vs Retro Sexy Clothing

You little Gen Y punks have no idea how good you got it, with your apps and recycled R&B music, and your boring clothing.  Back in the day your wardrobe meant everything, it directly reflected your social status and objectified your sex appeal.  And that was just the men.

Today I'd like to thank Sashini, who emailed me the following examples of just how powerful and anarchic fashion was back in the '70s and '80s, where fashion started with earthy tones and flares and ended with neon-intensity schizophrenia.

The '70s: Decade of Manhood

Holy fuck, this is what sex would look like if you sprayed it with polyester!  Just read the description, pussies, and lament the passing of true manhood. 

"You're headed in the ultimate fashion climax." 

"it shows all you've got," 

"you're a walking turn-on." 

Back in the '70s the word 'innuendo' had been invented yet so all you got was "This jumpsuit is basically a condom!"  And that was a fucking guarantee, provided you were man enough to fill the Big Zip suit.

When your clothing company/fashion house is literally called 'Jumpsuits Ltd' you know you're delivering the goods.  Powder blue onesy?  No fucking problem.  Additional hood?  Way ahead of you, real man.  If this thing wasn't a piece of clothing it'd be classified as a date rape drug.  It's built to make you bulge, and doubles as summerwear for Jedi knights.  Just take a look at beardy, blow-wave boy up there and tell me he doesn't mean business?  Even the hot woman beside him knows she doesn't stand a chance, because sleeping with girls is for poofs!

Apart from the decriminalisation of homosexual polygamy, Bob, Paul and Steve only want one thing: Mach II shaped shirts.  Your amorphous shirts can go to hell!  These bad boys demand patterns and colours that really swing.  It says here that "Dress models have long or short sleeves, 4.5 inch Scorpio collars, 2 button chiseled cuffs, and a 2 inch wider front placket."  Even Druids have no idea what that means, but I'm buying three before my testicles disown me.

I'm not immune to the irony that a generation of men who preferred one-piece outer garments also insisted on two-piece underwear.  And who can blame them when open mesh briefs and vests were on offer.

Back then it was a sad fact that most men looked better with their clothes on - any clothes.  Which is why instead of male porn magazines they published catalogues like this.  The thing about belted sweaters is that they endure, maybe not as clothing but certainly as a meme.  Hell, they even have their own Facebook page, suckahs.


The '80s: Decade of Douchehood
See, the '70s were my father's generation, when men were proud regardless of apparel, side-burns and long hair bespoke virility, and natural fibres were considered effeminate and possibly communist.  A decade later a horde of adolescent, sexually confused upstarts came along and rewrote the fashion books by first becoming illiterate and also colourblind.

So, '80s teenager, would you prefer a white, preppy look jacket or red bomber style?  We also have pants in pocket pizzazz and pierced leg.  All collars are guaranteed poppable so you don't look like a nerd, or someone who isn't a douche.

Aargh!  My eyes!  They've seen too much!

Towards the late '80s the word 'colour' took out a restraining order against the word 'natural' and then began experimenting with drugs.  Also, 'surfing' stopped being a sport and started a new, violently loud career as a fashion genre.

"Remember, Designer Denim Jackets are not only for women and children," they're also for teenage guys who want to be women and children.  Any young teenager wearing this was blatantly telling all the other child molestors on the block "Sorry, I'm taken."  And if you tried rocking up to Casual Day wearing a jacket that was also your sister's pre-school craft project you were begging to be held down by the special kid while the chess club shaved that facial fuzz off with a spoon.

And here we have the epitomy of the era - three relatively normal kids hanging out with their muscular hermaphrodite.  Seriously, nobody gave a shit back then.

And just to drive that nail home, let's see what passed for modelling headshots in that period:

Archivists are still arguing over what kind of product was being sold in this ad, or if it's just an instructional video for home embalming kits.

So rest easy, Gen Y, knowing that these horrors need never be repeated.