Kidd and the Fairy Witch

Once upon a time I was sitting at my work desk when a pregnant colleague of mine informed me that people could buy spells on eBay.  Naturally my initial reaction was to dismiss this as the hormonal ravings I associate with every pregnant chick, but she insisited that magick was now an online transaction, just like psychic readings and other legitimate forms of retard exploitation.  Okay, crazy breeder, I relented, I'll look into it.  After all the Sex Detective has a moral responsibility to investigate all fictional crimes against reality.

I went to eBay, typed the word 'spells' into the searchie and here's what I found:

Not a spell book, mind you, or even a magic scroll, but an actual spell that gets cast (once payment is confirmed) by some coven's high priestess half way across the world.  That's why there's no postage or handling fees.  I'm not overly sure what constitutes a powerful lottery money spell, but the lottery in question uses number-stamped Mentos instead of ping-pong balls for some reason.

But what if I'm not looking to cheat at lotto?  Maybe I want something less greedy and more personally satisfying without working hard to get it?  The Fairy Witch Coven can help.  Sure, they're named after two imaginary things, but that just makes them twice as powerful as your conventional witch or fairy things.  Established in "the early 16th Century", these ladies survived all sorts of challenges and persecution to bring you nothing but the best in online magicking.  But don't just take my word for it, look above: see, someone's already bought one of these lotto-strike spells.  Lucky there's 'more than 10' available, although when your product is mainly just a few spoken words of gibberish you effectively have an inexhaustable number left.  These women may not have cottoned onto the concept of supply and demand yet.  Anyway, let's see how else a Witch Fairy spell can improve your life.  The choices are easily identifiable by their associated photo.

Or maybe not.  When I saw this while thinking of witchcraft I assumed 'witch stealing baby-trade', but turns out to be a Fertility spell.  According to the blurb: "Pure white fertility and protection - this powerful cast is ideal for pcos, ivf, low sperm and a lot more." 

I have a lot of trouble with the term "Pure white fertility", but there may be well-founded reasons for why Fairy Witches and Smurf Warlocks are so racially exclusive.

This for the Real Love spell: "Life is too short to live alone - this powerful cast will attract the most caring, genuine lover that you have always wanted and deserve."

Life is too short to live alone?  Sounds almost sinister and a little depressing to me.  Wouldn't a longer life just mean more loneliness if you didn't fork out 9 bucks for this spell?  I dunno, I'm no expert of love spells - too busy getting laid, I guess.

And now for the Forbidden Love spell: "Bring your love out of the shadows - make those long weekends and holidays alone a thing of the past - ideal for same sex, love triangles and a lot more."

Jeez, you people are really relying on my being lonely at Christmas time aren't you?  Though I am glad you're cool with the whole gay thing despite your strict racial policies.  And I'm going to read your 'love triangles' phrase as 'the threesome I've always begged my girlfriends for'.

Ah, the good ol' Return Love spell: "Back in your arms where they belong - make those long weekends and holidays alone a thing of the past - ideal for returning the love of your life and more."

Using occult forces to force your ex back into whatever fucked up relationship she left always works out well, especially for widows and widowers.  Fairy Witches, putting the 'romance' back into necromancer, you sick, twisted fucks.  And stop reminding me about all those socially isolatist public holidays!

Beauty spell: "Restore radiance and beauty - this powerful cast is ideal for skin blemishes, acne, light scars, stretch marks and a lot more."

Note that this supernatural skin treatment only works on 'light scars', so don't go thinking you can get your circumcision reversed, okay?

When I saw the image for this one I cried "Yes, at last!  A boobie spell!  Now, do I need to order one for each boob, or do..." then I read further and discovered it to be a boring old Weight Loss spell.

"Tried every diet but just cannot shift those extra pounds - this powerful cast is ideal for under active thyroid, post natal bumps and a lot more."

So, the idea is to get a fertility spell, then this one for whatever the hell 'post-natal bumps' are (spoiler, it's your enlarged, thrashed out uterus, so get an anti-stretch mark spell too just to be safe).

"Beautiful handmade jewelry - powerful protection spell cast amulet bracelet."

Whoa, hang on, this is a real, tangible thing, which would explain why, unlike a nine dollar casting, it costs... fifty fucking euro!  That's like seventy Aussie dollars!  It's hand-made jewelry, so you can bet your ass it's devoid of any actual jewels, and god knows why it has pictures of really depressed looking women painted on it.  That's the kind of gift you give a school girl to celebrate teen suicide.

Also, you've made it clear that a 'powerful protection spell' has been somehow magically installed on this emo trinket, but haven't clarified the type.  WHAT DOES IT PROTECT US FROM?  Acne?  Carpel tunnel?  The rest of your pretendy spells?  Those commercially competitive Goblin Wizards? For fifty fucking euro it better at least reduce my hayfever, Fairy Witches, or there's gonna be a few pitch forks and torches heading your way, that's for damn sure.