Right now, okay! As contemporaneously as possible!
Dr Phil's Life Laws
Fuck you, Moses, Phil has his own ten commandments. I not about to go through them all, though, because your brain isn't ready for that, fool. It'd be the human soul's equivalent of auto-erotic asphyxiation if you were plunged into this much self-realisation in one hit. For your own safety I'm only choosing four from this list.
As a possible detective, I know a few things about laws, albeit often as an end-user. Phil's 'top ten' aren't presented as laws per se though. They're just statements. Phil-baby, you somehow manage to create a paradox in my simple, sexy mind by actually creating pop psychology that is uniquely generic.
Life Law #2: You create your own experience.
Strategy: Acknowledge and accept accountability for your life. Understand your role in creating results.
You cannot dodge responsibility for how and why your life is the way it is. If you don't like your job, you are accountable. If you are overweight, you are accountable. If you are not happy, you are accountable. You are creating the situations you are in and the emotions that flow from those situations.
There are probably only nineteen million or so exceptions I can cite to this claim, Phil, but they all basically come down to 'situations beyond our control'. If you seriously think that millions of African kids chose to starve, or that every target of kidnapping, rape and torture somehow chose their own fates, then I will pay anything to visit the Self-Empowerment Nation of Philtopia. Sounds like a fantastic place, full of riches, eternal youth and unicorn sundaes topped with angel semen.
Glasser's Reality Therapy model has been around for a while. I was trained in its merits 20 years ago, and still apply some of the key concepts pertaining to self-responsibility today. But it was never designed to make such broad-sweeping statements. If you don't provision this claim with clauses relating to a defined locus of control then such advice only becomes a source of deep depression and disappointment. I don't ever get the luxury of creating every situation I'm in, you Texan twat, nobody does. The best I can hope for is to initiate a situation I want now and again, or avoid one I don't.
Life Law #4: You cannot change what you do not acknowledge.
Strategy: Get real with yourself about life and everybody in it. Be truthful about what isn't working in your life. Stop making excuses and start making results.
Philip is effectively telling us that you have to get to know yourself in order to change yourself. I can tell that whenever he stumbled upon the concept of self-awareness he got all excited and turned centuries of existential philosophy into a bumper sticker. Somehow he's taken the most puerile of dumb rehabilitative concepts from those 12-step wankers at Alcoholics Anonymous and made it even dumber (that's right, peeps, AA is absolute crap - take it from an ex-addict who cleaned up using the alternative 'two-step' model: put the fucking needle down and get a job).
Life Law #6: There is no reality, only perception.
Strategy: Identify the filters through which you view the world. Acknowledge your history without being controlled by it.
What!?! The strategy for Law #4 was all about getting real, wasn't it? In fact, 'get real' is probably your most famous catch-phrase. Now you're hitting us with some 'there is no spoon' bullshit? There is only reality, Doc, and our perception (which is not the opposite of reality by the way) simply gives us the ability to interact with it.
Of course there's a fucking spoon, Neo, he's holding it right in front of you.
Just ignore the creepy kid, he's high on chemo-therapy.
Life Law #10: You have to name it before you can claim it.
Strategy: Get clear about what you want and take your turn.
Another classic Philistic slogan. Slogans are the most overused marketing tool on the planet, whether it be for politics or products or cults. They work because our brains don't like to repeat verbal tasks and actually think clearly at the same time. And, because this is another snappy catch-phrase, the rhyming style employed makes us enjoy the verbal bit. Now, the above statement is - apart from sounding like a radio jingle chorus -a cognitive observation so fundamentally obvious that it should only come as an epiphany to crustaceans.
Hence forcing me to solve my own rape case, the fucker.
Phil's Personality Tests
I've got a more in-depth post on personality bullshit coming up, but this page of Phil's really caught my eye. Gouged it, even. Here we have a series of 'tests' that are in fact just a few leading questions to which you are compelled to answer "Yes, I'm a shallow cunt. Ha-ha, that's me all over, all shallow and cunty like." Discover which of the following 3 or 4 (the fourth doesn't have the same Q&A format, like he got bored and resorted to ironically complaining about his wife) intricate personality types you may be. He even adds that if you don't fit into one of these you can create your own category. Thanks, Phil, because empowerment is all about the ability to classify yourself by type. And one thing you can bet your fucking ass on, Doc, I will come up with much cooler category names that these piles of shit.
Are you the Porcupine type? You know, always defensive, critical, spiky and possibly an insectivore?
Are you the Chicken Little type? Do you always assume the worst, preach doom, practice constant anxiety, and also a chicken? Like a real one? Or maybe you're just nervy because don't understand his archaic references?
Perhaps you're the Poser type? Vain, image obssessed, aesthetically competitive and socially elitist? You're nothing but a mannequin, a rich, successful, high society mannequin with rockin' tits, aren't you? You're probably also every cheerleader who ever refused to suck Phil's dick in highschool.
Here's my personality question: just how fucked up do you have to be to admit to being one or more of these three cartoon arch-types? I've seen deeper personality analysis on a Facebook quizz when it asked me what type of cock-ring I was. Let me offer you an alternative, Doctor. I propose that there is nearly seven billion different personality types within the human population, and that they are divided into two distinct and easily recognisable categories: me, and not-me.
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