A weight-reduction chemical treatment that slims and tones and firms. But don't take my word for it, morons, this clip has all the proof you need:
Why did you show us the Spanish ad?
Because Slim Ice speaks for itself. Universally. Trust me, it makes just as much sense in English, if not more so.
How does it work?
According to the Danoz spiel online, you just rub this goo on yourself than spray something else over the top. Reductive Ice Therapy does the rest.
Um, that doesn't really tell me how, does it?
Well, you ingnorant dicks, it obviously contains active ingedients like CRIOVEX, as named after its Marvel super-villain inventor. Now, I may not be a post-graduate Reductive Ice Therapist, but I've been an almost bio-chemical physicist professor for nearly an hour now so let me spell it out for you in lay-person terms. Like every other adult male, I know all too well that cold makes things smaller. And that's what Slim Ice does. Ipso facto I'm a genius and you suck.
I just googled CRIOVEX and, apart from a lot of links to the same ad, I can't find a definition for this clearly pretend word. The internet is home to thousands of pretend words, mind you, so why not this one?
Look, I'm not the alchemist who invents this stuff, alright?
Conclusion
Seriously, how much would you have to hate you to smear what looks like urine-based gel all over your body then spray an alcohol-glycerine mix over the top and convince yourself that subsequent evaporative cooling sensation is actually your fat cells shrinking? Yes, your skin will contract for a little while in order to form goosebumps, but anything cold will do that.
Abdoer Twist
There's a lot of ab-machines out there, suckers, but only one with this name, which makes all the difference. Don't believe me? Well, prepare to bone up:
Er, was that in French?
Er, are you really a racist bastard? Look, we live in a culturally diverse inter-world, try to be a little more broad-minded, Adolf!
So, you speak French then ?
I can hear things regardless of language, now stay on topic.
Okay, the product says it twists in 360 degrees, but I'm pretty sure the human body doesn't. Is this really a good idea?
I'm 'pretty sure' your mum charges more for blowjobs since I stoved her teeth in. Allow me to direct you to the facts, fool. Dr Selner has a couple of clips there to set you straight. I mean, have you seen the science equipment he uses? And that lab coat? Ipso facto he's a genius and you suck.
Uh-huh, but ignoring the fact that you don't understand Latin any more than you do French, why would anyone fork out real money for this piece of shit?
Hah! Let's see you say that to gold-medallist-in-some-sport, Summer Sanders!
As seen here pushing her Abdoer to Olympic victory.
That would be in swimming in 1992. A looong time before this monstrosity was invented.
Touché. That's French, by the way, which means I win!
Conclusion
We've seen many incarnation of the worthless ab-machine over the last 20 years, but the market must be experiencing a creative drought if the best name you can resort to nowadays is 'Ab-Doer'.
Back2Life plus Firmapedic pillow
I've got no idea what this robot is meant to do other than make me masturbate for an hour after I've seen this clip:
Finally, something in English. Is that guy in the ad meant to come across as anything other than a clinical rapist?
That was never proven. The clinical trials just happened to be disproportionately represented with women who were already rape victims. The scienticians couldn't have predicted those traumatic flashbacks under test conditions, okay?
So, this gizmo basically wiggles your hips really slowly and that somehow fixes back pain, right?
It's for back pain!? Shit, I just ordered two dozen on the premise that it pleasured paraplegics. Fuck. Still, at least you get a Firmapedic pillow with it.
Yeah, about that, the site says those pillows are made of 'visco-elastic memory' foam that molds to your head. How is that different to normal temper-foam?
Who cares, it comes free with the cripple-sex-robot thing.
Conclusion
I thought I had something to say about how useless a hip gyration machine would be for spinal injuries, but after watching that clip I still can't get the word 'buttocks' out of my head.
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