Also, Beware Ye The Murker

The Problem: Mr Murky
Here's a topic a lot of guys don't like to think about.  A couple months ago I wrote about 'Lurkers' - those pre-existing male friends of girls who got lost in the 'friendzone' but still insist on subversively trying their luck.  Today we discuss something much closer to home, perhaps not as common as the Lurker, but even more insidious: the Murker.

Mate + Lurker = Murker

That's right, it's when a friend of yours becomes inappropriately attracted to your girlie.  Sure, plenty of your mates might think your missus is pretty hot - you secretly want them to anyway because it fuels your pride and reassures your aesthetic judgement.  But the problem arises when one or more of them get it into their disloyal skulls to actually lust after her.

See, this is what normally happens when your friends meet your new bella in all her finery.  Think of the simple male brain as a sexual targeting computer, in which the girl in question is 'Target A'.

TARGET A = HOT
TARGET A = FRIEND'S GIRLFRIEND
TARGET A = INVALID
CYCLE TO NEXT TARGET

That's hopefuly what your friends normally do (often within seconds).  Once they identify and flag a woman as 'invalid' they simply re-focus on other opportunities.

Unfortunately, the Murker gets his programming all fucked up.

TARGET A = HOT
TARGET A = FRIEND'S GIRLFRIEND
*ERROR*ERROR*RESET*
TARGET A = HOT
TARGET A = FRIEND'S GIRLFRIEND
*ERROR*ERROR*RESET*

And so on, meaning that this particular mate has a loop running in his head.  Yes, I mean that head.

"Your missus?  Yeah, she just went that way, dude!"

The Solution: The Code
This is a basic, unspoken yet agreed set of norms shared within an inner circle of close mates.  Women don't really understand it - it's too primitive and controlling to them.  Sorry, ladies, but I challenge any of you to read these rules below and not feel just a little uncomfortable.  These rules serve to protect the integrity of all parties concerned and to prevent ANY misunderstandings, suspicions or doubts.  But just to be clear, The Code applies to your close friends, not hers.  The policing of any potential Lurkers is your responsibility.
Your closest male friends shall:

1. Never spend secluded time (outside of mutually arranged social activities) with your girl without your presence or express permission.  Sure, if you ask your mate to pop round to help her with something while you're otherwise engaged then fine.  But if your mate happens to drop by for a chat with her on a regular basis, knowing you're out, then that's fucking unfine.
2. Never communicate or converse with her without your prior or subsequent knowledge.  It is his loyal duty to report that communication to you as soon as practicable afterwards, even if she asked him to keep it a secret.  Hell, especially if she asked him to keep it a secret.
3. Never be at variance against you in her presence.  In your personal domain and household, you are the alpha male and should be respected as such.  Any mate rude enough to try to meaningfully belittle, ridicule, emasculate or undermine you in your own court deserves contempt*.
4. Never meddle in your sex-based relationships, unless acting so out of true loyalty in order to prevent domestic abuse or protect your dignity in your absence.  If I'm out and I see my friend's girl consenting to sexual behaviour with a third party, contrary to the established and agreed exclusivity of their relationship, no mortal force will impede my right to report to my friend.  Cheating fucking whore that she is.

*Dealing with contempt involves a different targeting computer all together.

Some people won't like what I just wrote.  They'll consider it draconian, paranoid or simply creepy.  But those people don't understand that The Code is about protocols, not morality.  These are boundaries designed to improve trust by avoiding potential risks.  And to test Murkers.  It doesn't have to be fair, bitches, it just has to work.

Now, understand that this applies to actual girlfriends or spouses.  You know, a woman to whom you are officially paired.  Not some chick you've got your eye on or some failed ex you never really got over.  Those scenarios run their own, perilous course of personal emotions which I'm happy to leave in your capable, neurotic hands.