Tuesday, June 22, 2010
The Sex Detective Sex Advice Column for Idiots
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Saturday, June 19, 2010
The God of Sex
This entry pertains to Christian attitudes towards heterosexual sex and is hence written with that in mind.
Hey, do you know the difference between my girlfriend and friends of mine that happens to be girls? Fucking, that's what. My girlfriend has exclusive, reciprocal rights to my tackle. It's sex that defines that difference. When I catch up with a female friend and discuss Cartesian philosophy I don't get accused of intellectual cheating. When I sit down with a chick I know and she's in tears over whatever it is girls cry about, I'm not committing emotional infidelity. Yet, among many Christians, those platonic friendships are the best you should hope for before marriage, even if you're in a committed relationship.
Hell, even kissing is, to some, a wanton and unholy act. Watch this video, then tell me one thing: just how badly do you want to savagely beat the fuck out of Frederick? Not because of his virgin faith, or because he's marrying someone clearly under-age, but because of that hair and shit-eating grin. If you answered "until his asshole pukes teeth" then we're on the same page.
This is why the whole "no pre-marital sex" thing in Christian relationships has me intrigued. So I went online and found this dating advice site in order to get a better understanding of this archaic and arguably unhealthy stance. After a few hours of trawling through its pages I realised that the site was as contradictory as the Bible on which its arguments were based.
I'm an amateur Sex Detective, which means solving mysteries to do with sexual politics and creepy behaviour. And I'll be quite honest - the whole purity ring, abstinence, side-hugging deal creeps me out no end. Sex is about as physically personal as you can get without being a surgeon, making its practice or lack thereof a very personal choice. Public propoganda campaigns that promote celibacy over education strive to take that choice away through authotitarian pressure. Enforced ignorance and denialism.
Okay, let's look at the 2 basic types of Christian sexual activity and what these Bible people have to say about it.
1. Self-service: Masturbation & God
Hard-core fundamentalists will tell you that flogging the ferret or double-clicking the mouse (I love that term so much thanks to my best mate) is a big Goddy no-no. This comes from the story of Onan in Genesis chapter 38, the famous quote about spilling his seed upon the ground. This is taken completely out of context because he was actually fucking his brother's widow (a social norm back then) at the time and just happened to decide to finish up outside her. Was he aiming for her face and missed? Or did he just hate the thought of having kids? Either way, local religious law said he was meant to deposit his load in her bank so God fucked him up as punishment.
The good people at the Oasis site I mentioned above are a bit more lenient than that. They throw around a few Bible quotes to do with immorality and lusty stuff, but the overall message seems to be that as long as you're not wanking full-time, and not having impure thoughts while doing so, it's probably okay to fill a few tube socks.
Wait! What? They're saying you can self-sex but only if you don't think about sex? How the fuck does that even work?
2. Interplay: Penis + Vagina
Christians are all for Christians dating and having relationships with other Christians, otherwise they might mingle with pagans and get funny ideas about science, natural justice and social freedoms. Fucking before marriage is a big problem for them, though. Why? It'll ruin things before the marriage. It'll cause unwanted pregnancies. You'll set yourself up for heartbreak. These answers are possibly valid but lack one thing that seals the deal: any statistical logic whatsoever. The divorce rates among Christians is no lower than that of non-Christians. Married couples have unplanned kids all the time. I would even argue that many marriage break ups are more emotionally intense than unmarried relationships.
Some Christians have a very monochrome attitude about the nature of sex. To them sex defines a relationship somewhat more dogmatically than it does to agnostic libertarians like myself. There are either sex relationships within the union of marriage or non-sex relationships which apply to everyone else. For me there seems to be more of a spectrum: one night stands, friends with benefits, non-sex friendships, open relationships, exclusive relationships, polyamory (multiple spouses) relationships and more. Sure, pre-marital sex may incur certain risks, but forbidding the practice creates others, not the least of which is sexual incompatibility.
As humans we're built for sex. Post-puberty we're biologically engineered to breed. Although evolution has yet to catch up with medical science and social hygeine, we were originally designed to do so until death. Back in biblical times anyone who lived more than forty years was either divinely superpowered or bad at maths. Pairing couples into marriage was done by courtship (family arrangement), a tradition that wasn't supplanted by dating until the 20th Century. Back then you married so young that the statistical chance of you fucking anyone else before your betrothed was small, especially while your family had a 'virginity on delivery' dowry contract to uphold. Even if you did end up with a dud root your options were limited. Cheating or separation was an extreme sport, punishable by a rock to the head or knife across the throat.
