Idiot-proof consumer protection

Occasionally in my fictitious private detective office I come across some exceptionally bad advertising for exceptionally mediocre products or services.  The mere fact that these ads exist tell me there's a market for things that either aren't special or are especially egregious.  So, either advertising companies don't give a shit about their clients and will peddle their crap, or the clients don't give a shit about ad-coms and will blatantly ask them to conspire in absolute bollocks.

Found this one at 1000words.com.  There are two possible and worrisome implications in this ad. 
1. If you fuck up getting the perfect engagement ring your fiancee will justifiably murder you in your sleep, and is legally sanctioned to do so by a jewellry company. 
2. Once you propose to a woman you automatically and legally forfeit any rights to make future decisions.
Nice message, assholes.

Jesus, it's like the client slept with the ad company's wife or something.  "See, client, instead of the letter 'u' we've drawn a cum dribbling penis mouse with a cable coming out of the wrong end.  Hey, wouldn't it be ironic if the 'u' actually meant 'you'?  As in your cock spoonting love gravy all over my wife's whorish face?  Hahaha, but it's totally not that."

The Extenze ad campaigns have been going on for years in the US.  For you local readers, Extenze is a herbal supplement product that probably won't kill you, but also will never do what it less-than-subtly hints it can: make your penis bigger.  Because that's not how penis size works, okay?  Some organs can become enlarged due to chemicals - think alcohol and livers - but the only way this crap is going to change the size of your cock is by crushing it up, injecting it into your member, and hoping for an allergic reaction.

Watch medical science take a huge step backwards as HeadOn tries to convince you how stupid you are.  "My head hurts, so rubbing a combination of wax and menthol will cure the pain." There's a reason why actual, skin absorbed nerve agents aren't sold over the counter or online.  Something about terrorists, I think.  Instead you get 'chapstick for your head.'

How fucking baffling yet awesome is this ad from Tennessee, US?  As anyone who harbours an ounce of skepticism knows, any product name that ends in 'something-thousand' is either a new model of Terminator or a fake-science quack machine.  In this case it's a horrifyingly named 'spinal decompression' device designed for chiropractors to print money treat back pain 86% better than other uncited stuff.

Obviously the ad company contracted by the Tenessee Spine & Nerve Institute ('institute' being the default name for any bogus science facility) had even less idea than you or me as to what exactly the 'Doctor-Ex 9000' looked like so they went with the next best thing.

Squirrels.  With.  Light-sabres.

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!
*breath*
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!
*breath*
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Bear attack?  No problem, we got a kit for that.  Includes space blankets, a whistle, things for starting fires and hopefully things to stop bleeding.  Oh, and see that little pistol in the middle?  That's actually a Smith & Wesson .500 magnum revolver, which fires 12.7mm wide bullets.  It will easily kill a bear, or yourself if you can't take the mauling-related pain inherent in pissing off a giant carnivore in its natural habitat.

The best bit is the 'Bear Attacks of the Century' survival guide, which I guess starts off with helpful tips like '#1: Don't get attacked by a bear!' or '#4: Do a 3 mile sweep of the campsite and kill all bears!', then devotes the rest of the pamphlet to a selection of graphically sickening coroner reports.

I haven't been up against a grizzly bear before - as is apparent by the fact I'm typing this with intact fingers - but I'm pretty sure they don't fuck around when it comes to attacking people.  This is bad news if you keep your Bear Kit beside the First Aid box in the boot of your car.  Also, given that said box contains a fully loaded version of the most powerful handgun in the world, you would kinda hope it has some sort of child-resistant lock on it.

Full disclosure: I'm a smoker and a handgun owner, so making a health ad using cigarettes to form a pistol and then citing arbitrary figures about crime is a great way to piss me off twice, you ignorant fucks.  Everyone knows I learnt my lesson last August and hardly ever get cigarettes and compact firearms confused nowadays.

Okay, let's end on something especially tasteless and useless.  Bad enough that you think a half-naked, 3rd trimester model is the way to go for this campaign, creepy ad-people, but why the fuck do you think there's a market for non-alcoholic beer?  What's next?  Semenesque chupa chups?  Vaginal mucus membrane cordial?  Tequila that makes me feel less confident around chicks?

Ersatz beer is a terrible idea.  You'd have better luck selling trashy, golden bikini tops to pregnant wome- oh.