Dating sites are the best. Despite a 90-95% failure rate, they will go to extremes regarding advice to relate to you and tell you how to handle you're own, miserable life. Because we're so status obssessed, they invariably use top ten lists, just like music charts and Ikea intructions. In this particular case, we get to learn the top ten ways to get over a guy who dumps your ass. Despite the title, half the advice here is geared to getting back at him with passive aggressive relish rather than doing what most health humans should: post break-up you stay the fuck away from each other and cut all ties. Unless your ex is also your conjoined twin, this is quite achievable and a lot less hassle than adopting [insert teen drama bullshit show] tactics.
Time for your resident - and magnificently sexy - Sex Detective to break this shit down.
Top 10 Ways To Get Over Him
#10: Look Hotter Than Ever
Something about manicures, pedicures and hair styles, because most guys who aren't gay really give a shit about that.
Key quote: When he sees you, he will wonder why you look so amazing and who you’re looking so amazing for.
Or he won't really give a damn. See, a lot of guys who do the dumping in a relationship do so because they either can't stand you anymore or because they found a better opportunity. We're kinda dicks that way. In either case when we see you all dolled up we're just as likely to assume that you're going to a job interview or visiting your pimp.
#9: Hang Out With Lots Of Guys
Nothing overtly sexual or whorish, of course, just surround yourself with beefcake talent.
Key quote: If you want to make sure that he finds out about all your new friends, make sure to head to spots where the two of you used to hang out together or invite some mutual friends out with you.
Aaand the passive aggression begins. Dailydate.com wants you ladies to fully believe that we're naive fucks just waiting to regret pushing you out the door. A much more likely reaction when he rolls up to his local and sees you cock-teasing a football team is: 1) Oh fuck, what is she doing here? and 2) She's so bloody desperate to make me jealous that she's actually offering handjobs to every other guy in the bar. The only thing he'll feel is embarrassed. For you.
#8: Travel/Leave Town
Apparently if you head off to Mexico for a couple of weeks just after he says he never wants to see you again, he'll 'be tripping'.
Key quote: Of course, that is, if he discovers that you headed out. Those mutual friends tend to come in very handy here.
What I wouldn't give for my exes to leave town! Or the country! Or even this mortal coil! But while you're planning to get taken hostage by Mexican drug cartels, be sure to exploit your network of mutual friends into telling him that you're going away. That way he can throw a party.
#7: Don't Be Bitter
If talking to mutual friends only say nice things about your ex because you don't want a rep as a whiner.
Key quote: ...say nothing but nice things about him and make sure to point out that it’s better this way, and discuss all the great plans you have now that he’s no longer in your life.
Your friends will be so happy that you're taking the 'high road' after being horribly discarded that they'll hardly comment on your new heroin addiction at all.
So much wrong on one t-shirt. I can't even discern the gender
of the model.
#6: Become Successful
Go back to school. Get a promotion, or a more rewarding career.
Key quote: If you work or go to school with someone who knows your ex, word will travel fast about the changes you’re making and the feelings of regret may creep up on him considering how you took a bad situation and turned it into such a great thing.
What? Why? How? Are you trying for some sort of pathetic "he was holding me back anyway" angle here? This assumes your only motive to actually do something with your life is his opinion of you. You already know his opinion when he dropped you, surely. That much should be a bit obvious.
Spray-painting is also a career option .
#5: Make Major Changes In Your Life
Get a room-mate, change addresses, blah-blah-blah, be busy enough not to worry about him.
Key quote: There will be too much going on in the present that you’ll have no choice but to get over him.
Like you have a choice anyway?
#4: Build A Better Body
Start off with hobo parts first, then work your way up to trusting fitness instructors and male strippers. In no time at all you will have built the perfect replacement.
Key quote: So the next time you run into him and he notices your well-toned arms and mentions them, you can tell him how David, your personal trainer, works you hard so you can achieve the results you want.
Oh, Jesus, it's suddenly become apparent that the author is making sinister references to her own life. I think we need to warn David.
#3: Enjoy Girls' Nights Out
Go out and party and dance with your girlfriends.
Key quote: Even if he never finds out about your new party girl attitude, the fact that other men are coming onto you and you’re living it up is vengeance enough.
But if he never finds out, how does that qualify as ven- oh fuck it, just go get pissed already.
#2: Erase Him From Memory
You know, get rid of anything that reminds you of him and shit.
Key quote: Both literally and figuratively, you need to eliminate his presence if you really want to get over him.
Dailydate.com is either unfamiliar with the definition of 'literally' or they just gave you the greenlight to murder the fuck out of your ex.
#1: Sleep With Someone Else
Exactly what it says.
Key quote: Although most “experts” would disagree, nothing says “it’s really over” like sleeping with a brand new man..
That's right, ladies, these "experts" (or so-called 'psycho-therapists', like that's a real thing) got it wrong. Grief is cured by a stiff dose of fresh cock. Or a fresh dose of - look, there really is no way of making this shallow advice any clearer.
As you can see, this is all a bit bi-polar. You can move on and start a new life and/or get some payback. Only it's a bit hard to do the former if you're obssessing on the latter. The upshoot of all this stylised drivel is based on the old adage: "the best revenge is a perfect life." How 'figuratively' uplifting, and yet so very 'literally' false. This may surprise some of you, but it turns out that, by precise definition, the best revenge is...well, revenge. As a Sex Detective I see the real thing all the time - hate mail, slashed tyres, setting someone up for a beating, and so on. Okay, so maybe that was just my exes, but revenge is terrifyingly addictive for many spurned women, regardless of our anti-stalking and defamation laws. Listen, the standard revenge for this situation is very simple: you pick one of his close friends or relatives and you fuck them as indiscreetly as possible. Sure, it's a social kamikaze move, but it's completely legal.
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