In these enlightened times sexual compatibility is a healthy, user-choice issue. And this is why: unless both partners have had their genitals removed, sexual incompatibility will end a monogamous relationship. When the sex is good and plenty in a relationship, it's topical importance rates only about 10%. When it's bad and lacking it will bcome a 90% elephant in the room. Do you really want to wait until after the wedding to discover that your mutual attraction was romantic but not sexual? It's not until you're naked that she realises your cock looks like it was circumcised by an escalator accident while her vadge smells like a home-brewing shed. Or that your dream of finally getting your dong hoovered will never be realised because she was taught in Sunday School that semen is made of battery acid.
"God loves sex more than you do"
That's an actual quote from the site. I'm not sure if it's a challenge or a threat. I mean, he fucked Onan pretty hard for doing it wrong so I guess his standards are pretty high. But then again, he's a god, right? It says so in his name. God sex is bound to be better than what us humans try so clumsily to do to each other under the sheets or in the back of a car. Christians are fallible beings, but only because they're constantly being compared to an infallible one. Now, if God had said "choose your life sex partner wisely through a process of experimentation and experience and hopefully you'll land someone who will stick around for awhile" then maybe there would be less adultery-based divorces in church groups. There's certainly be less confused, ignorant, horny teenagers in the youth groups who have to resort to awful rap songs instead.
The Answer: I now realise why those Christian pre-marital rules about no frontal hugging, tongue kissing or lusty thinking creep me out so much. They're exactly the same rules you usually only need to spell out to dangerously retarded kids or convicted sex offenders undergoing court-mandated psych treatment.
Hey, do you know the difference between my girlfriend and friends of mine that happens to be girls? Fucking, that's what. My girlfriend has exclusive, reciprocal rights to my tackle. It's sex that defines that difference. When I catch up with a female friend and discuss Cartesian philosophy I don't get accused of intellectual cheating. When I sit down with a chick I know and she's in tears over whatever it is girls cry about, I'm not committing emotional infidelity. Yet, among many Christians, those platonic friendships are the best you should hope for before marriage, even if you're in a committed relationship.
Hell, even kissing is, to some, a wanton and unholy act. Watch this video, then tell me one thing: just how badly do you want to savagely beat the fuck out of Frederick? Not because of his virgin faith, or because he's marrying someone clearly under-age, but because of that hair and shit-eating grin. If you answered "until his asshole pukes teeth" then we're on the same page.
Fuck you, Frederick.
This is why the whole "no pre-marital sex" thing in Christian relationships has me intrigued. So I went online and found this dating advice site in order to get a better understanding of this archaic and arguably unhealthy stance. After a few hours of trawling through its pages I realised that the site was as contradictory as the Bible on which its arguments were based.
I'm an amateur Sex Detective, which means solving mysteries to do with sexual politics and creepy behaviour. And I'll be quite honest - the whole purity ring, abstinence, side-hugging deal creeps me out no end. Sex is about as physically personal as you can get without being a surgeon, making its practice or lack thereof a very personal choice. Public propoganda campaigns that promote celibacy over education strive to take that choice away through authotitarian pressure. Enforced ignorance and denialism.
Okay, let's look at the 2 basic types of Christian sexual activity and what these Bible people have to say about it.
1. Self-service: Masturbation & God
I showed this to the Magistrate, but the Primary School still pressed charges.
Hard-core fundamentalists will tell you that flogging the ferret or double-clicking the mouse (I love that term so much thanks to my best mate) is a big Goddy no-no. This comes from the story of Onan in Genesis chapter 38, the famous quote about spilling his seed upon the ground. This is taken completely out of context because he was actually fucking his brother's widow (a social norm back then) at the time and just happened to decide to finish up outside her. Was he aiming for her face and missed? Or did he just hate the thought of having kids? Either way, local religious law said he was meant to deposit his load in her bank so God fucked him up as punishment.
The good people at the Oasis site I mentioned above are a bit more lenient than that. They throw around a few Bible quotes to do with immorality and lusty stuff, but the overall message seems to be that as long as you're not wanking full-time, and not having impure thoughts while doing so, it's probably okay to fill a few tube socks.
Wait! What? They're saying you can self-sex but only if you don't think about sex? How the fuck does that even work?
