Beware Ye The Lurker!

Lurkers.  I fucking hate fucking Lurkers.  They are the social epitome of all that is wrong with heterosexual males.  You get female Lurkers too, but they tend to be pathetic, wallowy creatures destined for pity.  No, there are few things as reprehensible as the male Lurker.  Make no mistake, they are the most annoying of social thorns in any man's side.


So, Kidd, what the fuck is a Lurker?
We've all met them, especially in our teens and twenties.  Occasionally you'd date a sweet gal who had that one, close male friend.  A real BFF who always remembers her birthday, clocks up hundreds of couch hours watching chick flicks with her, even take her shopping or out to lunch when she's feeling blue.  As far as she's concerned they've been great mates since highschool and he registers zero threat on her radar, despite not being gay or her brother.  He's infiltrated her circle like 'one of the girls' and wheedled into her family like 'part of the furniture'.  And, as far as he's concerned, you're just the latest in a long line of mistakes that she will make until she wakes up and sees him as her soul mate.  Just like in all those chick flicks he watches with her.

Oh, and the playful tickle fights and harmless neck rubs.  We just love that shit, you Lurking cunt. 

She says: "But we're just good friends!"

Poor Jacob: cursed with Lurkanthropy.

Uh-huh, sure.  That's why every time I see him goofing around with you my balls itch and my knuckles start grinding their teeth.  Look, when most straight guys end up in a girl's friend zone we make a point of drifting away like a dog from an empty dinner bowl.  It's because another term for friend zone is "Lost Swamp of Masturbatory Despair".  Sure, we'll drive past it now and again and wave out the window, but we're not about to build a house there.  The Lurker does the oposite and digs in, hoping to win a war of attrition by outlasting all suitors.  Lacking the balls to tell the girl how he really feels, he just hangs on and on out of a false sense of entitlement.

Rationalisations of the Lurker

"I know her better than anyone."
"I make her laugh."
"We've been through so much together."
"I'm always there for her."
"We love each other on a deeper level."

Yeah, yeah, you share such a special, platonic bond that we can hardly notice your boner when you're splashing her at the beach, creep.  I've even heard one Lurker say to me, "We have a running joke whereby if neither of us has settled down by age 40 we'll marry each other - ha ha!"  He was 25, but his wistful eyes told me he would seriously hold out for another 15 years if necessary.

Yeah, we've been best mates ever since she grew boobs.

Why is he a threat?

Make no mistake, a Lurker is competition disguised as a friendly, nonchalant smile.  His only goal is her, so his mission is the demise of your relationship.  His methods will be passive-aggressive and duplicitous because he loathes direct confrontation.  Remember, this fucker is built for endurance - he can wait months before driving home the wedge.  In the mean time he'll either want to be your buddy and recon you for vulnerabilities, or try to monopolise her time with secret in-jokes or staged emergencies.  A creature of festering jealousy, he fears and despises your presence nearly as much as he does his own feeble soul.

Okay, Kidd, so short of waiting for him to have an "accident", how do I deal with a Lurker?

Accidents happen all the time

There is no risk-free way of handling this type of douchebag.  The sad truth is that, short of an acquired brain injury, most chicks know deep down of their Lurker's intent.  They just choose to ignore or suppress this knowledge because they a) don't feel threatened, and b) enjoy the attention and/or power.  Still, the mere fact that he probably spends most nights jerking it to mental images of her is enough to compel you into action.  Unfortunately there are precious few ways to do this without looking like a bit of a tool, which is exactly what he's counting on.  But fuck it, you've got to either take a stand or forever watch your back.

1. Casual Awareness Raising: befriend him on Facebook and send a group mail including him with a link to this article along with a message like "Lol, this guy is seriously paranoid, right?"

2. Guerilla Tactics: this is PsyOps game-playing, but some of you guys love being sneaky fuckers anyway.  Lurkers love routines, especially with the object of their affection.  There are bound to be recurrent little bonding rituals that he shares with the girl - games night every Tuesday, touch football or gallery visits on the weekend, Harry Potter marathons and Mutual Hair Braiding once a month or shit like that.  Upset that routine like upsetting an enemy's supply line: unpredictably and with zero notice.

3. Declaration by Proxy: as in all things, your brethren are your staunchest allies.  If they're anything like you, they will share similar views on Lurkers and be willing to help.  What you really want here is a group forum (including the Lurker and the girl for best effect) and a true friend who is in a stable relationship.  The friend then regales the audience with a highly embellished cautionary tale about a Lurker they bested in the past.

4. The Ultimate Litmus Test: this one has the highest stakes but is most effective when dealing with a girl in denial about her Lurker's agenda.  Warning: there is an even chance you'll come off looking like a psychopath initially, but when this works it does so spectacularly.  It comes down to a simple yet highly volatile discussion with youir girlfriend that goes something like this:

"I believe your so-called friend to be a fucking lurker.  I am willing to bet our relationship on this.  If you don't believe me then offer to suck his dick and see what happens."

Be preapared for all sorts of ugly shit to come out of this (previously undisclosed sexual histories, her going ballistic at having to concede the truth, her actually falling for him like a bad movie), but live with the consolation that anything short of her finally acknowledging the Lurker for what he is means your relationship was probably doomed anyway.


DISCLAIMER: some folk are going to cry about me broadcasting insecurities - bullshit. An insecurity is a fear that you fail to act on. I've always acted on my fears, especially when relationships are at stake. This has often ended in messy results, but one thing I'm never afraid of is to get dirty to get to the truth. Others may think I'm arguing that members of the opposite sex can't be friends with each other. Rubbish, provided they're honest about it to all concerned. I respect any man who has the balls to approach and say: "Hi, I'm a direct rival for your girlfriend's affection." provided he also has the same guts to say it to her.