vs a Site of Biblical Proportions

There's no way I can take full credit for this piece.  It's the result of a skype link and a very funny conversation I had with the one man I can always rely on to sink lower than me when it comes to investigating sexual insanity.  Thanks, Shane.

This site is fucking awesome.  Not only does the colour scheme scream 'Occular Rape!", but they've even compressed the whole thing into an unnecessarily narrow central column, like they were waiting for an incredible background decal that never arrived.  Kinda like the Second Coming.

Seriously, all this is crammed into the middle 33% of your screen.

Oh, and did I refer to this as just a 'site'?  Burn in Hades, Pagan!  The top left blurb clearly describes this as a "mega-site".  That's the equivalent of my shitty little blog site times Jesus to the power of God.  And check out the list of popular areas on right side of the page: Creation Super Library!  Web Bible!  Teen Qs!  Kid Explorers!  Even something called The Hope!

(THE SEX DETECTIVE x JESUS)^GOD = MEGA-SITE

It's simple maths.

But I'm a goddamned Sex Detective, not some freak interested in exploring kids or libraries with special powers.  No, ma'am, I'm all about the naaasty, the rude stuff, rumpy pumpy, the good ol' hole in one.  I also scrutinise the weirdest part of sexual relations - the humans who do it.  So, I started on this site by diving into the universal starting point of all sexual stupidity: adolescence.

When it comes to sex, there's nothing dumber than a teenager.  Teenagers obssess about sex hourly, yet gladly do fuck all to learn about it except in a kind of osmotic, trial by error way.  Teenagers believe that preganacy can be cured with a 2 litre Coca-Cola douche.  Teenagers think that anal sex technically protects their sexual purity.  They're sorta like real people, only with incomplete brains and fingers that smell like thrush.  Christian teens are the worst because their definition of fun is also my definition of living death.  Which is hardly surprisng given that they worship a magic space zombie.

Anyway, let's get a taste of how a mega-site answers today's most pressing teen questions.

Questions like: What About Gays Needs to Change?

Christianity vs Homosexuality as a Self-esteem Issue
Um, okay, this one is obviously from a highly presumptive teen.  Luckily there's a Pastor and 'former homosexual' who has the answer.  An answer that includes analogies about muscular, sweaty men and meeting young, very handsome males with sexuality issues at Church.  His answer is to describe gayness as a self-image disorder, and to not try to convert to straightness, but instead to simply abstain from gay activity.  He even does us the favour of directly comparing queerness with eating disorders.  No shit.

Meet Tim Wilkins, Minister of the suspiciously named 'Cross Ministry'. He 

used to have a homosexual self-image problem until he stopped fucking other
dudes in public toilets and started ministering to them instead. 
In public toilets.

I can tell just by the way this freak constructs sentences that his homosexuality is a lot less former than he makes out.  He says it's not about not being homosexual, it's about not being immoral, got it?  What the fucking fuck, fucktard?  Do you know what I find immoral?  Assuming that homosexuals are all about lust and nothing about love.

When not denying how sexuality really works, Tim likes to take his

definitely-not-gay, fluffy little dog for a walk in secluded parks

So maybe that's a bad example.  Let's try another teen question.

Christianity vs Other Christianity?

I met this guy I really like. The other day, I found out he is a Jehovah's Witness. I know it's probably wrong for me to see him, but I was wondering if there could be a possibility of me changing his religion. I am scared he will go to hell if I don't. Can you help me?

This one always confuses me, because I know that both Pentecostals and JW's are Christians.  They both interpret the Bible literally, though JW's are nontrinitarian monotheists, and fucking weird as shit, and obsessed with armageddon, and also don't believe in celebrating birthdays, holidays or pretty much anything.  They do give pretty good head, though, from what I've experienced. 

We had one of these down the road from my place.  I always imagined it was

 like the Hall of Justice for the Superfriends.

Born-agains, by minor contrast, are Henotheists, believing in the Trinity, as well as glossolalia (babbling made up words), faith healing (the magical curing of made up illnesses), some truly awful rap songs, and getting beat down by school bullies for their self-righteous arrogance and pleated pants.

 Pentecostals are also renowned for their physical and self-referential humour, racial

diversity, disturbingly literal puns, possible repressed fetishes, and really retarded

cartoonists.

Awright, Christian Answers, let's hear some of your 'holier-than-Jehovah Witness' advice being offered to this girl!

"First, get with one or two of your close Christian friends and begin praying for this guy. Only God can change his heart. Ask Him to do that."