2. Interplay: Penis + Vagina
Christians are all for Christians dating and having relationships with other Christians, otherwise they might mingle with pagans and get funny ideas about science, natural justice and social freedoms. Fucking before marriage is a big problem for them, though. Why? It'll ruin things before the marriage. It'll cause unwanted pregnancies. You'll set yourself up for heartbreak. These answers are possibly valid but lack one thing that seals the deal: any statistical logic whatsoever. The divorce rates among Christians is no lower than that of non-Christians. Married couples have unplanned kids all the time. I would even argue that many marriage break ups are more emotionally intense than unmarried relationships.
Some Christians have a very monochrome attitude about the nature of sex. To them sex defines a relationship somewhat more dogmatically than it does to agnostic libertarians like myself. There are either sex relationships within the union of marriage or non-sex relationships which apply to everyone else. For me there seems to be more of a spectrum: one night stands, friends with benefits, non-sex friendships, open relationships, exclusive relationships, polyamory (multiple spouses) relationships and more. Sure, pre-marital sex may incur certain risks, but forbidding the practice creates others, not the least of which is sexual incompatibility.
As humans we're built for sex. Post-puberty we're biologically engineered to breed. Although evolution has yet to catch up with medical science and social hygeine, we were originally designed to do so until death. Back in biblical times anyone who lived more than forty years was either divinely superpowered or bad at maths. Pairing couples into marriage was done by courtship (family arrangement), a tradition that wasn't supplanted by dating until the 20th Century. Back then you married so young that the statistical chance of you fucking anyone else before your betrothed was small, especially while your family had a 'virginity on delivery' dowry contract to uphold. Even if you did end up with a dud root your options were limited. Cheating or separation was an extreme sport, punishable by a rock to the head or knife across the throat.
In these enlightened times sexual compatibility is a healthy, user-choice issue. And this is why: unless both partners have had their genitals removed, sexual incompatibility will end a monogamous relationship. When the sex is good and plenty in a relationship, it's topical importance rates only about 10%. When it's bad and lacking it will bcome a 90% elephant in the room. Do you really want to wait until after the wedding to discover that your mutual attraction was romantic but not sexual? It's not until you're naked that she realises your cock looks like it was circumcised by an escalator accident while her vadge smells like a home-brewing shed. Or that your dream of finally getting your dong hoovered will never be realised because she was taught in Sunday School that semen is made of battery acid.
"God loves sex more than you do"
That's an actual quote from the site. I'm not sure if it's a challenge or a threat. I mean, he fucked Onan pretty hard for doing it wrong so I guess his standards are pretty high. But then again, he's a god, right? It says so in his name. God sex is bound to be better than what us humans try so clumsily to do to each other under the sheets or in the back of a car. Christians are fallible beings, but only because they're constantly being compared to an infallible one. Now, if God had said "choose your life sex partner wisely through a process of experimentation and experience and hopefully you'll land someone who will stick around for awhile" then maybe there would be less adultery-based divorces in church groups. There's certainly be less confused, ignorant, horny teenagers in the youth groups who have to resort to awful rap songs instead.
I want to side-hug your brains out, yo!
The Answer: I now realise why those Christian pre-marital rules about no frontal hugging, tongue kissing or lusty thinking creep me out so much. They're exactly the same rules you usually only need to spell out to dangerously retarded kids or convicted sex offenders undergoing court-mandated psych treatment.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Beware Ye The Lurker!
Lurkers. I fucking hate fucking Lurkers. They are the social epitome of all that is wrong with heterosexual males. You get female Lurkers too, but they tend to be pathetic, wallowy creatures destined for pity. No, there are few things as reprehensible as the male Lurker. Make no mistake, they are the most annoying of social thorns in any man's side.
So, Kidd, what the fuck is a Lurker?
We've all met them, especially in our teens and twenties. Occasionally you'd date a sweet gal who had that one, close male friend. A real BFF who always remembers her birthday, clocks up hundreds of couch hours watching chick flicks with her, even take her shopping or out to lunch when she's feeling blue. As far as she's concerned they've been great mates since highschool and he registers zero threat on her radar, despite not being gay or her brother. He's infiltrated her circle like 'one of the girls' and wheedled into her family like 'part of the furniture'. And, as far as he's concerned, you're just the latest in a long line of mistakes that she will make until she wakes up and sees him as her soul mate. Just like in all those chick flicks he watches with her.
Oh, and the playful tickle fights and harmless neck rubs. We just love that shit, you Lurking cunt.
She says: "But we're just good friends!"
