to do with learning and experience.

Key Dimensions, I knew it!  Wait, what!?

They go on to describe examples of each using big words, but the gist of it all is this - like attracts like.  The key to compatibility is commonality.  Which means that 18 women out there must have plenty in common with Max Bonethruster, including a penis. 

 
Awk-ward.

 

 

 

 

Sex Detective vs eHarmony, Part One

Not long ago my beautiful ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she developed an allergy to douches or something.  After the mandatory seventeen hours of grief-driven masturbation respect I decided to jump back into the dating game by signing up for the first dating service I found.  Thanks to God being a total dick, that site was eHarmony, which specialises in pretending to match religious people together.  I am deeply religious.  Before becoming a Sex Detective I was a Sex Chaplain in the Sex Air Service.  However, I was discharged for being too abitrary in my devotions, often found worshipping things that most theists would throw in the trash, or at least had to once I'd finished my rituals.


But first, a loving testimonial
Here's a good news story from someone called Rob.

"Karen and I met not long after we went into open communication. For me it was love at first sight, but it took Karen a bit longer to realize that she loved me. We are looking forward our future together sharing with 2 beautiful teenagers."

I want you to read the above contrived success story again from the point of view of lacivious predator.  Notice how Rob now comes across as a successful offender with a predilection for statutory rape-slaves?

 eHarmony helped me find my conjoined acrobat twin.  Now he's

inside me all the time!!

Personal Q & A
Subscribing to eHarmony is tough.  They ask lots of hard questions in survey form, things about 'traits', 'values' and other abstract concepts that don't really help when it comes to defining fuckability.  Fortunately, after pages of scaled and True/False tests, you're given the chance to write down your own crap about what makes you you.  They even provide examples as a template for people who have trouble not being a spambot.

Ah, that would explain the still-warm DNA sample they requested.

Question 1: Other than your parents, who has been the most influential person in your life and why?

I was tempted to embellish at being a Christian by saying "Jesus, because he made beards cool." but that would be a horrible lie because I obviously don't have a beard.  Luckily I had an example answer to consult.

Sample Answer 1:

Don't tell him because it will give him a big head, but my brother really influenced my life. He's always been a terrific older brother and is still a great friend. He gave me the talking to that it wasn't cool to act like everything was boring when I was a teenager.

Sex Detective Answer 1:  

Don't tell his next-of-kin this - because they might re-open the inquiry - but Dr Mike, the Broken Head Doctor, really influenced my life.  He told me why Earth humans react the way they do to me and why special cuddles remain the domain of doctor/client privilege.  He also told me tha- wait!  Can you hear that?  Dear God, they're in the walls.  THEY"RE IN THE WALLS!

 
Question 2: What is the most important quality that you are looking for in another person?
 
Sample Answer 2:  

I am looking for a genuinely good person, someone who enjoys doing things for the people they care about. Someone who strikes a balance in life, interjects humor when appropriate, and knows when it's alright to be serious about things.

Sex Detective Answer 2:  

I'm looking for a fully functional specimen with a ridiculously low tolerance to over-the-counter medication and a propensity to get confused when under pressure, like maybe when identifying people in a line up.  Also, at least one vagina or aproximate equivalent thereof.

 
Question 3: Other than your appearance, what is the first thing that people notice about you?
 
Sample Answer 3:

People notice my positive outlook on life, and how that makes me inquisitive and articulate. Though, when we meet you'll have to let me know what stood out to you!

Sex Detective Answer 3:

People tend to notice me waaay too late, at least in terms of physical proximity, but - hang on, did Mr Sample Answer up there make any sense at all?  How does having a positive outlook naturally equate with curiosity and verbal articulation all of a sudden?  I've lost my train of thought now, and my balls are starting to itch.  Fuck you, Sample-boy, your face just made a face-date with my fist!

Question 4: What is the ONE thing that people DON'T notice about you right away that you WISH they WOULD?
 
Sample Answer 4:

My tendency toward wit and common sense can mask my sentimental side. I share that silly side with my closest friends, so it surprises people who first meet me and think they've got me pegged. In addition to my tendency toward the ridiculous with my close friends, I also care deeply for them which makes me a bit of a suck up at times.

Sex Detective Answer 4:

Eeew!  That answer blows, dude, as well as telling me you really like the word 'tendency'.  What I wish people would notice immediately is my extensive genital disfigurement.  Seriously, thanks to that petting zoo accident, it looks like a half-digested squid playing soccer.  And thanks to the disheartening number of eHarmony subscribers who refrain from pre-marital sex, the ladies DON'T usually notice this ONE thing they WISH they HAD until the wedding night, which is a repetitively expensive way to hear them scream.

Question 5: Something about reading books.

Sample Answer 5 and Sex Detective Answer 5:

Who gives a fuck!?

Question 6: Is there any additional information you would like your matches to know about you?

Sample Answer 6:

I plan to take my time, really getting to know somebody new here. I can't wait to see where things go; I'm looking forward to meeting you!

Sex Detective Answer 6:

Haha!  Not without a Court Order. Hahaha! Wh...why am I the only one laughing?

Sex Detective vs Dr Phil's Life Laws & Personality Types

Right now, okay!  As contemporaneously as possible!

