You Have Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me...

The Sex Detective is an angry man.  That's pretty much his default setting when he's not simply just creepy.  Today I have three things to be unreasonably pissy about: the online products that promise sex, the 'home wrecker' myth, and tacky break-up techniques.  But first my general disclaimer:

1. I have no credible, professional idea how to advise you on your personal or sexual relationship life.
2. That makes me just as qualified to advise you as every professional dating/relationship site on the net.
3. That weird feeling you get whenever you challenge my statements, that's your brain getting off its ass and thinking for itself.

The Sex Detective: often wrong, never silent.

How To Pick Up Women?

Shallow satire and bitter, petty sarcasm are my weapons in a fight against online businesses out there that will make money out of your supposed misery and loneliness.  Misery and loneliness you may not have even realised until a few well placed articles convinced you otherwise.  "Everyone has the right to meet the 'one' for them!"  Says who?  There's no universal justice that dictates every human deserves happiness in love.  That's a Disney movie concept for children.  I'm as horny romantic as the next guy, but like any reasonable adult issued with the standard number of chromosomes, I know damn fucking well that romance - like every other worthwhile pursuit in life - requires hard work, risk-taking and the ability to accept failure as well as success.  Downloadable dating and flirting advice products promise much and deliver little.  They have no accountability or service guarantee.  They do not document statistical success rates, only the same anecdotal testimonies you find in infomercials.  You know, the ones that could well have been copy-written by your mum for 5 cents a word.

Then there's hard storage crap like the "How To Pick Up Women!" dvds, audio discs, books and charts.  "Ten Ways To Guarantee Love!" bullshit.  Or my favourite, "How To Win Back Your Ex!"  Why the fuck would you - I mean, how does that help anyo - Jesus, why not just make emotional denialism an Olympic sport, you dicks.  The alleged authors want to share their colourful, narcississtic experience with you the same way that a Nigerian prince wants to pay you millions to hold onto their Nazi gold via email.  I have actually downloaded and viewed some of these products - always through peer-to-peer networks because fucked if these emotional parasites will see a cent of my money.

Or, for the same $119.95 I can send you a Post-it with the words "Get Over It!"

These 'Slut-hunter' style products all boil down to the same advice for luckless guys: "women will want to sleep with you if you act like a cunt."  I'm sure a certain type of woman will, but only because she can't find anyone to slip her some Rhohypnol.

Beware Ye The Home Wrecker?

The year is 2010.  Twenty-fucking-ten.  I should be writing this from Mars.  But we like to hang onto old ideas because new ideas run the risk of a robopocalyse or gay marriage, which according to the religious right is pretty much the same thing.  And here's an idea that still somehow finds creedence among traditionalist women when it comes to their spouses' adulteries.  Apparently there's a breed of single women out there determined to undermine marriages one penis at a time.  The home wrecker, Jezabel, Succubus, or simply 'the other woman' (TOW).

Your typical home-wrecker, ie: not real.

"My husband was a good man, but she seduced him and tried to ruin our marriage!"

Really?  TOW's have magic powers I wasn't aware of.  They're witches who can cast irresistible love spells.  They're evil geniuses who sit in volcano lairs and plot the sinful demise of your lawful union using boob-mounted mind-control rays.

Or...and I'm just throwing this out there for the sake of argument...or he actually made a conscious decision to plant his dick in a fresh honey pot.  Seriously, do you know how hard it is to seduce an unwilling subject?  That's why rapists carry duct tape instead of candles and flowers.  Consensual sex really does require consent, a deliberate and planned action on the part of both participants.  This means that unless hubby was in a persistent vegetative state with a priapism, it was actually him who tried to ruin your marriage.  He wasn't tricked or hypnotised, or suffering from compulsive infidelity disorder.  His desire to fuck around outweighed his desire to maintain monogamous loyalty, even if just for a few hours.  But please, by all means, continue to direct your jealous rage and injured pride at TOW.  Moron.

Tacky Break-up Tactics

We live in an age where we are literally spoiled for choice when it comes to communication options.  Cell phones, email, SMS, IM, Ratemydickcam ChatRoulette, social network sites, Skype, Twitter, and other forms of telepathy without brains.  These communication formats are brilliant at exchanging rapid, condensed information.

Imagine going to work and finding an email from your boss saying you're fired.  No warning, no meetings, just a 'sorry, we have to let you go' message sitting on your computer.  Dick move, right?  Times that feeling you have by about a hundred, and that's the effect of being dumped by any of the methods mentioned above.  That's not a dick move, it's more like cunt to the power of twat times by whatever previous faith you had in humankind.  That's what electronic communication then becomes, human interaction without the humanity.

You can even save time terminating your intimate relationships with the new

iSuck app from Apple.

When people hear of such occurrences it's easy to talk about 'lack of respect', 'emotional shallowness' or 'possible autism', but to me it comes down to one goddamned thing: good old fashioned balls, or distinct lack thereof.  Outside of serial abuse scenarios (which is an entirely different topic to romantic dissolution) this type of confrontation avoidance denotes inherent cowardice.  I'd hand you a white feather (look it up, Gen Y) but, oh, that's right, you're too busy hiding fucking miles away. 

Full Disclosure: I have never, ever, shied from a face-to-face break-up in my life, be it as dumper or dumpee.  Even when I've been the one completely at fault.  I've been weak and loathsome about plenty of other things, but not that.  Never that.  Anyone who has attempted to send me packing via phone/text/email/magic 8-ball has received a formal request to deliver the news face-to-face, just to give them a second chance at saving face.  And possibly teeth.

Conclusion

There's a good reason my advice posts illustrate men as shallow, alpha beasts and women as malevolent masterminds.  Parody relies on hyperbole and ridiculous extremes.  Women like to feel smart and wise, while guys don't mind being branded as primal retards if it means mitigating their dickish behaviour.  Generalisations and baseless assumptions are the stock and trade of DIY Flirting products.  Just like astrology, you only have to make your claims ambiguous and vague enough for many people to somehow relate it to their own life.  And humans specialise in making shit relevant to themselves, it makes us feel less of a freak.  It also makes us lazy because we want someone else to do the thinking for us.  Why develop our own, individual style of seduction when some self-proclaimed expert can give us "10 Ways To Turn Him On", "7 Mistakes To Avoid On A First Date" or "For Fuck's Sake, Don't Stick It There!"  The truth is, in all the dating scenarios presented, each problem will fall into one of two categories:

1. So fucking obvious and sensible that anyone able to distinguish a penis from a vagina can solve it, or
2. So personal, complex and emotionally convoluted that only you, as a unique individual, can truly undertsand it.