Uh-huh, sure. That's why every time I see him goofing around with you my balls itch and my knuckles start grinding their teeth. Look, when most straight guys end up in a girl's friend zone we make a point of drifting away like a dog from an empty dinner bowl. It's because another term for friend zone is "Lost Swamp of Masturbatory Despair". Sure, we'll drive past it now and again and wave out the window, but we're not about to build a house there. The Lurker does the oposite and digs in, hoping to win a war of attrition by outlasting all suitors. Lacking the balls to tell the girl how he really feels, he just hangs on and on out of a false sense of entitlement.
Rationalisations of the Lurker
"I know her better than anyone."
"I make her laugh."
"We've been through so much together."
"I'm always there for her."
"We love each other on a deeper level."
Yeah, yeah, you share such a special, platonic bond that we can hardly notice your boner when you're splashing her at the beach, creep. I've even heard one Lurker say to me, "We have a running joke whereby if neither of us has settled down by age 40 we'll marry each other - ha ha!" He was 25, but his wistful eyes told me he would seriously hold out for another 15 years if necessary.
Why is he a threat?
Make no mistake, a Lurker is competition disguised as a friendly, nonchalant smile. His only goal is her, so his mission is the demise of your relationship. His methods will be passive-aggressive and duplicitous because he loathes direct confrontation. Remember, this fucker is built for endurance - he can wait months before driving home the wedge. In the mean time he'll either want to be your buddy and recon you for vulnerabilities, or try to monopolise her time with secret in-jokes or staged emergencies. A creature of festering jealousy, he fears and despises your presence nearly as much as he does his own feeble soul.
Okay, Kidd, so short of waiting for him to have an "accident", how do I deal with a Lurker?
There is no risk-free way of handling this type of douchebag. The sad truth is that, short of an acquired brain injury, most chicks know deep down of their Lurker's intent. They just choose to ignore or suppress this knowledge because they a) don't feel threatened, and b) enjoy the attention and/or power. Still, the mere fact that he probably spends most nights jerking it to mental images of her is enough to compel you into action. Unfortunately there are precious few ways to do this without looking like a bit of a tool, which is exactly what he's counting on. But fuck it, you've got to either take a stand or forever watch your back.
1. Casual Awareness Raising: befriend him on Facebook and send a group mail including him with a link to this article along with a message like "Lol, this guy is seriously paranoid, right?"
2. Guerilla Tactics: this is PsyOps game-playing, but some of you guys love being sneaky fuckers anyway. Lurkers love routines, especially with the object of their affection. There are bound to be recurrent little bonding rituals that he shares with the girl - games night every Tuesday, touch football or gallery visits on the weekend, Harry Potter marathons and Mutual Hair Braiding once a month or shit like that. Upset that routine like upsetting an enemy's supply line: unpredictably and with zero notice.
3. Declaration by Proxy: as in all things, your brethren are your staunchest allies. If they're anything like you, they will share similar views on Lurkers and be willing to help. What you really want here is a group forum (including the Lurker and the girl for best effect) and a true friend who is in a stable relationship. The friend then regales the audience with a highly embellished cautionary tale about a Lurker they bested in the past.
4. The Ultimate Litmus Test: this one has the highest stakes but is most effective when dealing with a girl in denial about her Lurker's agenda. Warning: there is an even chance you'll come off looking like a psychopath initially, but when this works it does so spectacularly. It comes down to a simple yet highly volatile discussion with youir girlfriend that goes something like this:
DISCLAIMER: some folk are going to cry about me broadcasting insecurities - bullshit. An insecurity is a fear that you fail to act on. I've always acted on my fears, especially when relationships are at stake. This has often ended in messy results, but one thing I'm never afraid of is to get dirty to get to the truth. Others may think I'm arguing that members of the opposite sex can't be friends with each other. Rubbish, provided they're honest about it to all concerned. I respect any man who has the balls to approach and say: "Hi, I'm a direct rival for your girlfriend's affection." provided he also has the same guts to say it to her.
So, Kidd, what the fuck is a Lurker?
We've all met them, especially in our teens and twenties. Occasionally you'd date a sweet gal who had that one, close male friend. A real BFF who always remembers her birthday, clocks up hundreds of couch hours watching chick flicks with her, even take her shopping or out to lunch when she's feeling blue. As far as she's concerned they've been great mates since highschool and he registers zero threat on her radar, despite not being gay or her brother. He's infiltrated her circle like 'one of the girls' and wheedled into her family like 'part of the furniture'. And, as far as he's concerned, you're just the latest in a long line of mistakes that she will make until she wakes up and sees him as her soul mate. Just like in all those chick flicks he watches with her.
Oh, and the playful tickle fights and harmless neck rubs. We just love that shit, you Lurking cunt.
She says: "But we're just good friends!"
