Sex Detective vs eHarmony, Part One

Not long ago my beautiful ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she developed an allergy to douches or something.  After the mandatory seventeen hours of grief-driven masturbation respect I decided to jump back into the dating game by signing up for the first dating service I found.  Thanks to God being a total dick, that site was eHarmony, which specialises in pretending to match religious people together.  I am deeply religious.  Before becoming a Sex Detective I was a Sex Chaplain in the Sex Air Service.  However, I was discharged for being too abitrary in my devotions, often found worshipping things that most theists would throw in the trash, or at least had to once I'd finished my rituals.


But first, a loving testimonial
Here's a good news story from someone called Rob.

"Karen and I met not long after we went into open communication. For me it was love at first sight, but it took Karen a bit longer to realize that she loved me. We are looking forward our future together sharing with 2 beautiful teenagers."

I want you to read the above contrived success story again from the point of view of lacivious predator.  Notice how Rob now comes across as a successful offender with a predilection for statutory rape-slaves?

 eHarmony helped me find my conjoined acrobat twin.  Now he's

inside me all the time!!

Personal Q & A
Subscribing to eHarmony is tough.  They ask lots of hard questions in survey form, things about 'traits', 'values' and other abstract concepts that don't really help when it comes to defining fuckability.  Fortunately, after pages of scaled and True/False tests, you're given the chance to write down your own crap about what makes you you.  They even provide examples as a template for people who have trouble not being a spambot.

Ah, that would explain the still-warm DNA sample they requested.

Question 1: Other than your parents, who has been the most influential person in your life and why?

I was tempted to embellish at being a Christian by saying "Jesus, because he made beards cool." but that would be a horrible lie because I obviously don't have a beard.  Luckily I had an example answer to consult.

Sample Answer 1:

Don't tell him because it will give him a big head, but my brother really influenced my life. He's always been a terrific older brother and is still a great friend. He gave me the talking to that it wasn't cool to act like everything was boring when I was a teenager.

Sex Detective Answer 1:  

Don't tell his next-of-kin this - because they might re-open the inquiry - but Dr Mike, the Broken Head Doctor, really influenced my life.  He told me why Earth humans react the way they do to me and why special cuddles remain the domain of doctor/client privilege.  He also told me tha- wait!  Can you hear that?  Dear God, they're in the walls.  THEY"RE IN THE WALLS!

 
Question 2: What is the most important quality that you are looking for in another person?
 
Sample Answer 2:  

I am looking for a genuinely good person, someone who enjoys doing things for the people they care about. Someone who strikes a balance in life, interjects humor when appropriate, and knows when it's alright to be serious about things.

Sex Detective Answer 2:  

I'm looking for a fully functional specimen with a ridiculously low tolerance to over-the-counter medication and a propensity to get confused when under pressure, like maybe when identifying people in a line up.  Also, at least one vagina or aproximate equivalent thereof.

 
Question 3: Other than your appearance, what is the first thing that people notice about you?
 
Sample Answer 3:

People notice my positive outlook on life, and how that makes me inquisitive and articulate. Though, when we meet you'll have to let me know what stood out to you!

Sex Detective Answer 3:

People tend to notice me waaay too late, at least in terms of physical proximity, but - hang on, did Mr Sample Answer up there make any sense at all?  How does having a positive outlook naturally equate with curiosity and verbal articulation all of a sudden?  I've lost my train of thought now, and my balls are starting to itch.  Fuck you, Sample-boy, your face just made a face-date with my fist!

Question 4: What is the ONE thing that people DON'T notice about you right away that you WISH they WOULD?
 
Sample Answer 4:

My tendency toward wit and common sense can mask my sentimental side. I share that silly side with my closest friends, so it surprises people who first meet me and think they've got me pegged. In addition to my tendency toward the ridiculous with my close friends, I also care deeply for them which makes me a bit of a suck up at times.

Sex Detective Answer 4:

Eeew!  That answer blows, dude, as well as telling me you really like the word 'tendency'.  What I wish people would notice immediately is my extensive genital disfigurement.  Seriously, thanks to that petting zoo accident, it looks like a half-digested squid playing soccer.  And thanks to the disheartening number of eHarmony subscribers who refrain from pre-marital sex, the ladies DON'T usually notice this ONE thing they WISH they HAD until the wedding night, which is a repetitively expensive way to hear them scream.

Question 5: Something about reading books.

Sample Answer 5 and Sex Detective Answer 5:

Who gives a fuck!?

Question 6: Is there any additional information you would like your matches to know about you?

Sample Answer 6:

I plan to take my time, really getting to know somebody new here. I can't wait to see where things go; I'm looking forward to meeting you!

Sex Detective Answer 6:

Haha!  Not without a Court Order. Hahaha! Wh...why am I the only one laughing?