Sex Detective vs Adultery Something Something

I've been pounding some of the mass market relationship columns lately, but the fact is these asinine advice pushers would all have to work real jobs if their clientele weren't so weird or stupid.  Here I have a couple of questions found on http://www.guyspeak.com/.  Guyspeak is a somewhat less offensive relationship advice site in that it offers a panel of consultants who do not profess any expertise other than their own experience.  Each 'guy' is arch-typal, but their responses are typically genuine and often contrary.  My favourites are 'Mystery Man' (brutally abrasive and amoral) and 'Funny Guy' (because Michael Swaim is an established web comedian who otherwise produces hilarious videos).  Today I'll ramble on about some adultery/morality shit.

But first...

Okay, say you meet the girl of your DREAMS. After 2 years of dating, you find out that she was born with a vagina AND a vestigial penis. However, she had the penis removed at birth. She can still have babies. What do you do?

The respondent to this question reassures the contributor that it doesn't matter and that love will out regardless of what secrets come to light in the process of honest disclosure.  I, on the other hand, am just like you.  The term 'vestigial penis' is now imprinted inside my skull, along with 'penile fracture' and 'menopausal anal hair'.  It's in the same part of my brain where those nightmares about clowns from Cirque de Viol lurk, just below my consciousness, always waiting for me to fall sleep.  The rational part of my mind attempts to empathise and placate concern on the basis of not seeming shallow.  Meanwhile, that primal part of me, inherited from a thousand generations of instinctive sexual repulsion, is screaming 'Run!  Run until you find something heavy to hit it with!'.

Then again, she can have babies.  Mutant, tentacle-cunted babies.  Excellent.

Oops, I cheated

My affair of one year was discovered by my hubby of 20 years. My lover and I were going to get divorces and move in together. Now that we are caught, he won't do it. I never thought of leaving before, and with my "out" gone, I've nowhere to go. Why do I still want to leave?

A Guyspeak guy answers this with what is basically 'you're unhappy, otherwise you wouldn't have committed adultery in the first place'.  Fair enough, but surely only politeness restrains him from pointing out the sheer schizophrenic nature of this question.  Within 3 sentences this woman clearly contradicts herself.  But my interest was in the part where she says her lover has chickened out from leaving his own spouse.  This is not uncommon with men who get caught cheating by their wives.  Before you rabid bitches on the sidelines start roaring "the wife should kick his ass to the curb!", shut your holes for a second while I explain how moral power works. 

Morality in Adultery

Relationship morality is enforced by praise (rewards for doing the right thing) and guilt (for when you fuck up in a major way).  Can you imagine how nicer marriages would flow if your partner sat you down once in a while and said "I want to thank you for once again not cheating on or betraying me with anyone else, I really appreciate your committment."?  But pride doesn't let people do that.  They rely too much on trust guilt aversion instead. 

If you are part of that 90% of adulterers stupid enough to get caught cheating then you have just handed your spouse the moral equivalent of a .44 magnum, loaded with very expensive divorce bullets.  In cases of adultery, the only way the guilty party can even begin to hope for a moral resolution is to confess to his actions before their significant ot otherwise finds out.  She'll still be just as pissed, but naughty hubby still retains the remaining moral virtue of remorse through his admission.  If she finds out about his dick crimes against 3rd party vaginas by other means then he's dead in the water.  See, there are two perfectly good reasons why a cunning wife will not simply and reactively divorce a cheating husband: 1) she suddenly gains the balance of moral power over him, and 2) she also gets to show 'that slut' that she is more important to him.  That's 2 wins to her.  Some people forgive, but no one ever forgets.  See, the weakest part of any man is not his cock but his conscience.  It's weak for letting him cheat in the first place, then weak for allowing it to be exploited when the truth comes out.

Monogamy?

Ever had anyone try to tell you that humans are meant to mate for life?  Complete bollocks, of course.  That phenomenon may occur with certain types of bird, but it's irrelevant to us.  You may have noticed that humans tend to operate in pack, tribe, colony or herd groupings.  Group based mammals tend to share sex around.  The alpha male(s) get first crack at the females, but the rest of the males get their turn as well.  That way a herd whose alpha is actually shooting blanks doesn't inadvertently die out.  We are not built for unconditional monogamy, despite what marriage proponents insist. Instead, the best we can morally aim for is serial monogamy.  That's where you have consecutive sex partners without overlap.  We're expected to have more than one shot at a sex-based relationship if necessary.  Even traditional marriage vows state 'until death do us part', allowing widows or widowers to remarry.  Of course, the modern interpretation of that clause is 'until death, divorce or whatever other reason do us part'.  If you and your spouse do manage to keep it together for 60 years with no indiscretions or sexual threats to the relationship then congratulations for finding someone who is as equally sexually repulsive to the rest of the species as you are. 

Bullshit Breakup Advice from dailydate.com

Dating sites are the best.  Despite a 90-95% failure rate, they will go to extremes regarding advice to relate to you and tell you how to handle you're own, miserable life.  Because we're so status obssessed, they invariably use top ten lists, just like music charts and Ikea intructions.  In this particular case, we get to learn the top ten ways to get over a guy who dumps your ass.  Despite the title, half the advice here is geared to getting back at him with passive aggressive relish rather than doing what most health humans should: post break-up you stay the fuck away from each other and cut all ties.  Unless your ex is also your conjoined twin, this is quite achievable and a lot less hassle than adopting [insert teen drama bullshit show] tactics. 

Time for your resident - and magnificently sexy - Sex Detective to break this shit down.

 

Top 10 Ways To Get Over Him

#10: Look Hotter Than Ever

Something about manicures, pedicures and hair styles, because most guys who aren't gay really give a shit about that.

Key quote: When he sees you, he will wonder why you look so amazing and who you’re looking so amazing for.

Or he won't really give a damn.  See, a lot of guys who do the dumping in a relationship do so because they either can't stand you anymore or because they found a better opportunity.  We're kinda dicks that way.  In either case when we see you all dolled up we're just as likely to assume that you're going to a job interview or visiting your pimp.

