The '80s was a bizarre time for anyone who suffered through it. Hard-line capitalism flourished, but so did androgeny and perms for men. The Cold War was dying, and with it the last of the traditional 'evil' empires. Greed, selfishness and narcissism became aspirations instead of sins, and the ensuing social competition led to what would become diagnosed as status anxiety ten years later.
There is no question that the best action films of all time originated in the '80s, as iconicism gave way to sardonic and timely catch-phrases. There's also little argument from me that the decade also spawned some of the most poorly conceived training or advice products ever to exploit the magic of portable media devices. What follows is a sample of what some may bravely term 'cavalier marketing', or as you know it, the opposite of awesome.
Dating Tips and ... stuff?
The great (and fully credited) guys at Found Footage Festival uploaded this highly confusing and protracted montage from a video product called Attracting Today's Woman.
I was half asleep when I first viewed this clip, so I wasn't surprised when it didn't make sense. "Some flabby Country singer is coaching a spastic burn victim to enter the Special Olympics," I shrugged, "Good for them." Then after a stiff coffee I played it again with the sound on and realised this was the Rocky-esque vignette of this 'nerd!' (the word meant something a bit different back then)...
'Gay' apparently.
'Confusingly gay'.
See what I mean about the '80s? The solution to boost your popularity from bow-tied, horn-rimmed moustache dweeb to this dream guy was to get extensive plastic surgery then engage in a rigorously mentored fitness program while still bandaged and woozy from anesthetic.
Sadly we have no idea what else featured in the consumate Attracting Today's Woman tape - oh shit, yes we do because someone who believes this product deserves modern, if ironic, attention, uploaded the entire contents in 5 parts on Youtube. That's certainly reassuring beacuse every poor sap who featured in this shallow social experiment can look back online and recall the very day they all fired the same agent.
If you're reading my current story arc you'll know that only professional advice and training will provide you with the special skills necessary to communicate with a potentially fuckable homo-sapien. This is nothing new, and even 20-30 years ago an entire market for socially maladjusted and sexually frustrated morons was already being exploited. Which is why you end up with this:
Gail Prince (I know, I know, she's got that horrible Judge Judy voice thing happening) and her school teacher approach to patronising an audience of gormless desperados was actually cutting edge stuff back then. She asks all the right questions to a couple of strange people sitting awkwardly on a set couch.
Is it eye contact?
Is it touching?
Is it smiling?
Maybe it's a simultaneous combination of all three, but I really fucking hope not, because if anyone spontaneously lunged for me while grinning and staring into my eyes there's going to be a brief, kinetic interaction followed by a lengthy court case.
Gail then talks to the audience about the importance of props. How disappointed was I when I found out she wasn't talking about period piece weaponry or model spaceships? Earrings and suspenders? Yawn. Who the hell notices shit like that? "Hi, strange woman whom I've never met before, tell me about all that metal hanging off your head. Please ignore my unblinking gaze, static grimace and the way I'm gripping your thigh while we talk."
But verbal instructions are never enough when trying to teach people how to finger strangers. That's where role-playing comes in. And role-playing can be sexy, unless you're doing it like this couple who seem to be trying to bore each other's clothes off.
Here we have two people apparently riding a train or sitting in a diner or, I dunno, killing time in an STD clinic. And as for props, this is where they should be featured but aren't. Instead we're left with a guy reading the most unenthralling invisible newspaper in the world (The Wall Street Journal, Casanova? Really?), while the girl points to her invisible earring and mumbles something about dancing.
Holy Entertainers
If you ever want to combine two very unfunny things try mixing clowns with religion, then watch the horror unfold.
Yep, Christian Clowns are as scary as fuck, but they're also scavengers, not true predators, preying only on those too old and infirm to evade them. And I just love the bit where Preacher Guy warns clowns against making a frontal assault en masse, but instead to creep up on unsuspecting pensioners and corner them.
When I first saw the title for this vid I hoped it was all about a clown-based religion where clowns try to convert non-clowns. No such luck, it's just churchy volunteers dressing up and behaving like idiots to spread the word of their now cringing god. Seriously, can you imagine Christ the Lord returning for his Second Coming and seeing this shit? He'd step off his cloud-bike or whatever and start apologising to old people: "I am so fucking sorry, I really am, these dicks aren't with me. I never asked anyone to dress like a gay candy wrapper to scare the elderly. I mean, shit, right? That's pretty much the opposite of what I stood for back in the day."
But it's not just clowns taking names in vain and using childish gimmicks to spread the Word.
Not all magic is evil and occult. Sometimes it's religious and lame to the point of pity. Whether it's rap, rock or soul (to paraphrase DC Talk), religion has the capacity to turn any form of entertainment into a diet cordial experience. I mean, Guy Sebastian didn't launch his career from 'Idol by continuing to sing about God, right? Hell, no, it became all about chicks in elevators and secret boners.
But this dude and his magicforjesus Youtube channel is just downright depressing. He likes to show off the kind of magic tricks most of us accidentally mastered by the age of 5, allthewhile rambling about Jesus stuff. And his analogies are as disturbing as they are clumsy. Christians react to stress by exploding unless they have some Christ-water in them? You've taken a spiritual metaphor and made it into a magical metaphor, well done, because that shit wasn't confusing enough the first time around.
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