Dr Phil's Life Laws
Fuck you, Moses, Phil has his own ten commandments. I not about to go through them all, though, because your brain isn't ready for that, fool.  It'd be the human soul's equivalent of auto-erotic asphyxiation if you were plunged into this much self-realisation in one hit.  For your own safety I'm only choosing four from this list.

As a possible detective, I know a few things about laws, albeit often as an end-user.  Phil's 'top ten' aren't presented as laws per se though.  They're just statements.  Phil-baby, you somehow manage to create a paradox in my simple, sexy mind by actually creating pop psychology that is uniquely generic. 

Life Law #2: You create your own experience.

Strategy: Acknowledge and accept accountability for your life. Understand your role in creating results.

You cannot dodge responsibility for how and why your life is the way it is. If you don't like your job, you are accountable. If you are overweight, you are accountable. If you are not happy, you are accountable. You are creating the situations you are in and the emotions that flow from those situations.

There are probably only nineteen million or so exceptions I can cite to this claim, Phil, but they all basically come down to 'situations beyond our control'.  If you seriously think that millions of African kids chose to starve, or that every target of kidnapping, rape and torture somehow chose their own fates, then I will pay anything to visit the Self-Empowerment Nation of Philtopia.  Sounds like a fantastic place, full of riches, eternal youth and unicorn sundaes topped with angel semen.

Glasser's Reality Therapy model has been around for a while.  I was trained in its merits 20 years ago, and still apply some of the key concepts pertaining to self-responsibility today.  But it was never designed to make such broad-sweeping statements.  If you don't provision this claim with clauses relating to a defined locus of control then such advice only becomes a source of deep depression and disappointment.  I don't ever get the luxury of creating every situation I'm in, you Texan twat, nobody does.  The best I can hope for is to initiate a situation I want now and again, or avoid one I don't.

Life Law #4: You cannot change what you do not acknowledge.

Strategy: Get real with yourself about life and everybody in it. Be truthful about what isn't working in your life. Stop making excuses and start making results.

Philip is effectively telling us that you have to get to know yourself in order to change yourself.  I can tell that whenever he stumbled upon the concept of self-awareness he got all excited and turned centuries of existential philosophy into a bumper sticker.  Somehow he's taken the most puerile of dumb rehabilitative concepts from those 12-step wankers at Alcoholics Anonymous and made it even dumber (that's right, peeps, AA is absolute crap - take it from an ex-addict who cleaned up using the alternative 'two-step' model: put the fucking needle down and get a job). 

Life Law #6: There is no reality, only perception.

Strategy: Identify the filters through which you view the world. Acknowledge your history without being controlled by it.

What!?!  The strategy for Law #4 was all about getting real, wasn't it?  In fact, 'get real' is probably your most famous catch-phrase.  Now you're hitting us with some 'there is no spoon' bullshit?  There is only reality, Doc, and our perception (which is not the opposite of reality by the way) simply gives us the ability to interact with it.

Of course there's a fucking spoon, Neo, he's holding it right in front of you.

Just ignore the creepy kid, he's high on chemo-therapy.

Life Law #10: You have to name it before you can claim it.

Strategy: Get clear about what you want and take your turn.

Another classic Philistic slogan.  Slogans are the most overused marketing tool on the planet, whether it be for politics or products or cults.  They work because our brains don't like to repeat verbal tasks and actually think clearly at the same time.  And, because this is another snappy catch-phrase, the rhyming style employed makes us enjoy the verbal bit.  Now, the above statement is - apart from sounding like a radio jingle chorus -a cognitive observation so fundamentally obvious that it should only come as an epiphany to crustaceans.

Hence forcing me to solve my own rape case, the fucker.

Phil's Personality Tests

I've got a more in-depth post on personality bullshit coming up, but this page of Phil's really caught my eye.  Gouged it, even.  Here we have a series of 'tests' that are in fact just a few leading questions to which you are compelled to answer "Yes, I'm a shallow cunt.  Ha-ha, that's me all over, all shallow and cunty like."  Discover which of the following 3 or 4 (the fourth doesn't have the same Q&A format, like he got bored and resorted to ironically complaining about his wife) intricate personality types you may be.  He even adds that if you don't fit into one of these you can create your own category.  Thanks, Phil, because empowerment is all about the ability to classify yourself by type.  And one thing you can bet your fucking ass on, Doc, I will come up with much cooler category names that these piles of shit.

Are you the Porcupine type?  You know, always defensive, critical, spiky and possibly an insectivore?

Are you the Chicken Little type?  Do you always assume the worst, preach doom, practice constant anxiety, and also a chicken?  Like a real one?  Or maybe you're just nervy because don't understand his archaic references?

Perhaps you're the Poser type?  Vain, image obssessed, aesthetically competitive and socially elitist?  You're nothing but a mannequin, a rich, successful, high society mannequin with rockin' tits, aren't you?  You're probably also every cheerleader who ever refused to suck Phil's dick in highschool. 

Here's my personality question: just how fucked up do you have to be to admit to being one or more of these three cartoon arch-types?  I've seen deeper personality analysis on a Facebook quizz when it asked me what type of cock-ring I was.  Let me offer you an alternative, Doctor.  I propose that there is nearly seven billion different personality types within the human population, and that they are divided into two distinct and easily recognisable categories: me, and not-me.