#9: Hang Out With Lots Of Guys

Nothing overtly sexual or whorish, of course, just surround yourself with beefcake talent.

Key quote: If you want to make sure that he finds out about all your new friends, make sure to head to spots where the two of you used to hang out together or invite some mutual friends out with you.

Aaand the passive aggression begins.  Dailydate.com wants you ladies to fully believe that we're naive fucks just waiting to regret pushing you out the door.  A much more likely reaction when he rolls up to his local and sees you cock-teasing a football team is: 1) Oh fuck, what is she doing here? and 2) She's so bloody desperate to make me jealous that she's actually offering handjobs to every other guy in the bar.  The only thing he'll feel is embarrassed.  For you.

#8: Travel/Leave Town

Apparently if you head off to Mexico for a couple of weeks just after he says he never wants to see you again, he'll 'be tripping'.

Key quote: Of course, that is, if he discovers that you headed out. Those mutual friends tend to come in very handy here.

What I wouldn't give for my exes to leave town!  Or the country!  Or even this mortal coil!  But while you're planning to get taken hostage by Mexican drug cartels, be sure to exploit your network of mutual friends into telling him that you're going away.  That way he can throw a party.

#7: Don't Be Bitter

If talking to mutual friends only say nice things about your ex because you don't want a rep as a whiner.

Key quote: ...say nothing but nice things about him and make sure to point out that it’s better this way, and discuss all the great plans you have now that he’s no longer in your life.

Your friends will be so happy that you're taking the 'high road' after being horribly discarded that they'll hardly comment on your new heroin addiction at all.

So much wrong on one t-shirt.  I can't even discern the gender

of the model.

 

#6: Become Successful

Go back to school.  Get a promotion, or a more rewarding career. 

Key quote: If you work or go to school with someone who knows your ex, word will travel fast about the changes you’re making and the feelings of regret may creep up on him considering how you took a bad situation and turned it into such a great thing.

What?  Why?  How?  Are you trying for some sort of pathetic "he was holding me back anyway" angle here?  This assumes your only motive to actually do something with your life is his opinion of you.  You already know his opinion when he dropped you, surely.  That much should be a bit obvious.

Spray-painting is also a career option .

#5: Make Major Changes In Your Life

Get a room-mate, change addresses, blah-blah-blah, be busy enough not to worry about him.

Key quote: There will be too much going on in the present that you’ll have no choice but to get over him.

Like you have a choice anyway?

#4: Build A Better Body

Start off with hobo parts first, then work your way up to trusting fitness instructors and male strippers.  In no time at all you will have built the perfect replacement.

Key quote: So the next time you run into him and he notices your well-toned arms and mentions them, you can tell him how David, your personal trainer, works you hard so you can achieve the results you want.

Oh, Jesus, it's suddenly become apparent that the author is making sinister references to her own life.  I think we need to warn David.

#3: Enjoy Girls' Nights Out

Go out and party and dance with your girlfriends.

Key quote: Even if he never finds out about your new party girl attitude, the fact that other men are coming onto you and you’re living it up is vengeance enough.

But if he never finds out, how does that qualify as ven- oh fuck it, just go get pissed already.

#2: Erase Him From Memory

You know, get rid of anything that reminds you of him and shit.

Key quote: Both literally and figuratively, you need to eliminate his presence if you really want to get over him.

Dailydate.com is either unfamiliar with the definition of 'literally' or they just gave you the greenlight to murder the fuck out of your ex.

#1: Sleep With Someone Else

Exactly what it says.

Key quote: Although most “experts” would disagree, nothing says “it’s really over” like sleeping with a brand new man.. 

That's right, ladies, these "experts" (or so-called 'psycho-therapists', like that's a real thing) got it wrong.  Grief is cured by a stiff dose of fresh cock.  Or a fresh dose of - look, there really is no way of making this shallow advice any clearer. 

As you can see, this is all a bit bi-polar.  You can move on and start a new life and/or get some payback.  Only it's a bit hard to do the former if you're obssessing on the latter.  The upshoot of all this stylised drivel is based on the old adage: "the best revenge is a perfect life."  How 'figuratively' uplifting, and yet so very 'literally' false.  This may surprise some of you, but it turns out that, by precise definition, the best revenge is...well, revenge.  As a Sex Detective I see the real thing all the time - hate mail, slashed tyres, setting someone up for a beating, and so on.  Okay, so maybe that was just my exes, but revenge is terrifyingly addictive for many spurned women, regardless of our anti-stalking and defamation laws.  Listen, the standard revenge for this situation is very simple: you pick one of his close friends or relatives and you fuck them as indiscreetly as possible.  Sure, it's a social kamikaze move, but it's completely legal.

Also, Beware Ye The Murker

The Problem: Mr Murky
Here's a topic a lot of guys don't like to think about.  A couple months ago I wrote about 'Lurkers' - those pre-existing male friends of girls who got lost in the 'friendzone' but still insist on subversively trying their luck.  Today we discuss something much closer to home, perhaps not as common as the Lurker, but even more insidious: the Murker.

Mate + Lurker = Murker

That's right, it's when a friend of yours becomes inappropriately attracted to your girlie.  Sure, plenty of your mates might think your missus is pretty hot - you secretly want them to anyway because it fuels your pride and reassures your aesthetic judgement.  But the problem arises when one or more of them get it into their disloyal skulls to actually lust after her.

See, this is what normally happens when your friends meet your new bella in all her finery.  Think of the simple male brain as a sexual targeting computer, in which the girl in question is 'Target A'.

TARGET A = HOT
TARGET A = FRIEND'S GIRLFRIEND
TARGET A = INVALID
CYCLE TO NEXT TARGET

That's hopefuly what your friends normally do (often within seconds).  Once they identify and flag a woman as 'invalid' they simply re-focus on other opportunities.

Unfortunately, the Murker gets his programming all fucked up.

TARGET A = HOT
TARGET A = FRIEND'S GIRLFRIEND
*ERROR*ERROR*RESET*
TARGET A = HOT
TARGET A = FRIEND'S GIRLFRIEND
*ERROR*ERROR*RESET*

And so on, meaning that this particular mate has a loop running in his head.  Yes, I mean that head.

"Your missus?  Yeah, she just went that way, dude!"

