will my bullshit relationship advice ever end? NEVER!

It doesn't take a genius to dish out worthless advice to retarded questions.  Which is just as well, because last time I did an IQ test I scored 'Banana out of Thirteen'.  But when you get down to it most relationship questions aren't questions at all, they're just rephrased pity-pleas or reassurance petitions.

I refuse to answer real questions from people I know - not for any moral reasons, just because they are so damn boring. 

"My wife and I had a fight about the sweater she made me, what should I do?"

Shut the fuck up before I drive over and christen it as a toss rag. 

"My new boyfriend wants a threesome but I don't know if I'm ready."

Yes, yes you are!  I know I am!

"My ex is dating my mother, how do I deal?"

No, I'm not a fan of the mundane, I'm all about the blatantly stupid: questions so obvious that the enquirer clearly shouldn't be allowed out in public without a catcher's mask and a catheter.

Questions like this...

Why doesn't my boyfriend stick up for me? He never has. Like if a guy was to try and start a fight for me, he probably would have nothing to say. He loves me, but even last weekend his friend grabbed my boobs and all he could say was "I cant control him, no one can" when we were in private.

The online expert fielding this question made the obvious response about how this girl's boyfriend isn't man enough, and how if it was him (the expert) he'd get all punchy even though he admits he's never been in a fight in his life.  (That, of course, is a lie.  This supposed expert just never fought back in his life.)  Obviously the guy under discussion is a pussy, but pussies are made, not born, so let's take a closer look at this complaint. 

Listen, lady, here's the facts: if a guy doesn't fight for you then you are, by sheer definition, not worth fighting for.  Maybe you're too much of an antagonist, going around asking strangers to pick fights with your boyfriend, to be worth the hassle.  And if he has friends who arbitrarily grope women in public he probably belongs to a rape-cult anyway and it just happened to be his turn to "bring dessert".

I'm a feminist, and passionate about gender issues. Guys have told me that I lecture/"get preachy" when I try to start discussion. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm bashing hetero men, I believe these aren't just "women's issues" so I try to start honest dialogue. How can I share my passion without alienating the guys?

The online response to this was blah, blah, blah, "be a more courteous/less combative communicator" bullshit.  Jesus, I didn't even know we still had feminists.  I haven't even heard that particular label since '96, and that was from a dude describing himself!

I'm pretty sure it was a dude anyway.

Anyway, dear Feminist, welcome to our homeworld.  The trouble with being passionate about something, is that you constantly hope to make others passionate about it too.  Especially if it's religion, ecology, social philosophy, or 'smashing the glass ceiling' equality issues.  You live to engage in robust debates, enlighten the socio-sexually ignorant, and spread the word of whatever exciting words you've learned.  If hetero men have already suggested that you tend to proselytize, despite promising not to bash them, then you need to wind it down a couple of tampons and talk about something else.  Anything else.  There are a few things I'm passionate about too, but I don't go out of my way to steer conversations towards those topics all the time, because what's important to me isn't important to other people.

Feminism scares modern men because many of them have no idea what it even means.  When faced with an enthusiastic femmo, your average guy will panic.  He'll either start apologising for owning a penis, or challenge you to an arm wrestle just to prove that he's treating you equally.

Where would a 100% heterosexual man develop a fetish for being anally penetrated and humiliated? Could this be related to his first sexual experience?

Jesus, I fucking hope not! If a guy's first ever experience with sex is being anally reamed with a silicone-dipped jackhammer while sobbing in a public shower-room, then he is less likely to be 100% hetero and more likely to be 100% serial killer. Sexual experience is typically an incremental process - kissing, groping, fingering then porking. Fetishes usually develop after getting a handle on the non-fetish stuff. It's a walk before you can run kinda deal. Heaps of guys are into the prostate massage thing, some of the pussy types like being submissives too, and some detectives guys can't really get off with their lady unless there's also 16 inches of black rubber being mashed up their coal chute. So what? It's all about sex as a cathartic release, a primal form of expression and escapism. Like most drugs, sex stuff kicks off a neuro-chemical cocktail that rewards the user. How the user gets there differs wildly from pervert person to person. So long as he's making your chasm spasm in the process, who the fuck cares?

I'm transgendered (biologically female, male-identified) and attracted to men. I have no plans to transition. Would (straight) men be comfortable with the idea of dating someone who doesn't see themselves as a "girl"? Would they even take me seriously? I have the body, but I feel like I'm deceiving guys I might date.

Who-wha-whic-huh? You're a chick who wants to be seen as a dude but you still have all your chick bits and you want to fuck straight dudes. Hell, I want to fuck you just out of sheer curiosity. Yes, I fully grasp the difference between transgendered and transexual - one is purely identity based, the other involves biological alteration. Still, I don't see any problem if you have the right holes and he has the right pegs. Just don't grow a moustache, okay? That's a deal breaker with pretty much all straight guys under the age of 70.

Isn't it a bit extreme to say that women and men can never be friends? What about best friends? Aren't there cases where (or people for whom) it can be completely platonic?

No. Yes. Dunno, maybe? Look, princess, it doesn't really matter if your friend wants to fuck you, just accept that fact that, just maybe, every night after you two laugh over coffee or go bowling together he's wanking off to thoughts of you. Guys don't discriminate about who they find sexually attractive based on anything short of biological relationships. Friends, colleagues, enemies, strangers in the street, Japanese cartoon characters, it doesn't matter. The only guaranteed platonic relationship involves mutual castration. Just be glad he's blowing into a sticky sock instead of your face and enjoy the friendship while you can.

Remember, it's unnatural for any of us to hang out with people we find subjectively ugly - there's a baseline of aesthetic tolerance we operate on in our personal lives because it's hard to be nauseous and friendly at the same time.  Any straight guy in your social circle rated you on his fuckability-meter the first time he met you.  Sure, your ranking in his head may rise or fall over time, but the fact is that you're on his list to begin with.  The thing is, you can still be best friends despite that knowledge.  Or because of it, because you also rated him, right?

Right.












Eeew!  Come on, people, none of this is any good to me!