There's nothing particularly rational about emotionally co-dependent, sex-based relationships. No one (who isn't a sociopath) decides one day to suddenly feel 'that spark' when they connect romantically with another person. There's a whole lot of subconscious, biological shit going on to do with oxytocin, dopamine receptors, pyscho-visual cross-referencing and invisibly stinky pheromones when you start crushing. All that stuff culminates, hopefully, in you falling in love then boning each other senseless for a few months. But those chemical highs are a short-term buzz, there to encourage you to spend an obscene amount of time together so that when it wears off you're already addicted to each other. And it's just as well that euphoria slackens off, otherwise, as a species, we would be too busy making babies to look after babies.
But like I said, long-term love isn't always the outcome, and one day you may just wake up feeling decidedly rational about something as irrational as a romantic relationship, and start thinking that your partner isn't someone you want in your life forever. If that's the case then your creepy, neighbourhod Sex Detective has a few factors for you to keep in mind as you psych yourself up to end things with them once and for all.
Not a big fan of the C-word? That's okay, I forgive you.
1. Thou shalt be a cunt
Surprisingly, very few people feel all that good about breaking someone else's heart. Not regarding the decision itself - they're fine with that bit - but the process involved. I get bizarre questions from otherwise smart adults like, "I want to dump her but how do I do that without looking like an asshole?"
The first thing you must accept if you choose to dump someone is that you will look like an asshole when you deliver the news. No exceptions. Ever. It doesn't matter how well reasoned you think your justification is, the other party will feel that you just wronged them. If you consciously try to look less like an asshole in the process you will just end up coming across as a weasly, patronising asshole. Which is even worse. You must accept the fact that as far as the dumpee, their friends and their family are concerned, you suck balls.
And don't for a second think you've escaped this bitterness "because they seemed cool with it when I ran it past them" bullshit. The only reason they played it cool was to try to save face, idiot, not to spontaneously agree that they aren't good enough for you.
Embrace being the cunt, though, instead of fighting it. It will actualy be your best tool later on.
2. Thou shalt be cruel
Another even more baffling question I've heard is, "How do I break up without hurting her feelings?"
The same way you break an egg without cracking the shell, moron. Impossible.
Most Earth-humans with even a shred of self-esteem feel hurt when they get rejected. When you dump someone you take that one step further by rejecting someone you already previously accepted. So it's kinda like rejection squared to the power of dump. Compare punching someone in the face with punching them in the balls. One is worse than the other, right? Well, dumping someone who's actually in love with you is more like grabbing the back of their head and using that to punch their own balls.
Listen, if you are too afraid of hurting your partner's feelings then you probably don't have much reason for being in a serious relationship in the first place. Feelings get bruised all the time between people who share a close, intimate relationship, often unintentionally. And even if you were somehow able to miraculously dump someone without hurting their feels then either they're a sex robot or you haven't really broken up with them at all.
"Sex Robot, we need to talk..."
3. Thou shaly be a cruel cunt
One fantastically sinister thing about us humans is that most of our emotion-based decisions occur subconsciously a few moments before we consciously think of them. All our conscious mind does in these scenarios is seek mental justifications for that decision after the fact. Intellectually and technically we're the masters of the biological hierarchy, but emotionally we're still reactive mammals. IQ just let's us come up with fancier excuses for our moody actions.
The point I'm reaching for is that your decision to end a relationship has probably been brewing for a while, and that only a lazy habit cycle and the other person's expectations have barred you from giving it serious and full consideration before. But now your mind is made up. No negotiation, no counselling, just you serving a subpoena to Dump Court. Well, if that's how you feel then that's okay. And as I've said, there's no nice way this shit is going to go down. So if you can't do it nicely, make fucking sure you do it effectively. Now is not the time for doubt or ambiguity. If it was you'd be looking for the means of resolution, not dissolution.
Firstly, you have to be prepared to feel extremely uncomfortable. Your soon-to-be-ex is going to run either hot - screaming tears and shitfits - or cold - numb surrender, possibly masked by babbling always fake agreeance. You know it's not real agreeance because if it was they would have dumped your ass first, dickhead.
4. Thou shalt be a cruel, crystal clear and concise cunt
If you just hung up the phone or arrived back home thinking "Shit, that went well," then you've obviously just failed at breaking up. People who are in love with you have their own 'irrational justification machine' in their head. It's called false hope, and unless you stated your case very clearly to them they will just think you're not being serious. Also, if you use pussy terms like "I need my own space" instead of real imperatives like "I want you the fuck out of my life, you soul draining mouth-breather", they will just think that all this is a hiatus until you 'find yourself' or similar hippie bullshit.