The Solution: The Code
This is a basic, unspoken yet agreed set of norms shared within an inner circle of close mates.  Women don't really understand it - it's too primitive and controlling to them.  Sorry, ladies, but I challenge any of you to read these rules below and not feel just a little uncomfortable.  These rules serve to protect the integrity of all parties concerned and to prevent ANY misunderstandings, suspicions or doubts.  But just to be clear, The Code applies to your close friends, not hers.  The policing of any potential Lurkers is your responsibility.
Your closest male friends shall:

1. Never spend secluded time (outside of mutually arranged social activities) with your girl without your presence or express permission.  Sure, if you ask your mate to pop round to help her with something while you're otherwise engaged then fine.  But if your mate happens to drop by for a chat with her on a regular basis, knowing you're out, then that's fucking unfine.
2. Never communicate or converse with her without your prior or subsequent knowledge.  It is his loyal duty to report that communication to you as soon as practicable afterwards, even if she asked him to keep it a secret.  Hell, especially if she asked him to keep it a secret.
3. Never be at variance against you in her presence.  In your personal domain and household, you are the alpha male and should be respected as such.  Any mate rude enough to try to meaningfully belittle, ridicule, emasculate or undermine you in your own court deserves contempt*.
4. Never meddle in your sex-based relationships, unless acting so out of true loyalty in order to prevent domestic abuse or protect your dignity in your absence.  If I'm out and I see my friend's girl consenting to sexual behaviour with a third party, contrary to the established and agreed exclusivity of their relationship, no mortal force will impede my right to report to my friend.  Cheating fucking whore that she is.

*Dealing with contempt involves a different targeting computer all together.

Some people won't like what I just wrote.  They'll consider it draconian, paranoid or simply creepy.  But those people don't understand that The Code is about protocols, not morality.  These are boundaries designed to improve trust by avoiding potential risks.  And to test Murkers.  It doesn't have to be fair, bitches, it just has to work.

Now, understand that this applies to actual girlfriends or spouses.  You know, a woman to whom you are officially paired.  Not some chick you've got your eye on or some failed ex you never really got over.  Those scenarios run their own, perilous course of personal emotions which I'm happy to leave in your capable, neurotic hands.

Sex Detective vs Family First & The Sex Party

This is a suggested topic from one of several people who actually and unknowingly inspired the creation of the Sex Detective.  Kudos to you, Gomisan, you magnificent deviant!

Politics sucks.  I'm a social libertarian, which means I want the government to reduce wasting my taxes on shit I don't understand rather than meddling with my personal affairs.  The rights of the individual are paramount, because the individual is the ultimate minority and should be protected without being a pawn.  Politicians weild power without merit, a concept that has become so pervasive that we now have an entire Generation Y that that believe an unmerited sense of entitlement is meant to be the norm.  Hell, if I was still living at home in my 20's, passing unqualified judgments on the rest of the world, I guess I'd feel the same way.

But while the big boy parties are doing the same old clique thing and churning out the usual, highly predictable voter candy, it's the fringe parties that always catch my attention.  They know nothing about economics - the one thing a government must do - but everything about socially stinging issues.  I know fuck all about global economics too, nor do I really comprehend the intricacies of corporate law or foriegn policy.  That's why I'll only focus on the socio-sexual related issues - it's in my mythical job description.  And what better contrast on such matters than these two parties?

FAMILY FIRST
Right off the bat, the mere mention of this party always makes me think of an archaic cult.  Any collective title that includes the word 'Family' but is in fact not an actual family makes me think 'cult'.  Sinister as all hell, and ready to supplant your own hard-earned moral philosophies with their own, pre-fab, middle class ideals.  These people want to be your parents.  You can tell this by the amount of times they use phrases like 'to protect your children'.  Because, you know, it's too confusing for you to be expected to do that yourselves.

Meet FF candidate Bob Day.  He got richer than any 10 of you by monopolising 

the housing industry for years and now likes to strum instead of masturbate.

Euthanasia, assisted suicide, abortion, pornography, same-sex marriage, they have an answer to all these concerns, provided the answer is 'No!'.  "We believe that traditional family values should be the cornerstone of a successful nation."  Which would be great, or even coherent, if I knew what the fuck a 'traditional family value' was.  When I hear that term my mind time-travels back to the 1950's, where we all went to church on Sundays, mum stayed at home cooking and cleaning and self-medicating her way through a loveless marriage, while dad worked 50 hours a week before stroking out.  Also, all our friends and neighbours were embarrassingly white, and the term 'different race' meant someone from a neighbouring European country.

[As a quick aside, I don't think too many of my fellow aussie citizens fully realise that much of western culture still considers Australia to be one of the rascist places in the world.  We have been openly compared by the UN to apartheid-era South Africa.  Then in 1998 we managed to actually enhance this view by coming up with national 'Sorry Day' to somehow atone for a century of systematic racial eugenics.  That's barely a step up from calling it 'Embarrased Shrug Day'.]

Anyway, Family First is really worried about our children, particularly when it comes to the internet.  I'm guessing much of the party are a little unsure on how or why the internet works, so they assume you don't know either. They want tougher censorship and ISP filtering to stop kids watching porn, and to stop adults from watching child porn.  Apparently child pornography is bad.

In fact, that may consider the internet worse than witchcraft if for no other

reason than it's less flammmable

Child pornography is bad!?  I fucking hate anyone with a political agenda when they say that.  Before you start reporting me to your ISP, I'm not talking about the content of that message.  And that's the whole point.  I use to work in child protection, I know exactly how damaging the sexual exploitation of children is.  So does everyone else, you shallow, lazy fucks.  Resorting to this 'begging the question' mentality, where you make a non-arguable moral statement in lieu of a realistic solution, is the lowest of political devices.  Next you'll be inforning us that rape is not cool either, or that clubbing baby seals makes us feel sad.  Censoring the internet on the basis of such rhetoric is pointless.  Worse than pointless.  Kids already have a highly effective filter at home to combat porn access and child predator incursions.  It's called their parents.

Oh, and as for those in your electorate who do support child porn - techno-pedophiles, they don'y give a shit about ISP internet filtering because they don't use it to get their sicko media fix.  They're already subscribed to undernet p2p services and covert, hard storage exchange schemes that are two generations ahead of anything you can throw at them.  You're targeting the wrong market, dickheads, and taking the heat off the real offenders as a result.

