Infidelity detection is huge business - websites, books, private investigation/honey trap services, tv shows, video guides, mail order lie detectors, you name it, there's a product or service ready and waiting to give you peace of mind in exchange for money. Only it never is peace of mind, is it? Let's face it, the word 'trust' only comes up in a relationship when it's lacking.
As your sexiest of sex detectives it's my code-bound duty to remind you that these products and related bullshit are no substitute for the responsible option: sorting shit out. People cheat on others for a hundred different reasons - child-like lack of impulse control, low self-esteem, boredom, resentment, envy, frustration, whatever. But people only stay loyal for one reason, and that's what needs to be sorted out.
If you don't, then bitterness, ignorance and an overactive imagination is going to see you end up with something like this crap.
Oh thank God, a book that tells women whether or not their guy is penetrating a third party. Take a look at the promising product description:
*Cheating as a genetic disorder is a far less common argument than this description indicates. Seriously, what sort of desperate twat would try to blame evolution for poking your sister?
If you're wondering what an 'expert author team' is, it's a couple of otherwise under-qualified women who run websites devoted to thinking how horrible men are.
And why is something called a 'cheat sheet' 256 pages long? It's full of tips and tricks, including quizzes (hopefully for the reader and not the perpetrator, that would be a little bit too easy) and something about GPS. I've done a lot of research into the common themes espoused online about catching male cheaters and they all seem to assume certain things, including that you somehow have access to CIA resources, and that your man is a 1960's super-villain. It's all validation fantasy bollocks.
Listen, people, a book like this will only guarantee one of two possible outcomes:
1. Your man finds that you have a copy of The Cheat Sheet, in which case some extremely fucking awkward conversations are going to pop up over the dinner table, or;
2. You find that he has a copy of this book, in which case he is not only cheating on you but has also done his research.
But what if you don't have time to order, wait for, then read something stupid? That's cool, fool, eHow has your back.
Wow, Joe covered just about every possible form of human behaviour in 2 minutes. Is your spouse doing ANYTHING different at all? Then he's a cheater. But you already knew that due to your intuition. What shits me about supposedly professional advice like this is that it only has to be right some of the time to be right at all. There's no qualifying mitigation. I've been accused of cheating a few times and to different degrees, depending on the neurosis of each girlfriend. These accusations were all an initial result of 'intuition', or as I call it, 'crazy-ass projections of self-torturing doubt'. Do you have any idea how hard it is to prove that you're not cheating? You could provide monitored evidence over a 12 month period of eveything you do and every vagina you didn't touch and some crazy bitch can still say "Well, maybe you controlled yourself last year, but what about the next?" When I enter into a sex-based relationship I wish to do so without having to live in a police state where sniffer dogs get shoved in my crotch every time I walk through the door.
Sure, I've flopped around on top of my fair share of ladykind, but I prefer to be a serial monogamist. Not for moral reasons, though, simply for the sake of stress management. Covert cheating just takes too much hard work for too little pay off because you're living on borrowed time the moment you enter into more than one relationship. Obviously hookers don't count, provided they're tax deductible, but trying to coordinate multiple sex-based relationships in cognito would be a fucking nightmare. Even my dick would get confused.
But that doesn't mean I'm not a cunt. Any girlfriend who tries to secretly tag and track me on some baseless suspicion instead of the doing the grown-up thing and talking to me about it is in for some real excitement. I will scatter seedy motel receipts and used condoms around the house like rose petals. I will buy a new cell phone just to fill it with explicitly sickening texts, bizarre photos and stripper phone numbers then leave it unlocked on the kitchen counter all day. As for GPS/surveillance, I can sit quietly in a pub all night after paying a friend to drive my car all over town for 6 hours. And with the right marker pens and a steady hand I can probably make my junk look like a sexually transmitted theme park. By the end of the first week you won't be wondering if I'm cheating because you'll be too amazed that my penis hasn't been abraded down to a nub. You'll be afraid to leave me at home with your cat because by the time you return it'll be crying to itself in the shower while I'm the one coughing up hairballs.
So, SD, when is it okay to go through my man's email/phone?
The moral answer is: 'never', and also 'fuck you!' Is it your phone or email account? No? Then stay the fuck out. I'm your partner, not your kid. If I want you reading my crap I'd forward that shit to you.
The practical answer, of course, is: 'whenever you can get away with it'. Morality only ever applies when you don't think you're being fucked over. The moment you suspect you're getting shafted information becomes more valuable than gold and you'll stop at nothing to get it. We simply can't help ourselves. An unlocked phone or hacking your way into an account becomes fully justified in your mind because you trade off the relatively minor breach in privacy for the potentially far larger sin of infidelity. There are two ironies at play here: firstly, infidelity is not illegal, while accessing a protected account is (potential fraud and identity theft); secondly, invading a person's privacy or cheating on someone are both immoral acts.
Still, I fully understand why suspicious partners do it. See, in personal relationships there is no universal right or wrong. There really isn't. It's too personal. Emotions override reasonable behaviour every time because that is the price of love, doubt and resentment. And, like I said to begin with, being in love - along with any resultant jealousy - is pretty much a mild, fluctuating form of psychosis. Hear that, romantic tragics?! I just called you batshit crazy to your face. Deal.
But make no fucking mistake, idealists, the moment you employ deceit to expose deceit you are at war with your partner. The same way they did when they went behind your back. Sure, it might be a Cold War instead of a hot, yelling, tantrum one, but you're still in a fight. You'll have heaps of different reasons for justifying what you have to resort to in order to uncover the truth, but 'Love' isn't one of them. Not ever.
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