I love checking out relationship advice columns online. They're always being run by some collection of self-proclaimed experts who either have credentials in loosely related fields or have published an overtly femminist/mysoginistic instruction manual on how sexual relations work. Me, I wouldn't have a clue. I'm more of an expert on how relationships don't work, but unlike all these other people I'm not pushing a product. In fact, it may come as a surprise to absolutely no-one that Kidd Vengeance isn't even my real name ('Steele Bonemaster' as a blog was already taken), the same way that Sex Detective is not a real thing. But this is the internet, kids, a fantasy playground where all is but a fanciful illusion. With boobies.
During my cyber travels into the minds of humans who are seriously too lazy to work shit out for themselves, a few commonly restated questions to do with how men and women head-fuck each other come up. I've tackled the whole
dishonesty thing before, but the underlying problem in most cases involves someone lying blatantly to him or herself.
"I was in a relationship with a fantastic girl for over a year, then recently we decided to mutually end it. However, she's a great person and we both want to remain the best of friends. Does that ever work out?"
What!? Hell, no, dude. I mean, okay, you'll meet all sorts of delusional people who'll tell you how they became besties with their ex. These people are clearly insane or drinking paint. Sure, if you don't see each other for 10 years and then reunite to form some sort of civil acquaintance, then more power to you, but you've described your break up as 'recent'. Also, don't lie straight to my face. No one 'mutually decides' to break up. Ever. You're just trying to cover the fact she dumped your ass, loser. But, if you think you and her can still become BFFs then I want you to try the following, highly perverse thought exercise.
Mental Litmus Test
Picture yourself walking in on your ex having sex. I'm not talking about the adequate, cutesy, lovemaking shit you used to share. I'm talking hardcore, rabid gorilla sex, where she's making sounds you never heard before, in between begging him to cum on her face. Also, the dude sending her to heaven through her spasm chasm is known to you. Picture a good mate, a hated enemy, your brother, the local priest, whatever. You quietly retreat out through the back door (kinda the opposite of what he's doing to her, got it?).
Do you feel:
A: that embarrassed, dissonant combination of disgust and arousal, but on the whole are happy that your new 'best friend' is copping some decent jack-hammering for a change?
Or
B: filled with despair, rage, grief and overall jealousy, only you're too impotent to act on it because of the whole 'still be stupid friends' agreement?
If you chose 'A' then congratulations, you're one of the 1% of high functioning sociopaths who can lie cleanly to yourself. If you chose 'B' then you have your answer. Not only is it almost impossible to remain close friends with an ex after a recent break-up, it's also downright unhealthy. And if she was the one to suggest such a bag of shit to you then screw her sister/mother/fellow cheerleader, send her the footage and set her straight.
"What's the deal with Cougars? Why are older women after younger guys, and why are guys my age becoming Cougar hunters? It's as bad as the whole old rich guy/young girl thing!"
This is not a new thing, buddy, it's just that mass media has turned it from being creepy to trendy through TV, movies and websites. During the '90s it happened all the time, only much more discreetly out of different norms and peer expectations. The 1990's was the Decade of the Rogue for this Sex Detective. Adopting a 'quantity over quality' philosophy to sex, I slept with about 50 women, and I'd say about 40% of them were older than me, sometimes 10-15 years older. If you're a guy in his early 20s looking for uninhibited, experienced fun with someone mature enough not to create dramas afterwards, then you should check out some Cougar action instead of bemoaning it, you dumb fuck. Or wait until you grow out of it like the rest of us by around age 30.
The Cougar is sexier, better experienced and less inhibited than young girls.
Just ignore the extra body hair.
Conversely, the whole older geezer/young chick thing has more biological reasoning behind it. Sure, there are some gold-diggers out there, but contrary to popular wishful thinking (due to unpopular people always resenting popular people), a lot of these 50-60 yo cashed-up dudes end up in great relationships with 20-30 yo women. Why?
Like I said, biology. A successful, experienced older man represents alpha-male status - he's successfully bested his competition over the last 30 years and has the trophies to prove it. He's not having a mid-life crisis (that's just when guys try to be younger than they are) because he's accepted his maturity with grace while still maintaining his health and well-being. He's a proven quantity of stability and (thanks to Viagara) virility. Also, he's pretty much retired, having worked his ass off, and now has time to spoil that special someone.
These geezers are attracted to younger women for fertility reasons. There's no actual shelf-life for male fertility, but women run on a limited biological timer. If an older guy wants to one day leave a legacy for his years of success he will, by absolute definition, hook up with a young hot chick.
"I hear and see a lot of press about how women prefer bad boys to nice guys. What's so wrong about being a nice person?"
I know, right? It's getting to the stage where a guy with a hockey mask and a bike lamp necklace can't even hire a couple of low-rent prostitutes without getting negative attitude from a pimp. Look, I'll give you some back story and then maybe you'll understand. Last decade generation X went through a fair bit of hetero-male polarisation. The Western world had adopted an insane policy of political correctness. Some guys joined in while the rest of us remained to become the cunts we proudly are today. The whole place got cluttered up with SNAGs (sensitive, new-age guys) and general nice guys as a result. Active feminism was on the decline so many, so-called men tried to give themselves honourary vaginas and fill the void. Meanwhile, many women were donning power suits and hitting the career market thanks to the opportunities generated by their feminist ancestors. Single parenting also became socially acceptable and even admirable. In other words some men deliberately became pussies while some women finally claimed well-deserved power over their lives.
The '90s female power suit - like this but with tits instead of guns.
Okay, so onto your question, pussy boy. Women don't prefer bad boys to anything except a nice guy, because at least a bad boy can be fun sometimes and doesn't cry after sex. Look at all the male heroes on TV - how many of them are sweet, sensitive, fuzzy, polite types? Fuck all. They tend to be confident, forthright, tough and cutely flawed in some way (with the exception of Sea Patrol where they're flawed in every way). Knowing full well that women have at least twice the consumer influence on retail markets than men, advertisers and TV networks develop these male characters for this very reason. Smallville, Supernatural, House, The Shield, Rush, all macho-based dramas, of course, but they were never designed for men because men don't give a shit about buying toiletries, cereals, drapes or whatever the hell else is being advertised during these shows.
There's always a time for being nice, but usually that's at work so you don't get fired, or in front of a magistrate because some pimp beat you up for making a perfectly safe and reasonable proposal to a couple of ungrateful bitches. There's also a time for being bad, mean, crazy, upset, selfish, charitable, scared and brave. But most of all just try being a man who knows when to engage the correct mode of behaviour at the time.
Fuck you, Carlo, I'm taking my business to someone who
appreciates my waders and my needs.