45 reasons? More like '1 reason' repeated 44 times.
That being said, breaking up is the one time you must rely on emotional arguments instead of logical ones. The moment you start listing technical faults with the relationship ("I don't like the way you talk about my cat," "Your eating habits turn my stomach," or "Your constant fisting of my sister really grates me.") you open up apologetic debate, with your target now promising to clean up their act and stop wearing their Sister Fister T-shirt. Those sorts of discussions can go on for hours while the dumpee deconstructs the relational history to scavenge verbal ammo and launch counter-attacks. In other words, they will try to coerce this confrontation into 'just another fight' that all couples have.
But the truth is that the moment you walked through that door or made that call you were no longer a couple.
Do you know what the one thing is that your redundant partner can't argue with? How you feel. There's a strange, intrinsic vs extrinsic emotional dichotomy in us that goes something like this: only I can make myself happy, no one else; however, other people can quite readily make me feel unhappy. As an example, see that look on your ex's face just as you dumped her? That's you making her feel unhappy. And that sense of overwhelming relief coursing through your brain now that you've ended things? That's you making yourself happy, even if you had to be cruel to get there.
So, just keep it simple and full of statements. "I am breaking up with you," is always a good start, as is "This relationship between you and me? Over." In response to the next inevitable question ("Why, dear god, why?") reply with "Becuase I no longer love/care about/trust/even remotely tolerate you." "Because the mere sight of you makes me vomit," is also effective, but be prepared to back it up with actual puking. Nobody can argue with optical-reactive vomiting.
Then there's the nuclear armageddon reason, the one that maximises both harm and effctiveness: "I've fallen in love with somebody else." Hell, I've deployed that statement before even though it was untrue, simply because I know it works. I've even had the bruises to prove it.
Don't be afraid to repeat and reinforce your intent either. Some dumpees will strive to wear you down into a state where retracting your decision seems easier than executing it. Don't bitch out. It won't change how you feel, and unless you think pity is a solid foundation for a loving relationship, things are still doomed.
Visual aids also help to get the message across. Expedite the
process by slapping this sticker on his/her car window or front
door.
The Aftermath
Dennis Leary said it best when asked how he made his marriage work for so long with his wife: "We stay the fuck away from each other." The only exceptions to this rule involved eating and sleeping together. When you break up with someobe you simply subtract those two activities as well. But there will always be circumstances where you and the dumpee have made that particular advice difficult. In fact, there are 4 levels of relational intensity that make going your separate ways increasingly difficult:1. Boyfriend/Girlfriend
The nature of your relationship was pretty much the same as one in highschool: you sleep together and do things together but you don't live together. Breaking up with someone under these circumstances is by far the easiest because you have geography on your side. Oh, and as a tip, if they have anything of yours at the time of break-up, things that you really want to get back, then you're a moron. Either let them keep (read: destroy) whatever it is or reclaim it surreptiously before you drop the bomb.
2. Housemate couple
You live togther, sharing the rent on a place. Inconvenient when it comes to Operation: Dump, but still not very arduous in terms of process. Obviously one of you needs to move out. Pronto. If you're the dumper then you've already made preliminary plans to either buy out their half of the bond or to sacrifice your half if needs be. Also be sure to protect your stuff. Even the most reasonable, logical person can become a seething glob of hate-filled pus and bile when rejected by someone who previously claimed to love them. There is no such thing as maturity of emotion when dumped, only maturity of behaviour, and that can fluctuate like hell.
3. De-facto/Married couple
So, you've married the boy/girl of your dreams, but they turned out to be a nightmare because the marriage occurred in your 20's when you still clung to ideals and delusions of eternal happiness instead of focusing on what you really wanted. Your only option now is divorce, a wonderfully messy business that keeps so many lawyers in business. Also, in this country if you co-habit a place as a romantically involved couple for 3 or more years then guess what? You (or they) can claim de-facto status, which means they can get up to half your collective shit. That means that dumping them is going to get legal, in which case you have to consider just how much you're prepared to pay or lose to get out of their life.
4. With kids
Worst case scenario for dumping, at least in terms of aftermath. If you share kids with someone you need to accept that the someone is going to be an ongoing part of your life, no matter how indirectly. You'll be able to tell this by the way you constantly complain about them as you compete for your kids' affections. Seriously, you really bitch and moan because your ex will always be around in spirit if not in person. Also, your kids probably look a bit like them too, so have fun with that constant reminder.
But wait, I ain't done with this shit yet, check out part two...
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