Sex Detective reviews video affonts to God

Youtube has a Christian Film Trailer channel.  If you visit it you get to see hundreds of trailers for films you'll never actually see.  There are countless straight-to-dvd production companies in North America making such atrocious crap that only international quarantine laws save us every day from their taint.  Some folks think I give God-fearing followers of the White Christ a hard time, but that's simply not true.  I just scrutinise some of their horrible products, starting with their Bible and ending with the kind of shit I'm about to share with you.  Shit like:

Sybil Ludington


Okay, so I have very little knowledge of the American Revolutionary War, other than that America obviously won, otherwise it would be the War Where Nothing Really Changed.  As for Sybil Ludington, I can't even bring myself to google the bitch.  What I do know, from the above trailer, is that she spent most of her life indoors with a bunch of dudes stressing about something.  The only external shot is of her sitting on an inert horse, which doesn't strike me as particularly revolutionary.  Horses have been sat on for a long time, I know this because I read it in a book once.  As for war stuff, we get a brief glimpse of a British soldier through a window.

Oh no, he's firing an old timey flintlock pistol at fuck knows what, and it sounds more like a wet Christmas cracker than a projectile weapon.  Most war flicks like to highlight action scenes into their trailers, but if that's all Sybil Ludisomething has to offer you're in for 90 minutes of whiny, fully clothed conversation inside a mudbrick shack.


Snitched
One thing you notice if you're so lonely that you have to subscribe to christianfilmtrailers to get through the night is that the view rates of these teasers tend to be in the low double digits.  I'm sorry, Christian movie-makers, but when a third of your subscribers is me (a mocking atheist in a hockey mask) you sorely need to revise your marketing plan.  Of course, it would also help if you actually took the time to inspect some of this dross before dumping it online.



I dare anyone to tell me what the fuck I just watched.  Some chick on a monochrome computer, fading title overlays spouting stoned speculation about historical confidentiality, and... and what exactly is this meant to be?

An eaves-dropping time machine?  A space toilet catching fire?  Is it even a plot device or just some kid's science fair entry?  We'll never know.  Or care.


Long Distance Princess
Hey, do you know what the kids love these days?  Romantic comedies about kids.  As opposed to this audio-visual miscarriage.



That's not a trailer, people, it's just a mash up of disjointed micro-clips with a couple of antagonistic lines from a clearly over-aged cheerleader.  And what's with the title cards at the beginning?  "lisa will win todd's heart..." [insert 5 seconds of kids doing unrelated crap] "...or does she?"  That's not even grammatically correct, assholes.  But rather than waste time in the Youtube comments section reminding people how verbs work, I followed a link to the plot summary of this film to get a handle on what was really going on.  Here it is, copied and pasted verbatim.

Lisa, a high school sophomore, has been hiding her hopeless crush on todd, the irresistibly likable junior in her art class. her life starts to unravel when he asks her to help him get to know the beautiful ellie, her longtime friend living in england.



All the while cindy, todd’s ruthless ex, resorts to sinister schemes to stop lisa and ellie, so she can win him back, and todd’s image-conscious friends try to discourage him from befriending the ordinary-looking lisa.


Supporting her through it all, theo–lisa’s Christian friend from school–encourages her to tackle her problems with a biblical mindset, but mitzy, her opportunistic bff, has other ideas.

One of the mentioned characters (Ellie) apparently doesn't even appear in the film.  But that's okay, because capital letters don't even appear in the synopsis.  The only capital letter used when not starting a paragraph is the 'C' in the word 'Christian'.  Well done.  And if your plot relies on using a 'biblical mindset' to overcome the baffling array of stupid problems about very mundane things then prepared to be underwhelmed.  There won't even be a karmic revenge fantasy element because I already know that this sort of vanilla-style christianity means everyone wins in the end and becomes a better person.  You know, just like the opposite of real life.

Shadowlands


Yep, it's kinda like Star Wars and the protagonist is definitely Space Jesus.  The producer wasn't allowed to borrow his daugher's iPhone so he had to render the CGI on his grandfather's fax machine.  Laser ships and medieval swords abound in some sort of backwater desert place.  Desert places are vital when you're trying to use the premise of sci-fi to retell a messiah myth.  'Only this stranger from the heavens, with his shiny sword and stupid beard can save us from the status quo!  He must truly be the Chosen One as foretold in the vague prophecy of our ancestors!'

The obvious drawcard for this flick, though, is the antagonist - none other than Gary 'batshit insane' Busey, one time popular actor/musician and now born-again creep.  Gary's mere mention makes children cry, women flinch and men reach for blunt objects.  His filmography claim to fame was becoming an Oscar loser nominee in 1978 by playing Buddy Holly.  From there he scored a string of pretty kick-ass second tier roles in the '80's and early '90's.  Then he became an alcoholic, joined AA, and turned into a Godoholic instead.  Now anyone who isn't a backwater, homemade christian production company avoids him like the cringey, crazy bag of douche that he is.

Not pictured: sanity.

Footprints
Trailers are brief snippets of pivotal scenes that inform the viewer what to expect in the plot of a movie.  Or not.

I can safely say that having seen this trailer I now know less than I did before knowing this film existed.  A lonely, whining guy whining about being a lonely, whining guy does not tell me anything I didn't already know about lonely, whining guys.  Oh, and he finds God's love in the form of a dog, I think, or maybe half the script was written by dyslexia.

Soul Surfer
Ever wondered what happened to '90s star Helen Hunt?  Me neither, so imagine my unsurprise when I found her playing a supporting part in this 'based on a true piece of crap' movie about a teenage surfer girl who gets her arm eaten off by a shark but manages to return to surfing after learning how to compensate for this amputation.



Pretty amazing, right?  Oh, no it's not, because upper limb amputees learn how to compensate every fucking day provided they are prepared to complete rehab and stick to their training regimes.  I kinow it's admirable to see someone do that, but it's hardly a damn miracle when you do so surrounded by wealth, privilege and the best medical care available.  It's like when patronising, ignorant cunts praise kiddy cancer sufferers for being 'brave'.  They're not brave, you idiots, they're just kids perservering through some horrible shit, and most are actually pretty upset by the whole deal so try to show a little compassion instead of heaping meaningless adult terms on them.


127 Hours
Okay, if you want to see something truly awesome watch this film:



It's the story of Aron "Fuck you, universe" Ralston, the most kick-ass rock climber you'll ever learn about.  It tells the events and experiences of a man facing a horrible death after a climbing accident.  It's moving shit, showing how a man will fight to the last using nothing but will power and a cheap multi-tool.  After getting his arm pinned by a wedged rock and drinking his own piss to survive for 5 days, he gets sick of waiting for rescue or God or whatever and amputates his own lower arm with pliers and a blunt knife.  Then he strolls across miles of stinking desert until he finds some help, all the while never losing his sense of humour.  This is a 100% true story.  Mr Ralston now tours around the place delivering very matter-of-fact speeches to fans, but only when he's not still climbing the fuck out of mountains.