Abortion, that old chestnut, the universal point of moral contention.  Are you, the public, pro-choice or ant-choice, or simply too scared to even broach the topic, pussy*?  FF are anti-choice, of course, but try to skirt around the ethics by being pro-adoption.  Only we already have adoption programs and no one disagrees that it's an option.  It's just not the only option.  And while I know that some women really regret having an abortion, other women also regret adopting out a kid too.  No one's saying it's any easy choice, but at least the choice is there. 

But FF have a big problem with the whole pro-choice thing.  They claim unexpectant mothers-to-be lack informed consent when making the decision, or are often coerced into termination procedures by the medical establishment.  Remember all those government Pro-Abortion media campaigns you watch every night?  Didn't think so, but FF is pretty much claiming that.   I think they're under the impression that clinics somehow generate huge profits from dead foetuses or something and that it's all a big conspiracy to accelerate stem cell research.  Also, there's a 1 in 14 000 chance a woman wil suffer adverse medical complications from having an abortion.  That's an unholy rate of 0.007%, making it safer than a tetanus shot or having a couple of stitches sown.  Do you know what is dangerous?  Underground and backyard abortions, just like the ones we'll revert to if you get your way.  We all know the real complications from abortion are emotional.  But I'm afraid that's the price of sexual responsibility, the price of freedom, if you will.

See, there's not really any incentive for women to use abortion as a retroactive contraceptive anymore (though I'm sure a minority still do).  The recent baby bonus payments from the government have done more to reduce abortion rates more than any amount of preaching.  Cynical but true, fools.

* Is it your body in question?  No?  Then fuck off.


AUSTRALIAN SEX PARTY
The Sex Party.  How is that not the coolest name for a political group?  Before I read about them I envisioned tax-exempt dildoes, orgy-based national holidays, and brothels being reclassified as charitable organsisations.  But as far as political parties go, where the wishy-washy lies of the FF lack sense, the brutal honesty of the ASP is a gamble.  It might be just too real for a lot middle-class suburbia to soak up, relying instead on more liberated, sex-savvy Gen X types like myself to carry them over the line.  No offence, middle-class surburbia, but ever since you got funny about me fucking your daughter you can go to hell.

Here's ASP Prez, Fiona Patten.  She's hotter than Family First, gives better head

but can't compete when it comes to sneaky reach-arounds

As far as policies go, they make total sense to anyone who really takes a look at how our society sexually operates.  The sex industry needs to be regulated properly.  Drug use requires more harm minimisation and less punishment for the end-user.  Internet filtering is a disempowering joke that does nothing to educate.  Organised child sex abuse and pornography is a real, insidious thing happening right in this country right now, and needs to be better tackled by law enforcement, especially in semi-protected organisations like churches and state insitutions.  Government should be secular, like in the US only more so.  Expression of sexuality should be a right, not a risk. Same-sex marriages should be recognised under law.

None of this is wrong, not to anyone who knows how humans work.  There's is a list of things that people are going to do regardless of what a government says, so you might as well regulate it.  Let's take traditional crime, shall we.  You can reduce certain, minor crimes either by expending extra resources and personnel on fighting them or by decriminalising them, like we did with cannibas use in SA.  One option costs money, the other generates it.  Decriminalising or legalising things are a great way to address what are ultimately constant yet victimless offences.  Drug use is one.  Sex is another.  And sex is what I'm all about.

Same-sex marriage is a global topic.  All these governments know that it's inevitable, but are unwilling to be the first to take the plunge.  It will happen, and it's not even like the current government here is morally opposed to the concept, they simply can't be fucked dealing with the issue right now.  Instead you get B-grade concessions like 'civil unions' or 'de facto recognition'.  We're slowly getting there, but it's a frustrating process.  Still, 40 years ago it was illegal in my state to engage in homosexual activity.  Then we got a gay premier and things changed.  As we get more and more homosexual (openly so) politicians on board, things will change again for the better.

The sex industry and related adult productions are also gaining better recognition in the last few decades.  Religious based peeps, like Family First, hate this shit in the same way I hate Panic At The Disco - quietly yet vigorously.  They know damn well prostitution outdates any current religion on the planet, and that controlling sex means controlling people.  The Sex Party also knows this, only they know that liberating sexual norms means less tension and stress for everyone.  They also have a great sense of humour, if you care to check out their web flicks.  It's a social libertarian thing - a government either takes control of your life or lets you take control of your own.

The Sex Industry currently lacks regulated quality control, but we're doing

everything we can to fix that. 

Conclusion
The great thing about representative democratic elections is that they're like Choose Your Own Adventure books.

If you want to be Anti-Choice, turn to this page.  If you'd rather be Pro-Choice, there's a whole bunch of specific policy, libertarian parties out there, which means you, as a functional adult, get to choose any fucking page you want!  You know, just like you're meant to.

Sex Detective vs Friends With Benefits

A couple days ago I asked some of my peeps to throw the Sex Detective some questions to answer.  I will endeavour to address each question with a concise post, with the possible exception of my friend Fiona's request which simply read "cheese".  Sorry, Fi, but I can't really help.  Unless you're referring to 'sex-cheese', in which case I now feel nauseous.

Anyway, here's my first repsonse, this one to a cute little redhead in Scotland.

What about whether a "friends with benefits" relationship is ever worth it!   

Short Answer
An FWB is not something you have instead of a worthwhile relationship, it is something you do until you have a worthwhile relationship.

Long Answer
'FWBs', 'fuck buddies', 'that-chick-I-sometimes-put-my-dick-in', whatever term you want to apply to the classic Casual Relationship it usually boils down to the same thing. Two people who previously share some form of social familiarity decide to engage in an informal, sex-based pattern without official committment. As usual, some peers will think this an outrageous, morally indignant idea, while others who are already happy with their lives don't really give a shit. We're all adults here, which means we reserve the right to fuck up our lives as much as the next person.
Why it rocks
Sexual convenience has a lot to offer. You can get your horny needs met without all the other trappings of a formal, sex-based relationship. You can technically fuck other people (your secretary, accountant, wife, etc) without feeling too guilty about it because there is no declared relational ownership made by either party. It's a genital win/win scenario, provided you avoid any real emotional investment, jealousy and exploitation issues within the dynamic.