So, you're essentially asking some kids to pray for another kid to the same God that other kid already prays to.  And how come God exclusively gets to change people's hearts all of a sudden?  What happen to free will, choosing a path and all that crap? 

Personally I'd recommend that you bribe this guy with a boob flash to get him to your special church.  Worked all the time on me when I was 16*. 
*Then I found out that Christians are all about the 'no sex thing before marriage', which wasn't much different to my definition of Hell anyway so I figured I had little to lose turning agnostic.

"Secondly, talk to your youth pastor or some other Christian adult, preferably a male, and ask him to begin witnessing to this guy. Ask him to talk to this guy about his relationship with the Lord."

Yeah, send in some cheerily creepy grown up to preach to the kid.  Let's witness to someone who, by their very title, is already a fucking Witness.  This shit is going to up like the lamest Pokemon battle you've ever seen, with quotes, counter-quotes and a heated exchange of pamphlets until someone bursts into tears.

Groan, the Teen Q's section is ridiculously generic and, well, soft, even for middle-class evangelists.  There's not one question about penis pimples or vaginal discharges, or any of the other real issues that haunt young people.

So, let's see how the grown up issues of today's Christians are tackled.

Christianity vs Porn
Here's a common enough query, and one that will always be topical for as long as we have the internet:

How Can I Tell if I'm Getting Addicted to Pornography?
Wow, you should really read the in-depth answer to this one.  I mean, shit, I had no idea pornography was a gateway drug to "rape, incest and child molestation".  No kidding, the eventual and inevitable road of pervy behaviour is those three things.  Do have any idea how many people watch porn?  Neither do I, but I'm pretty fucking sure it's more than just me.  If this site is correct, then right now - as you sit there moving your lips and reading my words - millions of folks around the world are literally raping their own children.  Thanks for destroying civilisation, Porn!

But the question wasn't actually "How do I know if I'm addicted to raping my little sister?" so I'll wind this back a bit and share the four key questions from the official porn addiction test.

ONE - Is Your Behavior Secret?
Well, I'd probably prefer the term 'private', not 'secret'.  I mean, I don't call my friends or a priest or government once I finish milking my man muscle watching it.  And porn watching isn't typically a team sport.  Okay, so let's say 'yes' to that one.

TWO - Is Your Behavior Abusive?
Um, I don't think so.  I'm usually pretty okay physically and emotionally afterwards, though I do tend to feel a bit drowsy.  Also, I take responsible steps to avoid any chafing, so 'no' I am not abusive with my porn habits.

THREE - Is Your Behavior Used to Deaden Painful Feelings?
Absolutely!  Short of any appropriate company, porn is a great way to deaden that painful feeling in my balls.  'Yes' to that one then.

FOUR - Is Your Behavior Empty of Genuine Commitment and Caring?
Am I genuinely committed and caring towards my porn?  No way, that would just be creepy (as opposed to my last three answers).  So my final answer is 'yes' to question 4, Christian Answers.

That gives me a score of 75%, which isn't too shabby.  Now let's see what than means according to the Christianity experts.

"If you answered yes to even one of the four questions, your sexual behavior is either compulsive or addictive."


Bugger, either I'm doomed to be an incestuous pedophile, or I can be saved by becoming a Born Again Christian.  One path condemns me as a violent, evil deviant worthy only of a painful death.  But the other means being a Born Again Christian.  Gimme a few days to think about it.

Or I could just keep watching porn and not do the rape/incest/molestation things, just like I haven't for the last 20 years.


Christianity: Dating the Right Way
Okay, one more Q&A from these Bible-boning, God-gobbling, Jesus-jizzing, horny-with-the-Holy Spirit sages.

What are the Biblical guidelines for dating relationships?

Well, shit, that sounds pretty tame territory.  Did the Abrahamic God-followers even have a concept called 'dating' 6 000 years ago?  I thought it was all about fighting the Sumerians, Hittites, Phillistines or whoever, taking their women, then enforcing marriages which resulted in 13 year old pregnancies that spat out little Semites to grow up to fight Sumer... you get the point.  It was brutal as all fuck, a breeding war between races.  No dating, just mating and hating.

But that shows you how much I know, because Dawson McAllister has responded with a step by step answer to this possibly self-manufactured question.  Who's Dawson McAllister, you may reverently ask?  Fucked if I know, but the internet pegs him as some sort of preachy radio celebrity and blogger in Ass-Fuck, Tennessee.  Here's a friendly pic of the guy:

Complete with dentured smile, dyed and refoliated hair,

intelligent glasses and a smashing taste in jumpers.  Looks

 quite innocuous, doesn't he?

