Lovelorn and horny heart-broken, the Sex Detective resorts to online dating at eHarmony in order to assess the current love market and possibly flag himself on an FBI database.
Wow, I just logged back into my eHarmony account (under my nomme d'amore of 'Max Bonethruster') and despite having only completed half the profile questions I already have 18 matches. Somehwere out there are 18 women prepared to hook up with what is clearly a very toxic sociopath. My profile pic is a hockey mask next to a tube of lube, ladies. My hobbies include handguns and taping people... to other people. Also, half of you come from countries where English isn't even likely to be your seventh language.
Anyway, eHarmony just told me that this free trial runs out in a few hours, so I better get this profile finished.
More Q & A
Question 7: What are you most passionate about?
Sample Answer 7:
Sex Detective Answer 7:I am passionate about living life to its fullest! For me that includes traveling to new places and experiencing all sorts of things. There's nothing quite like exiting an airport in a new country and taking that first breath of air. Every city let me tell you, has its own smell. Give me a room with a view, and I'm good to go! My own travels have taught me to see my home town through the eyes of a tourist. I now know more about my hometown and make a super tourist guide when friends come to visit.
Pretty much the same as Sample-boy up there, ladies, provided I was also an international assassin or Nazi fugitive. Also, I'm damned if I would know how to 'make a super tourist guide' when my friends come over. I could tape a few normal guides together, I guess.
Question 8: How do you typically spend your leisure time?
Sample Answer 8:
Leisure time can seem scarce, but when it's around I can enjoy time spent with friends, or curled up with a good book. I may have read a certain currently popular series of books out there but I will flat out deny it if asked. Yes, that series - so you know why I won't admit to actually reading all of the books, let alone liking them.
Sex Detective Answer 8:
Sure, I deny reading stuff all the time (traffic laws, cooking instructions, sexual harrassment policies) but I don't get all weird and defensive about it. Especially if I fail to specify what the fuck it is I'm denying in the first place. I mean, maybe he's coy about his Harry Potter/Twilight/Sweet Valley High habit, but it could equally be Deutschland Skat Monthly for all we know. Rather than try to set up some intrigue about my *yawn* reading habits, I'll just let you know how my downtime is spent: living hard, loving hard and fucking hard. And trust me, dames, it is always fucking hard. Booyah!
Okay, so now I'm ready to plunge into a world full of women whose lives must be so awful that they've forgotten how to read profiles or recognise any of the other 37 hints that maybe I'm not ideal dating material (my favourite movie is listed as Invasion Of The Space Martians From Outer-space; Mars To Be Precise). But before I end up balls deep in romantic refugees, I better make sure eHarmony can deliver the goods.
eHarmony's Scientific Matching
Cool, they use science somehow, that's a relief. The last three dating sites I perused seemed to rely mostly on sudoku and chloroform.
But not eHarmony. Check out this research:
eHarmony interviewed over 5000 married couples to understand their relationships and to find the keys to a relationship which will succeed. The findings showed that having a spark with someone isn’t enough – even if there is chemistry, 3 out of 4 couples end up unhappy or divorced.
Hmmm, compelling stuff, but I still don't know if your tests were controlled, double-blinded or even real. And where the fuck did you find time to conduct 5000 separate interviews? Even with a minimal time constraint of 30 minutes per session and a crippling crystal-meth habit, that would require 15 weeks straight of interrogating bewildered couples. Even then, all you're telling me is that you've gained expert knowledge of a 75% failure rate.
But wait, there's light at the end of the datey science tunnel. eHarmony have stumbled upon something that no other datey scientician has taken into account before.
eHarmony's research identified Key Dimensions which form the basis of a happy relationship...eHarmony matches you based on Key Dimensions of compatibility, giving you results that you won't get anywhere else.
The key dimensions are grouped into Core Traits and Vital Attributes. Core Traits are stable parts of who you are as a person which will stay mostly unchanged throughout your life. Vital Attributes may change based on the events which happen in your life – they are to do with learning and experience.
Key Dimensions, I knew it! Wait, what!?
They go on to describe examples of each using big words, but the gist of it all is this - like attracts like. The key to compatibility is commonality. Which means that 18 women out there must have plenty in common with Max Bonethruster, including a penis.
Awk-ward.
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