Why it sucks
The emotional investment, jealousy and exploitation within the dynamic.

You can generate all the denial you want, but it won't save you from human nature. The statistical chance that both parties have the exact (50/50) amount of emotional investment or detachment in any sex-based relationship is remote, even if they have outwardly agreed otherwise. Humans agree to all sorts of shit they don't really mean. Most are pussies who will say anything to avoid sleeping alone every night.

And as for jealousy, well, next time your fuck buddy gives you a booty call, inform them that you're too busy fucking another FWB. I mean, you're just friends, right? You're allowed to have as many friends as you want. Fuckable or otherwise. What's that? They sounded upset when you told them? That's strange, most friends would be happy that you're getting some decent action, surely?

Exploitation is all well and fine provided it's mutually beneficial. FWB relationships are a great way to relieve physical tension and kill time until someone actually attractive comes into your life. And don't try to sell me that shit about "I'm doing the fuck buddy thing because I never want a real relationship." No one under the age of 50 is immune to the infatuation + lust + love = romantic relationship equation. How many people have you been with who have declared they're not into relationships, only to get attached or even married later on? If the answer is equal to or more than one, then I win, suckers. It's not that they don't want to commit, they just don't want to commit with you.

Conclusion
FWB deals work out fine as a temporary arrangement for heaps of people every day. But they can also end disastrously for those who don't make clear and authentic agreements about the non-relationship they they're not having. And the moment you start developing deeper feelings or a sense of attachment to your sex friend you better fess up quick because if you don't then sooner or later you will look like a fucking idiot.

Sex Detective vs The Woman Saver

Meet online expert in online dating and infidelity, Stephany Alexander.  Seriously, Steph, there's a degree for that now?  She's appeared on talk shows and news casts you don't give a shit about to promote whatever it is she sells and to save women from those evil, cheating incubi otherwise known as men.

Here's Steph.  She cares about women.  She doesn't want

them wasting money on bad men.  It cuts into her profit

margin.

Prologue
Before I get into this I want to make a couple of things absolutely clear.  I'm not about condoning or criticising infidelity per se.  That's not my call.  Every occurrence is unique to the individuals involved, and may concern a plethora of emotional, psychological, social and sexual factors blah-blah-blah.  No, what concerns me is how people exploit this all-too-common problem by offering ill-conceived, neurotic instructions on how to counter-attack possible cheaters, as evidenced in my last post.  The advice protrayed on my blog is intentionally satirical and ironic, because humour is the most effective way to present you with the horrible things humans might do to each other in sex-based relationships.  When I was training in Investigative Services (yep, the spoiler is that the Sex Detective has actually been trained in detective work and was even awarded top of his year by the then Minister of Police, so fuck you) there was a common saying among investigators.  Their's is the second oldest profession (after prostitution), and that the first client was a cave woman who suspected Mr Mungo of getting a bit on the side.  The word 'investigator' literally means 'one who seeks the truth'.  Unlike today's subject, I'm not an 'online dating and infidelity expert', but I'm a fucking prodigy when it comes to recognising that easy answers are often the stupidest.

The Sex Detective: clearly a fucking prodigy, and never proven to have

black-mailed the occasional Police Minister.

The Woman Saver
So, Stephany Alexander, what easy answers do you have for all those women who don't know how to think for themselves?

This may come as a complete surprise, but most extramarital affairs are not about sex.

Aaand so it begins.  It might come as a complete surprise to you, Ms Alexander, that sex is exactly what affairs are all about, otherwise it wouldn't be an affair.  I've mentioned this before, but I'm always happy to repeat myself: people do not get upset about their spouse NOT having sex with other people.  At least not to any dramatic degree.  Only infantile control freaks really stress about hubby talking to other people.  He kinda has to do that on a daily basis if he is to function in society.  It's the moment that his interaction becomes sexualised that the worrying starts.

...men don't necessarily always cheat with women who are more attractive than their partners.

This is the typical kind of crap designed to bolster the self-esteem of cheat victims.  The term 'attractive' is a uniquely individual and relative term when it comes to sex-based relationships.  If a cheater chooses to sleep with another woman instead of his spouse then, by fucking definition, he finds that other woman more attractive.  Just because a wife looks hot doesn't mean she's the more attractive option.  I have a beautiful sculpture of a dragon on my shelf, but I challenge anyone with a forensic UV lamp to find more than a couple of cum stains on it.  That tube sock in the corner, however...

Steph has an insightful section explaining the top ten reasons why guys cheat.  It's all rudimentary, obvious stuff that can't be argued with because we've heard it all before a thousand times.  You can read it here if you need a refresher on how much men suck.  Precursing this list, though, is the following, thinly cushioned diatribe:

Almost all men know that cheating is wrong, yet many they still do it. Men will blame their reasons for cheating on their genes and their necessity to reproduce. However, aren't we suppose to be further evolved than a chimp? Shouldn't we be able to control our bodies through our minds and conscious decisions

Cheating is wrong!  What are you, a chimpanzee?  Stop blaming your lecherous ways on some unspecified genetic urge to procreate, Earthling man!  This isn't the Dark-Chimp Ages anymore, penis-weilder, control your body with your mind through your consciousness via your psyche.  Now!

Moral Philosophy for the Indignant & Self Righteous
This is all the simple exploitation of one emotion: jealousy.  Jealousy is the fear of losing something or someone we have gained, as opposed to envy where we desire something/someone gained by another party.  And jealousy has more to do with your personal, moral ambiguity than most people care to admit.  We're less likely to admit that a certain behaviour is morally reprehensible if it benefits us in some way, and far more inclined to take the moral high ground if a behaviour works to our personal disadvantage.  It's easy for crusading salespeople like Stephany to talk about 'right' and 'wrong' or 'good' and 'bad'.  It's a little bit tougher to undertand about moral convenience and inconvenience.