Poor Jacob: cursed with Lurkanthropy.
Uh-huh, sure. That's why every time I see him goofing around with you my balls itch and my knuckles start grinding their teeth. Look, when most straight guys end up in a girl's friend zone we make a point of drifting away like a dog from an empty dinner bowl. It's because another term for friend zone is "Lost Swamp of Masturbatory Despair". Sure, we'll drive past it now and again and wave out the window, but we're not about to build a house there. The Lurker does the oposite and digs in, hoping to win a war of attrition by outlasting all suitors. Lacking the balls to tell the girl how he really feels, he just hangs on and on out of a false sense of entitlement.
Rationalisations of the Lurker
"I know her better than anyone."
"I make her laugh."
"We've been through so much together."
"I'm always there for her."
"We love each other on a deeper level."
Yeah, yeah, you share such a special, platonic bond that we can hardly notice your boner when you're splashing her at the beach, creep. I've even heard one Lurker say to me, "We have a running joke whereby if neither of us has settled down by age 40 we'll marry each other - ha ha!" He was 25, but his wistful eyes told me he would seriously hold out for another 15 years if necessary.
Yeah, we've been best mates ever since she grew boobs.
Why is he a threat?
Make no mistake, a Lurker is competition disguised as a friendly, nonchalant smile. His only goal is her, so his mission is the demise of your relationship. His methods will be passive-aggressive and duplicitous because he loathes direct confrontation. Remember, this fucker is built for endurance - he can wait months before driving home the wedge. In the mean time he'll either want to be your buddy and recon you for vulnerabilities, or try to monopolise her time with secret in-jokes or staged emergencies. A creature of festering jealousy, he fears and despises your presence nearly as much as he does his own feeble soul.
Okay, Kidd, so short of waiting for him to have an "accident", how do I deal with a Lurker?
Accidents happen all the time
There is no risk-free way of handling this type of douchebag. The sad truth is that, short of an acquired brain injury, most chicks know deep down of their Lurker's intent. They just choose to ignore or suppress this knowledge because they a) don't feel threatened, and b) enjoy the attention and/or power. Still, the mere fact that he probably spends most nights jerking it to mental images of her is enough to compel you into action. Unfortunately there are precious few ways to do this without looking like a bit of a tool, which is exactly what he's counting on. But fuck it, you've got to either take a stand or forever watch your back.
1. Casual Awareness Raising: befriend him on Facebook and send a group mail including him with a link to this article along with a message like "Lol, this guy is seriously paranoid, right?"
2. Guerilla Tactics: this is PsyOps game-playing, but some of you guys love being sneaky fuckers anyway. Lurkers love routines, especially with the object of their affection. There are bound to be recurrent little bonding rituals that he shares with the girl - games night every Tuesday, touch football or gallery visits on the weekend, Harry Potter marathons and Mutual Hair Braiding once a month or shit like that. Upset that routine like upsetting an enemy's supply line: unpredictably and with zero notice.
3. Declaration by Proxy: as in all things, your brethren are your staunchest allies. If they're anything like you, they will share similar views on Lurkers and be willing to help. What you really want here is a group forum (including the Lurker and the girl for best effect) and a true friend who is in a stable relationship. The friend then regales the audience with a highly embellished cautionary tale about a Lurker they bested in the past.
4. The Ultimate Litmus Test: this one has the highest stakes but is most effective when dealing with a girl in denial about her Lurker's agenda. Warning: there is an even chance you'll come off looking like a psychopath initially, but when this works it does so spectacularly. It comes down to a simple yet highly volatile discussion with youir girlfriend that goes something like this:
Be preapared for all sorts of ugly shit to come out of this (previously undisclosed sexual histories, her going ballistic at having to concede the truth, her actually falling for him like a bad movie), but live with the consolation that anything short of her finally acknowledging the Lurker for what he is means your relationship was probably doomed anyway."I believe your so-called friend to be a fucking lurker. I am willing to bet our relationship on this. If you don't believe me then offer to suck his dick and see what happens."
DISCLAIMER: some folk are going to cry about me broadcasting insecurities - bullshit. An insecurity is a fear that you fail to act on. I've always acted on my fears, especially when relationships are at stake. This has often ended in messy results, but one thing I'm never afraid of is to get dirty to get to the truth. Others may think I'm arguing that members of the opposite sex can't be friends with each other. Rubbish, provided they're honest about it to all concerned. I respect any man who has the balls to approach and say: "Hi, I'm a direct rival for your girlfriend's affection." provided he also has the same guts to say it to her.
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