The broody, vampire-looking kid is actually...a vampire!
The conflicted, topless guy is actually...not gay!
(And also a werewolf)
Vampires are actually made out of...what the fuck
is that gooey, white shit anyway? Corn flour mixed
with goat semen?
I enjoyed the third movie the most, mainly because there's a big rumble at the end. Giant cartoon wolves and skinny, pasty people smashing the crap out of each other, a maelstrom of CGI/wire-fighting carnage. Didn't really pay much attention aside from that: something about a red head making an army, wolves and vampires being friends, and Bella pashing anything less than human. Oh, and exposition, lots of back-story stuff from characters you'd otherwise have trouble remembering. Apparently Jasper became a vamp while rigorously avoiding the Civil War along with the rest of Texas (look it up, they did pretty much nothing the whole time). Some other Cullen chick (you know, the blonde one no one likes or cares about) explains she's so bitter because she was gang-raped a hundred years ago then chose vampirism because therapy hadn't been invented. Also, the local Native Americans tell of how they turn traditional animistic beliefs into a literal joke by claiming they had always been shape-shifters.
But this wouldn't be my blog if I didn't ask (and then arrogantly presume to answer) some of the tough questions.
What's with the hospital scene near the end of Twilight?
Bella wakes up after being smacked down in a vampire fight to find Edward dozing in a chair beside her. It was made abundantly clear that vampires don't sleep, people. They don't even pretend to have beds. I can only assume he was pretending so he didn't have to speak to the girl that was ruining his life/death.
pants? Pants? PANTS? (New Moon/Eclipse)
No one has satisfactorily explained to me what happens to werewolf pants after they change back into human form. 'Thousands of pants hidden around the forest,' is the only answer I can offer. Other people have tried telling me that in the books the werewolves kinda maybe tie their pants around their legs when not in use. Huh? This would have to happen either before the transformation, in the hope that the change doesn't cause the binding to break or slip off, or afterwards, in which case how does a wolf tie anything to anything. Either way, how stupid would you look if you pounced into battle with a pair of cut-down Levis flapping off your hind leg?
Powers of the mind? (New Moon)
In the second film Bella and Alice race to Italy to tell Edward that his true love isn't dead. Why not just tell him from home? Okay, I know that Eddie has trouble reading Bella's mind for no sensible reason, but everyone knows that Edward and Alice can communicate telepathically. We also know there's no real range limit to this power, as shown in Eclipse.
Vampire sex? (alluded to in Eclipse)
At some point Bella tells Ed that she wants some boning. He says he's happy to oblige, but warns that he'll probably pound that pussy into squid-bait due to him being superhuman. Now, it's not bad enough that vamps are room-temperature cold at the best of times, but they also don't have any blood coursing through their veins, which usually kinda helps if you want to stand to attention. This one stumped me for a few seconds until the answer became obvious: trans-vampiric priapism. When you get turned into a vamp you are cursed with an eternal, undead boner. You just tape it to your stomach until some teenage virgin begs for that icy shaft.
How cool does that scene where the bad vampires rise out of the water look? (Eclipse)
Hella cool. In fact, so cool that you'd hardly think Pirates of the Carribean did it at all. But here's what I don't get. Walking under water is literally the slowest means of getting anywhere ever, with the possible exception of swimming through concrete. No wonder the Cullens had four days notice of the attack.
Charm vs Imprinting? (Twilight/Eclipse)
It's bad enough that a vampire can charm teenage girls (according to Edward) more effectively than a Vodka Cruiser made out of Rohypnol. But then Jake the Wonder Dog hits us with this soul-mate 'imprinting' crap. When not bastardised into a 'werewolf's immutable shag slave' context, imprinting is actually a valid biological term. When baby ducklings hatch they tend to imprint the image of their mother into their tiny minds, compelling them to follow her everywhere. If mummy duck is absent at the hatching, the fluffy buggers will instead imprint with whatever happens to be around at the time - a dog, a cat, a kettle, whatever.
Adorable, until Rex remembers he's a carnivore.
At least the writers modified their disgustingly rapey version of this process to only apply to adults. I mean, Jesus, can you imagine if - what's that? Read the synopsis of Breaking Dawn? Well, sure, I guess I can spare a couple of minutes to..............................OH. DEAR. GOD!
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