Cheating is a multi-billion dollar business.  Talk shows, reality tv scams and countless web resources like Ms Cumdumpster's here collectively make millions every day on the topic.  Then you get the recent wave of 'peace of mind' services, the retarded, mean-spirited cousins of real investigators who run honey-trap scams.  For a four-figure fee these vampires will wire up and deploy a busty operative to attempt to seduce your partner into a potential sexual indiscretion.  These fucks aren't actually breaking any laws unless physical sexual contact occurs, but the pretense of solicitation still remains, even if it's you paying the bill.  Acting on the premise that disempowered women crave revenge fantasies, such entrapment services succeed by first seducing you, the customer.  Crazy stats on how some men, like your hubby, sometimes want to fuck around, and how the best way to sleep at night is to send in a disingenuous, cock-teasing bitch to chat him up til he admits the fact.  Such professionals are maggots feasting on the diseased, woeful creature that is already your relationship.  Never mind that you could spend a fraction of that money on getting some real, constructive help, say from a qualified relationship counsellor (or savvy lawyer, you're pessimistic).  No, it's far better to feed the fears within your suspicious soul, because believe you me, even if the licenced cock-tease turns up a no-result on that one particular occasion, you'll still have doubts.  I mean, you wouldn't have hired her in the first place unless you already mistrusted your man.  

But we, as a Western culture, love this 'catch the cheater' shit, and here's why. 

In this pic the bike represents infidelity, the crash is the

cheater getting caught.  And the umbrella?  Pure fucking

irony.

Remember being in a school classroom and some poor kid got publicly chastised by the teacher for being naughty?  Remember that sickly sweet feeling you had: on the one hand you felt cringingly embarrassed for the kid, but on the other it was so cool that she/he was having their sins uncomfortably exposed instead of your own?  It's a psychological phenomenon called Schadenfreude, where that less virtuous part of our minds that gets a neurochemical reward for revelling in the misery and discomfort of others.  The really dark part is that our brains get excited about this first, and then we make up reasons to morally justify the pleasure.  You know, just like how a married man meets someone else he fancies and then makes up reasons to try his luck.  It's pre-emptive retribution by proxy, a moral rationalisation for that afore-mentioned and most irrational emotion of all - jealousy.

So, please, check out http://www.womansavers.com/ and wallow in the angst, paranoia and smugness of her site.  Become empowered in the most bitter way possible and victims astound you with sage warnings, cautionary tales and gender cynicism.  Readers will notice that Steph has a huge disclaimer about how all contributions remain the intellectual property of the contributors - that's her free speech escape clause to avoid libel suits, especially in the 'Rate-A-Guy'* section where unhappy women 'out' past dates by posting pictures of guys who turn out to be lying creeps or something.

Epilogue: The Other Woman
Here's a common myth that needs busting wide open.  'She's trying to steal my man!'  Maybe, but also maybe not.  The smarter than average, unmarried woman may develop a discreet, sex-based relationship with a married man because it gives her total control over the affair, allowing her to walk away the moment she gets bored or finds a real love interest.  Married men have a lot to offer in a casual relationship: they tend to be otherwise stable members of society, they're obviously full of excess sexual energy, and most importantly - they're guilty as all hell.  Should he protest the inevitable dissolution of the affair the other woman can, with a single phone call or email, destroy his life with little fallout to her own.  This is mainly because she knows the truth: no man wants to be caught out unless it's on his terms.  And love it or hate it, my friends, this other woman has attained real empowerment.

*not to be confused with the 'Rape-A-Guy' dating site run by the US Dept of Corrections. 

'Ten' Ways to Prove You're a Psycho Bitch

I have no idea how I came across this gem.  I was just trawling through Youtube when it caught my eye.  You should take the time to watch it, especially if you're a married woman who wants every evil thing about husbands confirmed.  It's about how to catch your spouse cheating because, like Katie says, infidelity is on the rise.  Just like she says that over 62% of women think that men cheat more than women, according to an internet survey.  As you well know, internet surveys are the most reliable source of imaginary information, the same way that online petitions save the world all the time.

Now, Katie may look like a cute back-up dancer from 1992, but she's dead serious about her material.  I've summarised her point by point advice below, just so you can see how schizophrenic it really is.

Meet Katie: she's a hot, edgy, unmedicated youtube celebrity, so you

better pay heed, ladies.

Introductory disclaimer:  "Never confront your man and accuse him of cheating unless you have absolute proof."  This advice becomes increasingly ironic as she goes on.

1. Set a trap: 99.9% of men cheat while their partner is away, so pretend that you're heading off for the weekend then wait.  Will he go out all night, or will he invite his mistress over to your home?

SD: Are you seriously suggesting that the wife should park across the street and stake out her own home for an entire weekend?  I can't begin to count the logistic and practical flaws in this plan, you revenge-fantasising bitch.

2.(or 'numero deuce'): Watch his cell phone habits.  Does he leave it off a lot, or return your calls after he called?  Access his cell phone bills to check for repeat numbers and long calls.  Press redial or hash 69.

SD: You're both obssessive and stupid in this one, Katie.  Even if the guy is a cheater, every school kid knows that they will text rather than call their lover because texts are easily deleted and don't show up on phone bills, and that's assuming he's dumb enough not to use his secret second, pre-paid cell phone.

3. Set another trap: set up a fake online profile and try to seduce him.  See if he takes the bait?

SD: Yeah, you should adopt the same healthy strategy as a child sex predator.  Or a spambot.

4. And another trap: Get a girlfriend he doesn't know to wear a wire then try to seduce him.

SD: Because hiring a hooker for him is just immoral, right?  I can't stand this whole entrapment routine, especially when some PI agencies out there are charging top dollar to run these scams.  The only thing worse than those parasites is the fact you want to debase an actual friend by drawing them into your bullshit.  See, Katie, one of three things will happen in this scenario: your friend will succeed but not fuck him, in which case he didn't technically commit adultery anyway; your friend will succeed and fuck him, giving you 2 people to hate instead of one, or; your friend will fail and when hubby inevitably finds out about the scam he will bury both of you beneath a construction site.

5. Beware of his friends: they will lie for him and create alibis out of loyalty.

SD: Sure, maybe, but enforcing the mindset that 'my husband's friends are all assholes' is hardly conducive to tackling trust issues.

6. Monitor computer useage: Check his browser history, any free email accounts, how much time he spends online, whether or not he visits chatrooms.  Also, install a keylogger program to check all his keystrokes, but only install it on your own machine because otherwise it's illegal (wink wink).

SD: Huh? What sort of fucktard would use his wife's computer to conduct an affair?  The same 0.1% of guys who invite their lovers over when the missus hasn't gone away for the weekend, I guess.  And any dude who is tech literate enough to manage his affair online is pretty sure to notice when new and highly instrusive software has been added to his system.  Once gain you've made a classic mistake, Katie, in assuming that 'cheating male' is the same as 'congenital idiot'.

