Sex Detective Christmas Special, part two

I've just watched the latest Harry Potter film, which means I'm already in a pissy mood from all the plot holes and continuity errors.  But when it comes to fantastically bad stories it's hard to go past the Holy Bible of Christian Mythology.  Literalist believers would have you think that the Egyptian pyramids were built by Jewish slaves (there weren't any Jews anywhere near Pharoah-run Egypt at that time, and not for another 900 years when a few tribes were hired as mercenaries, not slaves), that people lived inside giant fish for a few days, and that Christ our saviour was a magic super-zombie.

But historians are going to look back at some of these pictorial archives of ancient celebrations and assume that we were no more sane in the 21 st Century.

Okay, kids, is everyone locked and loaded?  We're off to grandma's for pudding then the local mall for a spree.
What I really love about this one is that although Mum, Dad, big brother and sister are all excited about their Final Christmas Pact, little Tommy knows deep in his heart that something is very wrong here.

All across the globe thousands of dyslexic Christians pay homage to the birth of the Son of Dog.  This animal is clearly terrified, having just woken to find his owners dressed in bed sheets and wrapping him in a pillow slip.

The weird thing about this pic isn't the collection of horrible gothy kids trying too hard to not enjoy themselves, it's the Santa-esque patriarch seated in the centre of this stagnant pool of angst.  It's a silent battle of wills as the jolly old man of colourful cheer stoically tries to wait out these morose, pouty teens.  No contest, Santa man, the emo generation have already unlocked the secrets to weaponising  boredom and will patiently hover like ghoulish vultures until you surrender your soul to them.

No, no, no!  Your squade of space chameleons will never pass for normal Earth-humans if you don't get their annual celebration themes right.  You can't have an effigy of their Rudolph Deer God and be wearing Easter Hopping Rat ears at the same time.

It's a true testimony of the human spirit when a man is brave enough to wear the same sweater/shorts outfit on Christmas Day that got him beaten to a pulp in the week before.  His attackers were so inflamed by his wardrobe they even crippled his mutant dog.  Also, did you know that there is only so much in the way of gharishly contrasting colour combinations your eyes can process before the optic centres scream rape?  You do now.

 Look, when I see a book with this title I expect to see a fucking snowman on the cover, okay?  Not some chinless magician clinging to a lightning rod with a weather-vane inexplicably impaled through his hat while hordes of spastic children taunt him to jump to his death and an evil sun god looks on in malevolent pleasure.  And is that Santa in the background driving a horse-drawn moon buggy?  This is exactly the sort of story you get when HP Lovecraft and H.G. Wells hook up for an opium orgy and fuck each other on top of a typewriter.

I have to admit that my Portuguese is a little rusty, so I'm going to assume the worst of possible outcomes here.  This poster is either about child burglars or the mostly naked sex offenders that honey-trap them. 














"World's Best Dad", eh?  I'd just love to see empirical data which determined that lavish claim, dude.  Or maybe you legitimately won the title by defeating lesser dads in a pit fight. 
But that's not even the point.  Having a portrait of that puppy printed onto your sweater actually implies that the dog is the "Dad" in question, which raises some pretty disturbing questions among members of the sane community.

 This is an actual stock photo combination used on a costume hire website as a Christmas promo.  But one of these things is not like the others, and while there was no shortage of Herod's soldiers skulking around around at the time of Christ's birth, none of them were Roman.  And even if there were, what sort of sick fuck would rock up to a Christmas party dressed as a sword-drawing assassin intent on infanticide?  Apart from me, obviously. 










This not a deer, or at least not one designed by anyone who's actually seen a deer, but instead had the description of one sent to him in semaphore.  Looks more like a chipmunk with antlers, idiots.

 The Santa and little angel girl are pretty much on the mark, but what's up with Joseph's beard?  It looks like it has Down's Syndrome.  Charles Manson would reject that beard on the grounds that it was too creepy and sent the wrong message.

Wow, when someone said "Santa's elf" this is not the first image that came to mind.  Appears to be more like a troll with lowered ears and a mullet trying to infiltrate Santa's workshop, all the while being egged on by a little man that lives inside his hat.