Oh no, not more bullshit relationship advice?

Yep, you're darn fucking right there is.  This is where I steal genuine relationship/sex questions published on other sites, readdress them to me, then answer them with the full disclosure that I'm an uneducated freak in a hockey mask with a bicycle light around his neck, yet my answers are guaranteed to solve these problems.  One way or another.

The great thing about relationship and dating advice is that it's all ridiculously subjective. So called experts - psychologists, counsellors, sex detectives and mainly Dr Phil - are full of shit. It's such a personal topic that too much personal bias leaks out from the adviser, usually based on their own last failure to meaningfuly connect with another shaven ape. With that in mind, let's explore why it's so hard to get this shit right.
1. Dear Detective,

I just got my ass dumped by the girl of my dreams. How do I deal?

There's only two words that can address heart-break, good sir: beer and boobies. And be smart about this, I mean getting drunk at a titty bar, preferably with single mates who are just as piss weak at holding down a girlfriend (figuratively). Sure, you might feel bad about yourself the next day for wasting cash on boobs you can't actually touch, but you already hate yourself so what do you have to lose? Also, get really jealous and obssessive about the girl that booted your sorry butt to the curb, and incessantly whine about her to your friends for the next 6 months. After the cops have enforced her restraining order, her new boyfriend has kicked your ass, and your buddies have stopped returning your mewling voice mails, you'll realise that back when you initially got dumped things weren't so bad.

2. Attention: SD,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 years and I keep waiting for him to pop the question. He keeps avoiding the subject of marriage, or saying that he wants us to be more financially stable before talking about it. How long do I wait?

Jeez, lady, I'd say about negative 7 or 8 years. The "let's wait until we're rich and successful" excuse is mucho lamo because it's contrary to the way things really work. Marriage and family-making is one of the most powerful incentives to get your shit together. Commitment to another person naturally promotes commitment to building a better life in general. Until then he's using the prospective outcome as the reason not to start the process in the first place.  If your life goal really is marriage then you have two choices: change your life goal, or; set a date and hope he rocks up with a ring.

3. Sex Det,

My boyfriend and I broke up a little while ago (6 months), but I really miss him and want to get back together. Rather than beg after him, though, I've striven to improve my life, health and happiness. Once he sees how far I've come will he regret leaving and want me back?

Fuck, no! By becoming a supposedly better person then flaunting it in his face, the most you're gonna do is assuage his guilt (if any) for dropping you like the needy little girl that you are. He'll be thinking, "Phew, she's obviously doing much better without me, I made the right decision all along, good for me." Have a good look at his life now. If he's hooked up with another girl, then you're history unless she turns out to be worse than you were. If he's happily single, and hasn't even bothered to drunk dial you for a booty call since you guys split, then you must have really fucked him up anyway.

4. Please help,

My boyfriend's penis smells really bad. I've tried hinting that he should clean it more often and even wash it for him when we shower together, but no luck. How do I get it to stop smelling?? It's a turn off.   - Gag.

Holy fuck, I don't know what's worse: the fact that published this on a public domain, or that your log-in name is... wait for it... 'Gag'.  Clearly the human penis is not normally meant to smell like an exotic and expensive French cheese - unless you're French, of course, because nothing would surprise me with you fuckers.  Secondly, your log-in name tells me that despite being coated in a patina of fermented smegma, you still put that disgusting thing in your mouth!  The irony is that while you're complaining to the world about your fella's zombie-dick, he's whinging to his mates about your horrible, cheesy breath.  See, how this is becoming a vicious cycle?

Look, there's a mutually convenient solution to all this.  Get yourself some heavy-duty, alcohol based mouth wash then take and hold a mouthful next time he wants some sucky-sucky.  Within a few minutes, after he's shoved his inflamed member into a bucket of cold water, and is talking to you again, he will get the message, while you will still have minty fresh breath.  Win-win.

Now in bleach flavour!

5. Please, Mr Sex Detective,

I recently broke up with my ex-bf for cheating on me but he continues to text/call me even though he is with a new girl. When i post a status on FB about guys I like, he texts me and cusses me out. Why is he doing this?

This boy is still hounding you despite having his ass dumped and grabbing another missus because, well, he's a bit of a dick.  Sure, he's got a new girl, but she's what we technically call a 'place-holder', you know, someone to kill time and sex with while chasing what he really wants - your booty again.  Boys that are like this (and make no mistake, this is spoilt boy behaviour, regardless of age) want to have their pie and eat it too.  See, there's this delusion that a boy goes through where he believes he was the best thing to ever happen to you sexually and hence he can't handle the fact that you're moving on to other guys.  Luckily most of us grow out of this ridiculous mind-set by the age of 25.

Those FB updates cut him deep, only he knows he can't comment there because he's officially with a new girlfriend.  Therefore he sends you moany little bitch texts instead.  You rightfully dumped his ass for cheating and his precious little boy ego can't handle it.  To him you're like a favourite pet that suddenly learned how to drive a car and make its own food, cutting him out of the equation of dependence.

Now, a more responsible and morally forthright consultant would advise you delete him off FB, change your number etc.  But I'm the goddamn Sex Detective and a real cunt.  If he gets nastier about this situation (and he will, little boys can't fucking help themselves) then you need to remember that you have a whole archive of time-stamped texts with which to shame him.  He's the one paying you jealous electronic attention while he's in a relationship.  A court might not consider that cheating, but his current girlfriend sure as hell will.

Well, that's it for this round of bullshit advice.  Take care out there in lover-land and always remember: you can play nice, or you can win, the choice is yours.