7. Monitor his driving habits for a month: create your own calendar to track his driving for 4 weeks - his odometer readings, gas receipts, any payslips for cliams of him doing overtime.  That way you can check to see if his stories match his mileage.

SD: ... sounds like a reasonable and productive use of your time...

9: GPS: Place a GPS tracker in his car so you can monitor his whereabouts at all times.

SD: Just like in the police shows.  Excellent.

10: Ask him to take a lie detector test: They're quite affordable.  Just script 10 yes/no questions and have him sit the test.

SD: How is forcing some poor schlub to be strapped to the provably most antiquated and least reliable form of deception detection NOT accusing him of cheating without absolute proof?  This approach is exactly what you do if you want to accuse someone before you get absolute proof.  For a start there are very sound reasons why lie-detectors (especially the crappy store-bought ones used by civilian businesses) are inadmissable in court, and that anyone who does want to seriously apply technology to deception exposure will use fMRI profiling instead.  And even that is not admissable, although extremely expensive.

Also, you promised me 10 symptoms of paranoid psychosis, and I only count nine.  What happened to number Eight?  Maybe it was way too grown up and rational for you (eg: "suggest relationship counselling to resolve trust issues") so you cut it out.

I'd love to heap more criticism on Katie's advice on "how to stalk your own husband while nurturing a personality disorder", but a little more research revealed that she's just a pawn in a larger game played out by a woman named Stephany Alexander - yet another proclaimed expert in affairs of the heart.  Congrats, Steph, you have just gained the Sex Detective's undivided attention.

To Be Continued...

The Sex Detective's Obligatory Twilight Saga Post

Okay, so here's something I don't know that much about.  I've watched the 3 films but not read the books.  Still, any blogger who's heard about this stuff has already said their piece so now it's my turn.  Stephanie Meyer's cautionary tale for Mormon virgins has taught me 3 vital plot points (warning: spoliers ahead).

The broody, vampire-looking kid is actually...a vampire!

The conflicted, topless guy is actually...not gay!

(And also a werewolf)

Vampires are actually made out of...what the fuck

is that gooey, white shit anyway?  Corn flour mixed

with goat semen?

I enjoyed the third movie the most, mainly because there's a big rumble at the end.  Giant cartoon wolves and skinny, pasty people smashing the crap out of each other, a maelstrom of CGI/wire-fighting carnage.  Didn't really pay much attention aside from that: something about a red head making an army, wolves and vampires being friends, and Bella pashing anything less than human.  Oh, and exposition, lots of back-story stuff from characters you'd otherwise have trouble remembering.  Apparently Jasper became a vamp while rigorously avoiding the Civil War along with the rest of Texas (look it up, they did pretty much nothing the whole time).  Some other Cullen chick (you know, the blonde one no one likes or cares about) explains she's so bitter because she was gang-raped a hundred years ago then chose vampirism because therapy hadn't been invented.  Also, the local Native Americans tell of how they turn traditional animistic beliefs into a literal joke by claiming they had always been shape-shifters.

But this wouldn't be my blog if I didn't ask (and then arrogantly presume to answer) some of the tough questions.

What's with the hospital scene near the end of Twilight?

Bella wakes up after being smacked down in a vampire fight to find Edward dozing in a chair beside her.  It was made abundantly clear that vampires don't sleep, people.  They don't even pretend to have beds.  I can only assume he was pretending so he didn't have to speak to the girl that was ruining his life/death.

pants? Pants? PANTS? (New Moon/Eclipse)

No one has satisfactorily explained to me what happens to werewolf pants after they change back into human form.  'Thousands of pants hidden around the forest,' is the only answer I can offer.  Other people have tried telling me that in the books the werewolves kinda maybe tie their pants around their legs when not in use.  Huh?  This would have to happen either before the transformation, in the hope that the change doesn't cause the binding to break or slip off, or afterwards, in which case how does a wolf tie anything to anything.  Either way, how stupid would you look if you pounced into battle with a pair of cut-down Levis flapping off your hind leg?

Powers of the mind? (New Moon)

In the second film Bella and Alice race to Italy to tell Edward that his true love isn't dead.  Why not just tell him from home?  Okay, I know that Eddie has trouble reading Bella's mind for no sensible reason, but everyone knows that Edward and Alice can communicate telepathically.  We also know there's no real range limit to this power, as shown in Eclipse.

Vampire sex? (alluded to in Eclipse)

At some point Bella tells Ed that she wants some boning.  He says he's happy to oblige, but warns that he'll probably pound that pussy into squid-bait due to him being superhuman.  Now, it's not bad enough that vamps are room-temperature cold at the best of times, but they also don't have any blood coursing through their veins, which usually kinda helps if you want to stand to attention.  This one stumped me for a few seconds until the answer became obvious: trans-vampiric priapism.  When you get turned into a vamp you are cursed with an eternal, undead boner.  You just tape it to your stomach until some teenage virgin begs for that icy shaft.

How cool does that scene where the bad vampires rise out of the water look? (Eclipse)

Hella cool.  In fact, so cool that you'd hardly think Pirates of the Carribean did it at all.  But here's what I don't get.  Walking under water is literally the slowest means of getting anywhere ever, with the possible exception of swimming through concrete.  No wonder the Cullens had four days notice of the attack.

Charm vs Imprinting? (Twilight/Eclipse)

It's bad enough that a vampire can charm teenage girls (according to Edward) more effectively than a Vodka Cruiser made out of Rohypnol.  But then Jake the Wonder Dog hits us with this soul-mate 'imprinting' crap.  When not bastardised into a 'werewolf's immutable shag slave' context, imprinting is actually a valid biological term.  When baby ducklings hatch they tend to imprint the image of their mother into their tiny minds, compelling them to follow her everywhere. If mummy duck is absent at the hatching, the fluffy buggers will instead imprint with whatever happens to be around at the time - a dog, a cat, a kettle, whatever.

Adorable, until Rex remembers he's a carnivore.

At least the writers modified their disgustingly rapey version of this process to only apply to adults.  I mean, Jesus, can you imagine if - what's that?  Read the synopsis of Breaking Dawn?  Well, sure, I guess I can spare a couple of minutes to..............................OH. DEAR. GOD!