Every time I've turned on my car radio over the last 6 days I seem to hear the same shitty sound-bite from the same shitty kid:
“People say that you have to be big to do something good.”
Do they, kid? Do 'people' really fucking say that? Because I've never heard that assertion as a slogan, moral message or cultural truism anywhere or at any time before now. However, after your bitchy kid voice has seared my aural nerves for the 13th time I'm starting to believe that the implied converse is true: that you have to be little to really fuck up.
Hmmm, 8 year olds + hotplates + cleavers = flawless victory over responsible
programming. And young fingers.
I will never intentionally – or consciously – watch a cooking show. Burning things to make them edible is a purely practical exercise for me, one that typically involves a third party at the other end of an intercom. Plenty of folk get all excited and teary about food-based reality shows, like the concept hasn't been around since the 1950's and that self-proclaimed "chefs" (a title usually requiring several years of accredited, performance-based merit) somehow deserve my emotional investment for 3 months. Now we're doing this crap with kids. Why? Because watching mundane adults and celebrity adults get criticised by actual professionals isn't enough for you monsters who revel in public humiliation. You want to see kids cry on television, you sick fucks.
Hey, maybe you can sing/dance/fellate like a star?
Another thing that's been around since way before television is the talent show. There have always been people surrounded by over-nurturing parents and tone-deaf friends who finally decide to get their shit ruined by a panel of judges. It's just that nowadays they do it in front of a much bigger audience, and that at least one of the judges is paid in reputation to be an utter cunt regardless of how much the contestant tries. This is another type of so-called 'reality' show I actively boycott. Turning a talent competition into a 13 week wank-quest of Tolkien proportions, with Kyle “The-Sex-Detective-is-disgusted-by-your-very-existence” Sandilands playing the part of Sauron, is an insult to my sanity.
The reason fists were invented.
And do you know the most sinister part? The viewers don't just watch this shit to be entertained by the scarce minority with actual talent, they also thrive on seeing the epic failures and melt-downs. Production teams know this and go to great lengths to capture optimal footage of embarrassingly misguided applicants who clearly suffer untreated head injuries. This cringing enjoyment of dignity suicide is called Schadenfreude. It's a real thing and only a couple of steps away from secretly being aroused by the spectacle of prison rape.
Celebrities get real(ly screwed)
You know that your acting career is in deep shit when you have to resort to contestant status on a reality show. That's because your chosen vocation as an actor typically centres on the opposite of reality. That's what acting is, by definition. Of course, being an actor has never been a formal requirement for celebrity status, but if you are and your agent advises you to enter a reality show to remind people of this then you're already fucked.
There is only one reality show I would pay through the balls to watch: Celebrity Big Brother featuring Mark “Chopper” Reid.
Any man who comes with his own subtitles has universal appeal.
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