SD vs 6 questions men fear.

As I've mentioned before, brethren, women always out-think us man folk by being able to process and compile thoughts on multiple levels at once.  In the time it takes us to formulate and express a desire like "I want a sandwich" they have already mentally computed the following:

1. Physical properties (the estimated caloric intake of the sandwich)
2. Philosophical discourse (what is a sandwich really and is it metaphorical of other desires?)
3. Social implications (will this sandwich make me appear greedy or simply display my healthy appetite?)
4. Emotional importance (does this food meet the comfort I seek in a food relationship?)
5. Self-image issues (will eating the sandwich be a tidy affair or will I risk looking silly?)

And that's only part of it, I'm sure.  Today I'm going to share some of my experience with the smarter sex thanks to my colourful and checkered history with various women.  This will take the form of actual questions I have been asked during relationships.  You will recognise some of these questions and know that upon hearing them a very primal, instinctive part of your brain - the part that manages self-preservation - automatically starts screaming "It's a trap!  Run!"

In each scenario I will furnish you with examples of the incorrect answer, the compliant answer, and the Sex Detective answer which will guarantee you never get asked that same question again.

Question 1:

Do you want to come with me to see my parents on the weekend?

Incorrect answer: "No way, I'd rather have you hate me for not doing important things with you."
Compliant Answer: "Yes, of course, dear!"
Sex Detective Answer: "Hell yeah, I've gotta few things I want to say to those meddling, back-stabbing fucks.  Great idea, honey, I'll get the car!"


Question 2

Do you think that my friend/cousin/sister is good looking?

Incorrect answer: "Sure, she is very attractive."
Compliant answer: "Dunno, doesn't really do anything for me."
SD answer: "Why, do you want to fuck her?  Do you want me to fuck her?"

Question 3

Does this [whatever she's wearing, like it matters] make my ass look big?

Incorrect answer: "(pause)... no?"
Compliant answer: "No!"
SD answer: "No!  Not nearly enough!  Change immediately into something worthy of that magnificent and majestic booty!"

Question 4

If we wanted a threesome with one of my friends who would you choose?

I'm not kidding, I've been asked that twice in two different relationships.

Incorrect answer: "Hmm, maybe Denise, she's got a rocking ass, or, no, Melissa because of those perky tits..."
Compliant answer: "I do not want a threesome with anyone, honey, too many things could go wrong emotionally."
SD Answer: "Look, babe, this is a very serious question that requires due consideration.  Tell you what, give me a list of relevant friends and I'll fuck-test them then get back to you with the results.  I mean, if you want a threesome with any of them then you clearly don't mind me fucking all of them anyway, right?"

Question 5

What are you thinking?

This one shits me to tears every time.  Because women think all the time they simply assume that guys do too, but the truth is we can go minutes on end without conscious thought, like switching a computer to standby mode.  That wistful, distant look in our eyes?  Means we're literally thinking nothing, ladies, because thinking tires us out.

Incorrect answer: "Nothing."  Don't ever say this, you'll just provoke a deluge of follow up questions that will confuse and frustrate you.
Compliant answer: "I was thinking about how lucky I am to have you in my life, and how much I appreciate you and the interest you take in me."  It might be difficult to hold back the bile, and the reply sounds corny as hell, but trust me she will either fall for it or laugh it off.
SD: answer: "Really?  You really want to know what sort of crazy shit passes through my head?  Okay, just before you asked the most boring question in the world I was wondering what baby orangutan tastes like.  Then, when those words passed your lips my immediate thought was 'none of your fucking business, my thoughts are the one part of me that are sacrasanct, and if they bore any importance to you I would turn them into words for you to hear.'

Question 6

Is there something you want to tell me?

Yep, you're fucked.  Whatever it is you did wrong she either knows about it or, thanks to her inborn telepathy, suspects it.  The safety catch is off, but she's giving you the chance to pull the trigger yourself.

Incorrect answer: "No, nothing springs to mind.  Nothing at all, especially nothing to do with a bottle of tequila and your best friend last Saturday."
Compliant answer: "Yes, there is [insert your highly embellished version of events]."
SD answer:  "You have got to be fucking kidding me, right?  If I wanted to tell you something you would already know about it.  If I didn't then there is no way you would know about it.  See how this works?  You either have all the proof you need and hence this talk is nothing but a trap, or: you need to present me with a specific accusation or concern, and then I argue against it accordingly.  It's called a discussion, and it's what grown ups do instead of vaguely asking for a spontaneous confession regarding unclarified matters."

Now, sure, my answers won't get you out of trouble, but they will transform the whole dynamic of the exchange.  Women tend to think more than we do - just compare the number of female status updates to male ones on Facebook.  Chicks leak their thoughts all the time like a flood-gate.  But thinking more actually means thinking less efficiently: you statistically come up with more assertions, but you also come up with more corresponding doubts.  When you're a complicated thinker then even the simplest of problems suddenly become complicated in your mind, because complications are your speciality.  I'm frequently asked by women to interpret messages from men, messages that are obviously simple to my man brain, but because I'm trained to switch between simplicity and complexity in terms of cognition (Psychology training = complex, Investigative training = simple), I can put it in terms they understand.

And that's why I am the goddamn Sex Detective.I'm surprised this cliche still comes up but it does.  I mean, she's asking for fashion advice from the one man in her life she knows for sure isn't gay, so why would he be considered a reliable judge?Women are highly competitive on many levels, and compare themselves to other women all the time when they feel insecure.  Like all female questions this is a test, not a general survey.This is a classically mistaken enquiry because it is really statement and not a question at all.  What she is saying is: "You do want to come with me to see my parents on the weekend."  You'll find that women often phrase statements of compliance as questions to give the illusion of choice, but that's only to be courteous.