'Ten' Ways to Prove You're a Psycho Bitch

I have no idea how I came across this gem.  I was just trawling through Youtube when it caught my eye.  You should take the time to watch it, especially if you're a married woman who wants every evil thing about husbands confirmed.  It's about how to catch your spouse cheating because, like Katie says, infidelity is on the rise.  Just like she says that over 62% of women think that men cheat more than women, according to an internet survey.  As you well know, internet surveys are the most reliable source of imaginary information, the same way that online petitions save the world all the time.

Now, Katie may look like a cute back-up dancer from 1992, but she's dead serious about her material.  I've summarised her point by point advice below, just so you can see how schizophrenic it really is.

Meet Katie: she's a hot, edgy, unmedicated youtube celebrity, so you

better pay heed, ladies.

Introductory disclaimer:  "Never confront your man and accuse him of cheating unless you have absolute proof."  This advice becomes increasingly ironic as she goes on.

1. Set a trap: 99.9% of men cheat while their partner is away, so pretend that you're heading off for the weekend then wait.  Will he go out all night, or will he invite his mistress over to your home?

SD: Are you seriously suggesting that the wife should park across the street and stake out her own home for an entire weekend?  I can't begin to count the logistic and practical flaws in this plan, you revenge-fantasising bitch.

2.(or 'numero deuce'): Watch his cell phone habits.  Does he leave it off a lot, or return your calls after he called?  Access his cell phone bills to check for repeat numbers and long calls.  Press redial or hash 69.

SD: You're both obssessive and stupid in this one, Katie.  Even if the guy is a cheater, every school kid knows that they will text rather than call their lover because texts are easily deleted and don't show up on phone bills, and that's assuming he's dumb enough not to use his secret second, pre-paid cell phone.

3. Set another trap: set up a fake online profile and try to seduce him.  See if he takes the bait?

SD: Yeah, you should adopt the same healthy strategy as a child sex predator.  Or a spambot.

4. And another trap: Get a girlfriend he doesn't know to wear a wire then try to seduce him.

SD: Because hiring a hooker for him is just immoral, right?  I can't stand this whole entrapment routine, especially when some PI agencies out there are charging top dollar to run these scams.  The only thing worse than those parasites is the fact you want to debase an actual friend by drawing them into your bullshit.  See, Katie, one of three things will happen in this scenario: your friend will succeed but not fuck him, in which case he didn't technically commit adultery anyway; your friend will succeed and fuck him, giving you 2 people to hate instead of one, or; your friend will fail and when hubby inevitably finds out about the scam he will bury both of you beneath a construction site.

5. Beware of his friends: they will lie for him and create alibis out of loyalty.

SD: Sure, maybe, but enforcing the mindset that 'my husband's friends are all assholes' is hardly conducive to tackling trust issues.

6. Monitor computer useage: Check his browser history, any free email accounts, how much time he spends online, whether or not he visits chatrooms.  Also, install a keylogger program to check all his keystrokes, but only install it on your own machine because otherwise it's illegal (wink wink).

SD: Huh? What sort of fucktard would use his wife's computer to conduct an affair?  The same 0.1% of guys who invite their lovers over when the missus hasn't gone away for the weekend, I guess.  And any dude who is tech literate enough to manage his affair online is pretty sure to notice when new and highly instrusive software has been added to his system.  Once gain you've made a classic mistake, Katie, in assuming that 'cheating male' is the same as 'congenital idiot'.

7. Monitor his driving habits for a month: create your own calendar to track his driving for 4 weeks - his odometer readings, gas receipts, any payslips for cliams of him doing overtime.  That way you can check to see if his stories match his mileage.

SD: ... sounds like a reasonable and productive use of your time...

9: GPS: Place a GPS tracker in his car so you can monitor his whereabouts at all times.

SD: Just like in the police shows.  Excellent.

10: Ask him to take a lie detector test: They're quite affordable.  Just script 10 yes/no questions and have him sit the test.

SD: How is forcing some poor schlub to be strapped to the provably most antiquated and least reliable form of deception detection NOT accusing him of cheating without absolute proof?  This approach is exactly what you do if you want to accuse someone before you get absolute proof.  For a start there are very sound reasons why lie-detectors (especially the crappy store-bought ones used by civilian businesses) are inadmissable in court, and that anyone who does want to seriously apply technology to deception exposure will use fMRI profiling instead.  And even that is not admissable, although extremely expensive.

Also, you promised me 10 symptoms of paranoid psychosis, and I only count nine.  What happened to number Eight?  Maybe it was way too grown up and rational for you (eg: "suggest relationship counselling to resolve trust issues") so you cut it out.

I'd love to heap more criticism on Katie's advice on "how to stalk your own husband while nurturing a personality disorder", but a little more research revealed that she's just a pawn in a larger game played out by a woman named Stephany Alexander - yet another proclaimed expert in affairs of the heart.  Congrats, Steph, you have just gained the Sex Detective's undivided attention.

To Be Continued...