Sex Detective vs Aliens vs God

This site was something a friend of mine stumbled upon while googling for the theme to Chariots of Fire.  She sent the link to me at suddenly this appeared on my screen

This capture doesn't do it justice.  See those thousands of tiny dots in the blackground?  Meant to be a starscape.  Only, instead of going to the trouble of just getting an open source image of an actual starscape, this genius has used some sort of 8 bit pixel tileset and multiplied it everywhere.  Millions of white specks all over the place.  Now, it's not uncommon for some web pages to used white type on black, but when your background already contains a fair and randomly dispersed amount of white you start entering migraine territory.  It's not helped either when the only other two colours in your palette are bright yellow and bright red.  Oh, I get it, BRIGHT YELLOW = HIGHLIGHTS while BRIGHT RED = IMPORTANT!

You eye-raping cunt.

Yeah, but what's it all about, SD?
Well, from what I can gather about the weirdoes behind this site, some dude called Guy Malone (along with his missus, Nicole) has manged to reconcile two profoundly different mythical things into one.  Here's the distilled summation of thousands of words of crazy:

UFO Aliens are actually Fallen Angels from Heaven trying to fuck with Humanity.

That's pretty much it, but the man has gone to all sorts of trouble to back it up with Bible verses.  Seriously, you can't get past any paragraph on any page without some less-than-contextual quote from the Christian Bible.  He's a biblical literalist, using the most misnterpreted, mistranslated, bastardised collection of ancient writings in the world to explain that people who believe that UFOs are extra-terrestrial are crazy, while the Elect (true Christians) should instead accept that aliens come from Heaven.  It's like a Pentecostal church and a Star Trek convention had a one night stand, fell pregnant, then scraped out Guy Malone with a coat hanger before it started to show.

Guy Malone, air quoting the abduction trauma he suffered when alien angels
mistook his head for something else and used it to probe each other.

Here's Guy with the Mayor of Roswell, New Mexico.  Notice how he's wearing shades that make him look like a classic alien?  Or, in his case, an evil angel from heaven come to probe us all?  Or even a well dressed dildo with stupid glasses and a guest pass?  I dunno.

What I do know is that if you're trying to ply credibility by appearing with a local elected official, maybe pick one that isn't wearing antennae while addressing the nutjob tourist audience on which his town financially depends.  Otherwise it's about as credible as a sex offender receiving a commendation from a Rohypnol spokesman at a rape conference.

Malone's slant is that he's debunking the modern fringe idea that ancient accounts of 'chariots of fire' were possibly alien visitors.  Instead he asserts they were biblical visitations by angels who fell from grace.  Many fundamental theologians might agree.  But by then reversing the original theory and saying that modern accounts of UFOs are also fallen angels, you just come across as some jerk trying to double dip into the Christian Fundamentalist and UFO cult markets.  I mean, born-again, young earth creationist literalists have enough on their plate contesting scientifically probable 'heresies': evolution, geology and carbon dating for a start.  And Malone wants to throw something that is completely ethereal like aliens into the mix?

But wait, science proves this shit

Hells yeah, just follow Guy's link to his mate, Joe Jordan.  Joe is the president of CE4.  I neither know nor care what that stands for, but Joe is intent on telling us how to resist angelic alien intrusion by throwing out some fantastic factoids like these:

• An estimated 5 million people have experienced 'alien abductions' of one type or another.
• Of those, the only ones reportedly able to resist or repel the experience were Christians who used Jesus name with authority, reeating it over and over again until the experience stopped.
• The scientific evidence on show for this is... a bunch of testimonials from redneck biblebashers; out of 5 millions supposed victims he found 75 to say that the Lord saved them.
• Joe thinks science works by making up arbitrary numbers then interviewing lonely retards.

Joe Jordan, mankind's last hope?

Well, with that kind of proof on hand, the conclusion is obvious: prayer defeats demon-alien-angels every time.  In other words, when faced with an imaginary threat, respond by pleading to your imaginary friend.  Fuck, I could use similar pretend evidence to say that the best way to repel a unicorn home invasion is to yell out "Harry Potter!", or that masturbation cures vertigo.

So, space invasions are actually just spiritual warfare, folks, just ask Guy Malone's sunglasses, or Joe Jordan, who's idea of a corporate logo is Picasso's wife pashing an alien.