Hey, do you know the difference between my girlfriend and friends of mine that happens to be girls? Fucking, that's what. My girlfriend has exclusive, reciprocal rights to my tackle. It's sex that defines that difference. When I catch up with a female friend and discuss Cartesian philosophy I don't get accused of intellectual cheating. When I sit down with a chick I know and she's in tears over whatever it is girls cry about, I'm not committing emotional infidelity. Yet, among many Christians, those platonic friendships are the best you should hope for before marriage, even if you're in a committed relationship.
Hell, even kissing is, to some, a wanton and unholy act. Watch this video, then tell me one thing: just how badly do you want to savagely beat the fuck out of Frederick? Not because of his virgin faith, or because he's marrying someone clearly under-age, but because of that hair and shit-eating grin. If you answered "until his asshole pukes teeth" then we're on the same page.
Fuck you, Frederick.
This is why the whole "no pre-marital sex" thing in Christian relationships has me intrigued. So I went online and found this dating advice site in order to get a better understanding of this archaic and arguably unhealthy stance. After a few hours of trawling through its pages I realised that the site was as contradictory as the Bible on which its arguments were based.
I'm an amateur Sex Detective, which means solving mysteries to do with sexual politics and creepy behaviour. And I'll be quite honest - the whole purity ring, abstinence, side-hugging deal creeps me out no end. Sex is about as physically personal as you can get without being a surgeon, making its practice or lack thereof a very personal choice. Public propoganda campaigns that promote celibacy over education strive to take that choice away through authotitarian pressure. Enforced ignorance and denialism.
Okay, let's look at the 2 basic types of Christian sexual activity and what these Bible people have to say about it.
1. Self-service: Masturbation & God
I showed this to the Magistrate, but the Primary School still pressed charges.
Hard-core fundamentalists will tell you that flogging the ferret or double-clicking the mouse (I love that term so much thanks to my best mate) is a big Goddy no-no. This comes from the story of Onan in Genesis chapter 38, the famous quote about spilling his seed upon the ground. This is taken completely out of context because he was actually fucking his brother's widow (a social norm back then) at the time and just happened to decide to finish up outside her. Was he aiming for her face and missed? Or did he just hate the thought of having kids? Either way, local religious law said he was meant to deposit his load in her bank so God fucked him up as punishment.
The good people at the Oasis site I mentioned above are a bit more lenient than that. They throw around a few Bible quotes to do with immorality and lusty stuff, but the overall message seems to be that as long as you're not wanking full-time, and not having impure thoughts while doing so, it's probably okay to fill a few tube socks.
Wait! What? They're saying you can self-sex but only if you don't think about sex? How the fuck does that even work?
2. Interplay: Penis + Vagina
Christians are all for Christians dating and having relationships with other Christians, otherwise they might mingle with pagans and get funny ideas about science, natural justice and social freedoms. Fucking before marriage is a big problem for them, though. Why? It'll ruin things before the marriage. It'll cause unwanted pregnancies. You'll set yourself up for heartbreak. These answers are possibly valid but lack one thing that seals the deal: any statistical logic whatsoever. The divorce rates among Christians is no lower than that of non-Christians. Married couples have unplanned kids all the time. I would even argue that many marriage break ups are more emotionally intense than unmarried relationships.
Some Christians have a very monochrome attitude about the nature of sex. To them sex defines a relationship somewhat more dogmatically than it does to agnostic libertarians like myself. There are either sex relationships within the union of marriage or non-sex relationships which apply to everyone else. For me there seems to be more of a spectrum: one night stands, friends with benefits, non-sex friendships, open relationships, exclusive relationships, polyamory (multiple spouses) relationships and more. Sure, pre-marital sex may incur certain risks, but forbidding the practice creates others, not the least of which is sexual incompatibility.
As humans we're built for sex. Post-puberty we're biologically engineered to breed. Although evolution has yet to catch up with medical science and social hygeine, we were originally designed to do so until death. Back in biblical times anyone who lived more than forty years was either divinely superpowered or bad at maths. Pairing couples into marriage was done by courtship (family arrangement), a tradition that wasn't supplanted by dating until the 20th Century. Back then you married so young that the statistical chance of you fucking anyone else before your betrothed was small, especially while your family had a 'virginity on delivery' dowry contract to uphold. Even if you did end up with a dud root your options were limited. Cheating or separation was an extreme sport, punishable by a rock to the head or knife across the throat.
In these enlightened times sexual compatibility is a healthy, user-choice issue. And this is why: unless both partners have had their genitals removed, sexual incompatibility will end a monogamous relationship. When the sex is good and plenty in a relationship, it's topical importance rates only about 10%. When it's bad and lacking it will bcome a 90% elephant in the room. Do you really want to wait until after the wedding to discover that your mutual attraction was romantic but not sexual? It's not until you're naked that she realises your cock looks like it was circumcised by an escalator accident while her vadge smells like a home-brewing shed. Or that your dream of finally getting your dong hoovered will never be realised because she was taught in Sunday School that semen is made of battery acid.
"God loves sex more than you do"
That's an actual quote from the site. I'm not sure if it's a challenge or a threat. I mean, he fucked Onan pretty hard for doing it wrong so I guess his standards are pretty high. But then again, he's a god, right? It says so in his name. God sex is bound to be better than what us humans try so clumsily to do to each other under the sheets or in the back of a car. Christians are fallible beings, but only because they're constantly being compared to an infallible one. Now, if God had said "choose your life sex partner wisely through a process of experimentation and experience and hopefully you'll land someone who will stick around for awhile" then maybe there would be less adultery-based divorces in church groups. There's certainly be less confused, ignorant, horny teenagers in the youth groups who have to resort to awful rap songs instead.
I want to side-hug your brains out, yo!
The Answer: I now realise why those Christian pre-marital rules about no frontal hugging, tongue kissing or lusty thinking creep me out so much. They're exactly the same rules you usually only need to spell out to dangerously retarded kids or convicted sex offenders undergoing court-mandated psych treatment.
That website was written in Comic Sans! The horror!
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