Sex Detective vs Developmental morality

I have a bit of a rep for taking cheap shots, over-simplifying issues, expressing obvious biases and being a cunt, but I have my bad points too.  Like most breathing humans, I'm largely the result of a lifetime of successes and failures, both of which have imparted knowledge vital to my development as a person.  A lot of that stuff occurs in childhood, things like don't put a fork in a power point, don't put bees in your mouth, and don't tease carnivores that are bigger than you.  The only argument I have against evolution is that I somehow survived these things before the age of three.  My parents are beautiful and wickedly cool people, but they weren't big on supervision, opting to let nature teach their son how the world really works.

So I come from that old school where life lessons started early and painfully.  Nowadays parents don't have to take such a natural slection approach to the development of their offspring.  Child psychology is big business, and it is everywhere.  Oh, and full disclosure: I've never had kids and know fuck all about them: what they watch on TV, what they wear, how good they are at field-stripping a gun, or even which brand of beer they prefer.  But I do know all about bullshit (plus some Developmental Psych at Uni), which is why I loved watching these brief clips from Dr Randall Hyde, PhD.


Despite being a natural master of the awkward pause, Randy here has a lot to say in a small amount of time.  Whether your kid decides to be an explorer or a shotgun weilding hermit (both of which sound pretty cool to me), he's adamant that confidence comes from within, and he's absolutely right.  Do you have any idea how much confidence it takes to call up a restaurant and convince them to give your 4 year old daughter food poisoning?  A fucking lot, I reckon.  Thankfully the kid noticed the uncooked meat, and hence passed that particular survival test.  That was the lesson, wasn't it?


For fuck's sake, Randy, look at the bloody camera while you're talking!

Anyway, morality, very important for children.  Apparently.  Values, honesty, principles and loyalty, that's the ticket.  Teaching kids right from wrong is essential, and you can supposedly do it by giving them more and more committments.  I had heaps of committments as a young child, but the biggest one of all, the one which I constantly tried to prioritise, was not geting caught.  I once got whipped with a riding crop (even though we didn't have any horses - what the fuck, parents?) for very nearly killing my brother with a rock.  That day I learned a valuable lesson - I would never be a successful serial killer, so I might as well focus on other forms of skullduggery.  All kids know about honesty, but most of us weren't big fans of it because it directly interfered with being a kid.  Think back to your most memorable and exciting days in childhood - the real adventures that stick in your mind and make you laugh: were you being diligently honest at the time?  Or were you fucking around and up to no good?  Thought so.  Kids don't become honest by being told about it, they choose to be honest when it suits them, just like with lying.  And even then the little shits probably have an agenda.

Lying
I'm a big believer in lying - not as a practice per se, but as an essential human behaviour.  We learn to do it by age 3, and we simply get better at it as we grow.  And there are three very important reasons why we must know how to lie.

1. Gain
Whether it's cheating on your taxes, stealing wifi access, defaming an enemy or just hiding a surprise party, lying is a great (if morally inconvenient) way to get shit done.  It's like a super-power that allows you to bend reality to your will.  And fortunately most adult humans have a built-in justification machine that helps mitigate any guilt involved.  We even lie to ourselves when necessary just to make sense of the world.

2. Fear
Would you lie to protect someone you love?  I'm guessing yes, especially if it was a child.  Would you lie to keep someone happy?  Sure, people who have affairs do this all the time, so do people hiding terminal illness or crippling addictions.  And, of course, we all lie/embellish/omit to avoid punishment if we're confident we can get away with it.

3. Detection
This is more of a side-effect from lying, but it is incredibly useful.  See, most people aren't very good at picking lies in others because, on average, we're all pretty much equal at doing it.  Even psychologists, police, lawyers and judges can only pick lies 50% of the time (ie: no better than chance).  However, there is a minority of personality types that excel at deception detection - secret agents, professional conmen, and junkies.  These people lie for a living, all the time, it's how they survive and it is their primary motivation in life.  Such people (despite, or because of, their clearly amoral attitudes) can naturally detect deceit more than 80% of the time because their lifestyle depends on it.  Deceit, and hence deceit-spotting, becomes a hardwired skill, a specialised instinct.  And like all knowledge and survival skills, that ability never goes away.

Coolest.  Liars.  Ever.

Honesty
Honesty as a principle or value has its place, but I don't agree that it defines a person's 'good' or 'bad' character.  I don't think the important issue is that kids should be generally honest, it's all about who they are honest to.  Obviously it helps the whole family if kids are honest to their parents and invested relatives, but it can be disastrous if a kid is alone at home and tells the stranger on the other end of the phone that mum and dad are out for the next few hours.  It is okay to lie to bad people, to deter or counter a threat, because doing so serves a greater, protective good.  See, it's about purity of purpose, not purity of the act itself.

The truth shall set you free.  Unless it's a signed confession.

Then not so much.

And here's a paradox for you.  Ever lied to keep an oath, a promise?  Sure.  An oath is completely different to being honest.  An oath dictates behavioural parameters and specific actions, some of which may actually require deceit to accomplish ("Promise not to tell anyone about my rash!").  Unless it's an oath to always be honest.  Then you're screwed.

So, as unqualified as I am to argue this, I don't believe the ultimate goal is to teach kids honesty - largely because they already know that there's a difference between real and fake.  No, the real skill you need to impart to them is the importance of discretion.  The world is full of earnestly honest people, many of whom live shitty, guillible lives as a result.  One figure you may have heard about in Christian mythology is Jesus Christ.  Very honest guy, by all accounts.  You remember him, he's the guy who told the truth like all the time and got his ass nailed to a piece of wood as a result.  That was the lesson, wasn't it?

Don't worry, though, he's learned from his mistakes.