Yep, anyone that normal looking scares the hell out of me too.  Jeez, a skim of his answer also looks normal, all well phrased and formatted, enriched with definitive quotes from scripture.

Here's a taste of that normalcy:

We should date for fun, friendship, personality development and selection of a mate, not to be popular or for security.

And some follow up statistics...

Realize that over 50% of girls and over 40% of guys never date in high school.

Wow, I know he's trying to reassure people, but now I just feel depressed for young people.  Maybe his 4-point guide to Christian dating will lift my mood?

1. Guard your heart. ... boring, what does that even mean, and who cares?

2. You are known by the company you keep. ... so pick a cool name for your Jesus gang.

3. Christians should only date other Christians. ... like they have a fucking choice.

4. Is it really love? ... hang on, this last one sounds like it might... yes, it does, it defines exactly was 'love' is!  After thousands of years of philosophical debate, finally there's an answer.  And in bullet form too...

Godammit, Dawson!  Last time I had a relationship like that I was 4 years old and my significant other was a beret-wearing teddy bear called - for reasons that transcend age and reason - 'Water Bear'.  St Paul wrote a lot of soppy crap like this to the Corinthians, who I assume were a society of pussies he was trying to seduce.  Pity that list can in no way completely apply to any real human.  Not easily angered?  That's an inevitable consequence of familiarity.  Never boast about each other?  Sounds almost insulting.  Keep no record of wrongs?  St Paul clearly dated exactly zero women.

Dawson could have boiled this down to a simple "are you both soft-cock nobodies?  Yes?  Great, you can date because the rest of the world, let alone God, literally won't care."

For people who do care, though, there's some more advice.  Kinda.  Maybe more like a series of warnings -or tips - depending on how you look at it.  This section is labelled How Far Is Too Far? , even though it's not about rape or deep throating at all.  If anything, it's about the opposite of rape, like advice on how not to get lucky on a date.  Avoid alcohol and drugs!  Avoid anyone with any sort of reputation!  Don't go to places where you might feel attracted to your date!

Then comes the anti-sex stuff: 'Corinthians 6:18 says to "flee from sexual immorality." We cannot do this if we are tempting ourselves through carelessness.'  I have no idea how to tempt myself through carelessness, clumsiness or absent-mindedness, I'm more of a 'tempt via action' kinda guy.  He also warns: 'Don't engage in any impure contact that is sexually motivated, such as petting.'

Like I said, these fuckers have no idea what 'dating' means.  They think it can be done while methodically avoiding all the things that define it.  How would you even know you were on a date if you heeded these warnings?  According to these anti-rules I've already accidentally dated three family members, the parcel delivery guy, and my dentist.  And that was just Tuesday.

Okay, so what do you do if you go on a date and some sort of impure contact/words/thoughts do occur?  That's where Dawson's third section comes in: If You Have Already Gone Too Far, Why Stop?

That's either rhetoric or he's grooming a serial killer - oh, I see, it's actually advice on how to retroactively abrade what little joy you inadvertently experience when you failed to flee from possible sexual immorality.  Dawson cuts this answer into 3 bullets this time:

See what I mean about the whole Christian dichotomy of dire warnings then pussy-centred consequences?
First there's the universal 'get out of jail free' forgiveness card.  Then a reminder that the unproveable entity you decided to worship is always right, no matter what.  Finally there's the cautionary 'nobody wants your used vagina' assertion.

Conclusion
Holy shit, this has been a real journey.  And trust me when I say that what I've shared with you is only the tip of Christianity's premier mega-site.  Christian Answers?  You bet, and by the bucket load.

Sure, the answers are effectively limited to "No!", "Stop touching it!" or "Because God fucking well said so!", but at least there's now a universal repository of literalist biblical opinion, a place where prominent believers of mythological things can share their interpretations of the fantastic and baseless with the next generation of delusional Gnostics.  Sorry, but sites like this really do remind me why I hiss at crucifixes and masturbate in confessional boothes: any (staged) Q&A forum that presumes to apply ancient knowledge to modern problems is ass-backwards.  Don't give me any of that 'nothing new under the sun' bollocks either!  That's just for traditionalists who can't adapt to change so they clumsily retrofit it into their unyielding mindset instead.  Everything is new, the world is always changing.  Whether you believe in a god or not, decide to date or not, watch porn or not, or even try to side-step your sexuality by redefining it with bullshit,  the world will keep moving ahead.  And so will I.