Adelaide's sexiest Sex Detective is committed to bullshit. You can take that however you want, but I'm not about to pass any opportunity to take cheap shots at so-called relationship experts who peddle their patronising crap to the public. The first examples come from Cosmopolitan Magazine online.
3x Sample Advice from Cosmopolitan Magazine Online
Q1: I am 20 years old and I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We have slept in the same bed numerous times but we haven’t had sex. Is it me, is he just not attracted to me? from Isabel
Cosmo: He might be waiting for you to say something and doesn’t feel like he is pressuring you. This is a good situation to be in! There’s nothing worse than being pressure by a guy to do it when you’re not ready so the fact that he wants to wait means that he genuinely cares about you. Broaching the topic with him and indicating that you might be ready is a good way to break the ice, and to let him know that you might be ready to take the next step!
SD: Two years!? Holy fucking Christ, Isabel, most sane, sexually active mammals wouldn't wear that shit for 2 months. Are you sure he's your boyfriend and not just some homeless dude who's after a place to crash? Look, lady, any straight guy who shares your bed without making a move is, by sheer definition of libido, not attracted to you. So, congratulations, it is you after all.
Q2: HELP! Recently all my friends got boyfriends and they are madly in love but, I have never ever even had someone crush on me, let alone a boyfriend, I really want one, what do I do? from Jess
Cosmo: You need to start believing that you’re a sexy capable woman and will be able to get any man you put your mind too! Once you believe that you are confident and sexy, it’s time to start getting out there and meeting men. Ask all your girlfriends to get their boyfriends to introduce them to their friends and start mingling. Don’t be desperate or clingy – just show them how funny, sexy and cool you really are, and they’ll come running.
SD: Every social group invariably has an ugly duckling, destined to become an ugly duck. Quack, quack, Jess. Cosmo's advice about believing yourself to be confident and sexy will simply add 'hilariously delusional' to your list of ugly qualities. Good luck with being "funny, sexy and cool".
Q3: Every time I start getting close with a guy I freak out and find the smallest things I don’t like about them in order to get rid of them. How do I learn to not pick at the small things? from Bree
Cosmo: It might be that you’re simply afraid of commitment. Or it might be that you just haven’t found the right guy yet! If small things are annoying you from the outset, they’re only going to get worse as the relationship progresses. So it’s important for you to find someone you think you can stick around for the long haul. On the other hand, perhaps you should learn to stop being so picky!
SD: Seriously, Cosmo? Some chick asks you how to be less picky and your advice is "stop being so picky"? You dumb fucks, the solution is pretty simple - keep doing exactly what you're doing, Bree. That way you will eventually remove yourself from the gene pool and mankind will be saved from your arrogant, bullshit OCD approach to selecting a mate.
3x Sample Advice from Guyspeak
The second selection of advice fodder comes from Guyspeak, a site that is actually slightly above average most of the time when it comes to dishing out considered opinions. Most of the time. I'm not reprinting their entire answers to these questions because most of the panel tend to drone on while trying to be funny (even though only one of them, the legendary Michael Swaim, is an actual comedian).
Q1: Do men speak the TRUTH when they are drunk or stoned or both ie they really have feelings for you? What to do?
Guyspeak: The answer basically boils down to "maybe/maybe not" with a whole lot of fuck-knows-what references in between.
SD: No-one speaks the TRUTH when they're off their face. The closest you'll get, darling, is the DRUNKEN/STONED TRUTH. It's really quite basic - intoxicants alter your mental state, hence any so-called honest statements are only so in regards to that mental state. The guy who professes his love to you while hammered is only speaking from the heart of his drunken version, not his real, sober, far less embarrassing persona. It's beer-goggles truth, not the real deal.
Q2: My boyfriend is a physics major, I'm a fashion major. One of his good friends (a girl who is "in love" with him) is a physics major too. I can't help but worry that over the years he'll become attracted to her since they have that similar interest.
Guyspeak: "Highly doubtful. If my eighth grade science teacher taught me anything, it's that opposites attract. The fact that your major is the polar opposite of his is part of why he was drawn to you in the first place..."
SD: Aargh, I hate this fucking shit! The romantic ideal that opposites attract like magnetically polarised metals is the stupidest and most irrelevant analogy ever. For a start, how is a physics major and fashion major polar opposites? There's no logical basis for this assumption at all. Wouldn't, say, a physics major and a psychic sorcerer be more of a contrast? Anyway, if I've learned anything from the ash heaps of failed relationships I've left in my wake, it's that commonality is your greatest asset if you want things to work - common life goals, values, moral attitudes and so on. What you study at uni is pretty much irrelevant, the fact that you're both committed to tertiary education in order to launch a preferred career is commonality enough.
Q3: What does it mean if my boyfriend has the same birthday as my dad?
Guyspeak: "It means you should stop dating your dad cuz you are giving me the creeps."
SD: Hahaha! It's funny because it's incest! Actually, I'm not sure if it is that funny. What the Guyspeak panelist has done here is called 'reaching', an attempt at humour through deliberate misinterpretation or begging the reader to make an additional mental step in order to make the joke work. Now, if the question had been phrased 'the same date of birth as my dad' or even better, 'was born on the same day as my long lost father', the respondent's punchline would hold some merit. But as the question currently stands, it's clear that this girl's boyfriend is a separate entity from her father, and that the two simply share the same calendar day and month when it comes to their birthdays. As for the importance of this 1 in 365 coincidence, there obviously is none.
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