Okay, time for some more horrible examples of how easy it was (and still is) to molest the entire concept of audio-visual entertainment and education until it's left scrubbing and crying compulsively in the shower every morning.
End of the Harvest
Category: Christian Rhetoric
Genre: Pointless Discussions Wasting My Time
I first saw this trailer with the sound off so I just assumed its scary, orange font at the end meant it to be a soft-core teen horror. Watching it again I realised it was shit-purgingly more terrifying than that. Instead badly fashioned classroom conflict ending with a scythe-wielding psycho, it's about teachers debating the end of the world with kids. How fucked up is that shit? In the immensely baffling extended version of this trailer, which runs for a full 10 minutes, the protagonist argues that expert scholar experts of the bible expertly reckon one of God's 'days' is equal to a thousand years. This means that 4 000 years elapsed between the creation of Adam and JC, then another 2 000 to modern day, leaving a final 1 000 years for the reign of Jesus over Earth. Why? Because God likes to do things in sevens, apparently. Already you can see the gaping hole here, right? Using this logic means that the 6 days of Creation took an additional 6 000 years, meaning that God likes to do things in sevens and thirteens, I guess.
IndoctriNation
Category: Documentary, unilateral
Genre: Schools being Evil, all of them
When Christians aren't holding one-sided fictional debates in schools, they're damning the government for not letting them teach the bible there. Here we have one man whose name I can't be fucked fact-checking out on a quest to document as many people as possible who agree with him. The facts shriek for themselves:
90% of kids go to public schools!
Public schools are cesspits of socialist paganism!
They're stealing your kids right now! Except for their bodies! So it's not really stealing!
All this trailer does for me is reinforce the need for secular regulation in education, otherwise kids not only grow up with enforced sectarian beliefs, but also a gross misunderstanding of what the word 'documentary' means.
The Encounter
Cateogory: Scary Supernatural Thriller
Genre: Lame Supernatural Thriller
Spooky....
5 STRANGERS - 2 of whom are clearly married and hence not in any way strangers....
AN ACT OF GOD - or possibly a bit of stormy flooding....
A CHANCE ENCOUNTER - with Jesus, who even wears a name tag that says 'Jesus' and whom is now running a diner.
Yep, it's a movie about Jesus saving souls by running a diner. Meanwhile Satan is a state-trooper, so there's a great anti-law enforcement message too.
Everything is terrible is a fantastic site that stores archives of miscellaneous video rubbish from across the decades. If you ever want to kill a few minutes watching stuff that'll make you cringe, visit their site to see gems like these:
Flirting with Magic
Category: Sorcerous Date Rape
Genre: Romantic Infomercial (for warlocks)
Shit, we're not even 30 seconds into this one before some wizard with magic eyebrows is stripping a gharish she-thing in a public bar. His next trick will have to be making both its penises disappear.
Meanwhile, across the bar somewhere, another magician with magic glasses is being asked by a sailor-waitress is he's a wierdo. The response he gives at 0:44 has to be the best example of nonchalant denial I've ever witnessed. "Oh no, I'm not a wierdo. I'm just seducing you at work with shiny things and card tricks while that table of bikers over there are waiting on their drinks order. Maybe we can meet back here at eleven, after my beating in the car park?"
What follows is a montage of guys proving their not gay by making women inexplicably aroused by tricks we never get to see. What sticks in my mind, though, is the end where a 5 year old boy is clutching a fan of cards while surrounded by bikini girls. That's probably a bit strange in itself, but at 1:45 I notice the Israel Army cap he's wearing. That's really the only esoteric mystery I could find.
Do Not Hug This Man
Category: Self-Defence
Genre: Homoerotic Suicide
I've been in a few brawls, and witnessed several more, and I'll tell you right now, as someone who comes from a family of fighters, there are only three situations in which an attacker's first tactical move is a bear hug:
1. He is a friend who is gently trying to restrain you from getting your ass kicked by someone else less drunk and more capable than you, in which case just go with it.
2. He is forty kilos heavier and at least 6 inches taller than you, in which case you're now 50 centimetres off the ground and unable to breathe.
3. He is an actual bear.
The only thing you will achieve in the unlikely event he lets you anywhere near his balls is turning a clumsy fight into a sexual challenge.
The secong half of this demo is even more insane. Here the bearded master of counter-cuddling is being bear hugged from the front. Unless this was a stroke victim's idea of a crash tackle, the only time anyone is going to hit you with a frontal bear hug that doesn't pin your arms is just after they've won a place in the Special Olympics.
And finally, this piece if community service from Found Footage Fest.
How to Raise a Street Smart Kid
Category: Child Protection
Genre: Pedophile Instructional Tapes
The best and worst part of this clip is right at the end at 1:02 when the interviewer says" But now I know your password." and the dejected kid replies fatalistically, "I know." Fade to black.
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