Sex Detective vs Santa and the Icecream Bunny

Just to be quite clear here, this is from an actual feature film called 'Santa and the Icecream Bunny'.  It had producers, writers, directors and everything, and was released in 1972.  FoundFootageFest.com spliced these parts together but they're not even the weirdest parts.  In a nutshell, Santa gets stranded at a Florida beach and so needs the help of a dozen kids and a giant rabbit to rescue Christmas.  Yes, just like that dream you had after you mixed Absinthe with mineral turps.  About halfway through the film, when all seems lost, he cheers the kids up with the story (or at least a story) of Thumbellina - the film dissolves into this retelling, by which time I fell asleep.  Check this shit out:



This film has done more to prompt child protection reform than the entire coal mining industry and the Vatican combined.  You'll notice the creative use of freeze frames here, but I tend to think that the following shots were cut short due to ensuing accidents.  There's no mention of official stunt work on the film, so let's assume the worst, shall we?

"Okay, Melissa, in this scene just make a hoop with your arms for Zeus to jump through." 
"Are you sure, Mister, he looks kinda mean?"  "Look, the cop we bribed to hire him assured us he only attacks women over an unspecified body weight, you'll be fine."

Since 1972 we've seen enough Funniest Home Videos to see what's coming here.  The camera shakes and falls as the ball hits it, followed by a cracked, ground up view of an enraged cameraman bludgeoning the blond kid with his own bat for the next 47 seconds while the catcher starts crying.

Blaxploitation was an industry norm back in the '70's, so finding a little black kids to jump from a clearly crippling height with a weighty beach umbrella only cost the studio the exact same price as three cigarettes, a beer and a KFC two-pack.

Before beach cricket, a favourite Christmas past-time was to make two of your kids fight for presents in the backyard.  The camera crew were happy to film this somewhat one-sided scuffle until it started getting a little rapey, at which point they quietly moved on.

What we don't see here is the high-pitched, screaming tragedy that befell Cindy 3 seconds later when her frisbee struck a nearby wasp nest.  The director, unsure of the difference between 'wasp attack' and 'child on fire', quickly wrapped her, along with the wasps, in a blanket until help arrived.

Look, it's Huckleberry Finn playfully tussling with disease-ridden vermin.  Racoons love fun and games on the water bec- hang on, I'm thinking of beavers.  This poor, terrified little bastard is actually fighting for his life.

This little girl just stole her brother's skateboard, but due to cosmic justice she's now about to meet a pavement full of karma face first.

Don't worry, Santa, help is on the way in the form of an old-timey pick-up truck dangerously overladen by unrestrained children and being driven by a dude in a vision impairing rabbit costume.

Aaand here's the star of the show, an old man so heat prostrated that he's conducting an invisible orchestra on the beach.  It's never really explained why he chose to land on a beach, during the day, when it's not even Christmas Eve, or why his reindeer somehow unhitched themselves and fled.

But that doesn't matter.  Really, none of it matters.